(A
throne room, Ivan is sitting on his throne with his two bodyguards Sally and
Mike standing beside him)
IVAN
It’s good to be the king!
MIKE
Well, actually, Sir Ivan, you’re
a dictator, not a king.
IVAN
It’s basically the same
damn thing, Mike. Now bring me my newspaper!
MIKE
Bring in the newspaper!
SALLY
Bring in the newspaper!
(Paul
enters the throne room carrying a newspaper and hands the newspaper to Ivan)
(Ivan
reads his newspaper and he begins to laugh)
PAUL
Is today’s Garfield funny, Sir Ivan?
IVAN
No Paul, it’s just that this fake news says
that I’m one of the most hated men in the country alongside Donald Trump and
Bill Cosby. What lies! Everyone loves me!
PAUL
Actually, Sir Ivan, the
peasants have begun to riot in the streets, they wish you were dead!
IVAN
Why do the peasants want
me dead? I’m a great leader, right?
(An
awkward silence covers the room and Ivan gets up and walks around his throne
room)
IVAN
Surely you must be joking?
You think I’m not a good leader?
MIKE
Sir Ivan, it’s just that
you could try a little harder.
IVAN
Try a little harder at
what?
MIKE
Try harder at being a good
leader, Sir Ivan. I mean I don’t really think you are a good leader, but I
would take a bullet for you because that is what I would need to do for my job.
IVAN
You would take a bullet
for me?
MIKE
Again, not because I want
to, but because you’re paying me to! Do you see what I mean?
IVAN
I still don’t follow?
SALLY
Mike says he hates you too!
IVAN
You hate me. Mike?
SALLY
We all do! The only reason
Mike, Paul and I put up with you is because you pay us to like you.
IVAN
Oh that reminds me.
(Ivan
hands gold coins to Mike, Paul and Sally and Mike dances with joy from the
payment)
(Sally
sighs and puts the gold coin in her pocket while Ivan sits back down on his
throne)
SALLY
You know that this one gold coin you paid me
could feed a family of five here in Dozana for over a year, right?
IVAN
Really? Because I just
grabbed those gold coins out of my bathtub from my weekly money swim. Doesn’t
that mean the economy is great here in Dozana if it only cost one gold coin to
feed a family of five?
SALLY
Well, maybe if the people
of Dozana weren’t taxed every second they would have a gold coin to feed their
families.
IVAN
I’ve given you the gold
coin. That means you love me now Sally!
SALLY
You giving me money
doesn’t mean that I’m going to automatically like you now. You’re my boss
you’re supposed to pay me. Plus, you owe more money.
PAUL
Sally, stop talking or
else you will anger him more and he’ll feed you to the wolves!
IVAN
I don’t have an anger
problem!
SALLY
You don’t have an anger
problem? Sir Ivan, you chopped off a man’s head because he accidentally spilled
soda on your necktie.
IVAN
No one damages the royal
necktie in Dozana when I’m in charge.
SALLY
Again, you’re not royalty!
IVAN
Mike! Arrest Sally for
speaking against the leader!
SALLY
You know what? Take your
gold coin back! I quit! I’m joining the rebellion to overthrow you!
(Sally
throws the gold coin at Ivan and exits the throne room while Mike chases after
her)
(Ivan
puts the gold coin back in his pocket and has a fit throwing around furniture
and wrecking his throne room)
PAUL
Calm down, Sir Ivan! The
Queen of Lozaroo is about to arrive at any moment to sign the treaty to end the
war!
(Ivan
slowly calms down and sighs and walks over towards Paul and places his hand on
Paul’s shoulder)
IVAN
I’m sorry, Paul. I don’t
know what came over me just now. Anyway what’s this about a war?
PAUL
Sir Ivan, we’ve been at
war with the country of Lozaroo for decades now. The Queen of Lozaroo is on her
way here right now to sign the treaty to finally end this war. Please, just
sign the treaty to end this war.
IVAN
So why have we been at war
with the country of Lozaroo anyway, Paul?
PAUL
They made fun of your dog
Sparkles. They called him a fattie.
IVAN
They called Sparkles a
fattie! That’s it! We’re nuking them!
PAUL
Wait, what?
(Ivan
pulls out a remote control and presses a button on the remote. Afterwards a
loud explosion is heard in the background)
(Ivan
sets the remote control down on his throne and hugs Paul)
IVAN
Finally Paul, they’re all
dead. No one will ever call Sparkles fat again.
(The
Queen of Lozaroo enters Ivan’s throne room and she’s pissed)
THE QUEEN OF LOZAROO
Oh god, you seriously
didn’t just nuke my country right now?
IVAN
Your people called
Sparkles fat, so I figured we’re even now.
THE QUEEN OF LOZAROO
Seriously? You killed
millions of innocent people because someone called your dog fat? Instead of
killing the one person, you had to take it out on all of my people? I would
have handed that bastard over to you if it meant an end to the war, but no, now
everyone is dead. I’m the queen of
nothing now!
PAUL
You’re majesty, please
understand that we all wanted this to end peacefully.
IVAN
I didn’t! Nuking them is
fun!
THE QUEEN OF LOZAROO
You monster! That’s it!
(The
Queen of Lozaroo picks up the remote control and Ivan and Paul begin to freak
out)
PAUL
Oh god!
IVAN
Yes!
PAUL
That’s not funny! She’s
going to nuke us all!
(Suddenly
Mike reenters the throne room and kills The Queen of Lozaroo)
(After
Mike kills the Queen of Lozaroo, Paul picks up the remote control and takes out
the batteries)
IVAN
Well I could certainly use
a money bath right now! Paul, get the bathtub ready. Also, give Mike a medal for
killing the Queen of Lozaroo.
PAUL
No!
IVAN
Excuse me, Paul! What did
you say?
PAUL
I’m done working for you.
You could have ended this war peacefully, but being the idiot you are, you just
had to blow things up instead of being a good leader.
IVAN
I don’t like your tone. Do
as I say or else!
PAUL
Or else what?
(Ivan
snaps his fingers and Mike kills Paul and Ivan is laughing insanely)
(Ivan
gives Mike another gold coin and Mike dances with joy)
IVAN
Nothing can stop me now!
(Sally
enters the throne room and pulls out a gun)
MIKE
Oh dear God! She’s got a
gun! I’ll save you, Sir Ivan!
(Sally
fires her gun and Mike jumps in front of the bullet that was meant for Ivan)
(Ivan
rushes over to Mike who is lying on the ground dying from a gunshot wound)
IVAN
Mike, you took a bullet
for me. You saved my life!
MIKE
It’s my job, Sir Ivan! You
paid me, so I would take a bullet for you!
IVAN
Good night, sweet prince!
MIKE
I’m a prince?
IVAN
No you’re not and neither
am I.
(Mike
dies in Ivan’s arms and Ivan begins to cry, while Sally begins to reload her
gun)
(After
reloading her gun Sally aims it at Ivan)
SALLY
For the people of Dozana!
(Ivan
has his hands up in the air and is shaking in fear)
IVAN
Please! Don’t shoot me!
I’ll do anything! Anything!
(Sally
lowers her gun and Ivan slowly lowers his hands)
SALLY
You’ll do anything, Sir
Ivan?
IVAN
Anything for the people of
Dozana and for you!
SALLY
Resign or die!
IVAN
Anything, but those two
options!
SALLY
Resign or die!
IVAN
I have to choose right
now?
SALLY
Tick Tock!
IVAN
I choose to resign!
SALLY
Good! Call Paul to bring
in the paperwork to make it official!
IVAN
Paul’s dead, Sally!
SALLY
Oh, yeah. Then call Joe!
IVAN
Joe!
(Joe
enters holding a piece of paper and places the piece of paper on the table)
JOE
This document, once signed,
declares that officially, Sir Ivan will resign as the leader of Dozana. Sally will be the newly appointed leader of
Dozana!
IVAN
Wait, Sally will be the
new leader of Dozana? Ha, who ever heard of a female leader!
JOE
All Sir Ivan has to do is
sign this document and Sally will be the new leader of the people!
(Ivan
walks over and signs the piece of paper and Joe blows the trumpet in triumph)
JOE
All hail Miss Sally! The
new leader of Dozana!
(Sally
sits on the throne and Ivan and Joe bow down before her)
IVAN
Now that you are in charge,
what is the first thing you’re going to do?
SALLY
Warm up the bathtub! I
wish to take a money bath!
IVAN
Yes, leader!
(Ivan
exits the throne room and Joe blows his horn)
JOE
All hail Miss Sally!
(Sally
laughs evilly as Joe blows the horn again)
(Ivan
reenters the throne room and bows down to Sally)
SALLY
It’s good to be the queen!
IVAN
Well you’re more of a
dictator than a queen, but I made the same mistake when I was in charge.
JOE
Any other commands, Miss
Sally?
SALLY
That’s all for today Joe!
Joe! Ivan! Get out of my throne room!
(Joe
and Ivan exit the throne room and Sally begins to laugh evilly again)
(Blackout.)
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