Sunday, March 4, 2018
Friday, March 2, 2018
Beethoven Misconduct Episode Script (Second City Class Project)!
NEWSROOM-DAY
REPORTER
BRAD TOPOGRAHPY, a male 30 something news anchor, and CRYSTAL
KAY, a female 20 something news anchor, are sitting in a
conference room discussing the day’s potential news. A
reporters is with them.
(Crystal walks in to join an ongoing conversation
between her co-anchor BRAD TOPOGRAPHY and a
reporter)
BRAD
This is great! He did this to Kim
Kardashian! I promise you this
will blow-up on Twitter!
CRYSTAL
Really? Sounds like we finally
got some real news here.
REPORTER
(ignoring Crystal)
Maybe we can goad Kayne into
losing his shit. We could have
sounds clips for a week!
CRYSTAL
Okaay? So what exactly happened to
Kim?
REPORTER
Not exactly to Kim K, but it’s
close enough. We can definitely
snag a lead headline out of this
one.
(turns to Brad showing him two
pictures of St. Bernards, one
looking cute, the other looks
dirty and sad)
I know which one is myyy favorite.
BRAD
(Brad nodding in approval, and
giving a bad Yoda impression)
Done well you have young Padawan.
CRYSTAL
Wait, what exactly is going on
here? Did we finally catch
Beethoven in the act...
BRAD
(cutting Crystal off)
And this time he’s involved a
celebrity everyone just happens to
love seeing in the news.
(fist pounds reporter)
REPORTER
And he’s a dog, EVERYONE has an
opinion about dogs.
Plus, if we’re the ones to expose
him, we come out looking like the
good guys.
CRYSTAL
What is Kim Kardashian doing with
Beethoven?
BRAD
It was her assistant...
REPORTER
Former assistant I think.
CRYSTAL
Do we even have the facts
straight? I think we need to let
this story gel a bit befo...(cut
off)
BRAD
...Then we can get another story out
of it when we issue the
correction.
CRYSTAL
(eye roll) And soo many people
will read the apology. Can we at
least present the story from all
of the victim’s perspectives? I
think the same thing happened to
one of our interns.
REPORTER
Yeah, except we want people to actually watch the show. And people care about celebrities not interns. Don’t worry, we’ll throw some
lipstick on this pig.
CRYSTAL
Ugh, I don’t have a choice in this
do I?
BRAD
We’ve been so focused on “if it
bleeds it leads” that we never
realized, “If it’s poop it’s a
scoop!”
REPORTER
Nice Bee-rad...I think we’ve got
some paparazzi shots of Beethoven
doing his business in his ex’s
yard, I’ll dig those up.
CRYSTAL
(Looking annoyed/disgusted while
mouthing “Bee-rad” to herself)
BRAD
And I’m sure we can find some
douches willing to defend him on
camera. Maybe we can get into a
wild on-the-air argument.
This could go viral, god the
network execs are going to love
this!
(Brad turns on the friendly
condescension)
Come on, Crystal. Don’t let your
“feelings” get in the way of this.
REPORTER
We’ll get the segment together!
(Crystal sighs in disgust)
In the Blind Eye News newsroom, BRAD & CRYSTAL sit at the news
anchor desk waiting for the evening news to start.
CRYSTAL
How did the Beethoven story end
up? Do we find out if it’s her
current or former assistant?
BRAD
(excited about what this could do
for his career)
It’s the lead! We got one of
those bullshit apologies
from his lawyer.
CRYSTAL
(mumbles under her breath)
If I didn’t have kids to put
through college...
BRAD
(oblivious to what Crystal is
saying) We’re golden.
(Tries to give Crystal a high-
five, but she ignores him)
(news theme music starts, camera zooms in on CRYSTAL who
quickly replaces her look of disgust with a more professional
one)
CRYSTAL KAY
Hello, I’m Crystal Kay and we’ve got shocking
news tonight out of Hollywood. A scandal
has been uncovered and you won’t believe
who’s involved. Brad Topography has more.
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
Thank you, Crystal, a bombshell hit the set
of Beethoven 19 today, when accusations of
foul play came out against the film’s star
CUT TO.
FILM CREW MEMBER
(interview segment)
He would just come into the other actor’s
trailers without asking and sniff around, do
that thing where he rubs his butt on the
floor. I know it happened to Kim’s assistant
more than once. He even vomited in her shoes
and then ate it.
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY (V.O.)
(photo montage of crime scene, pictures of
the set, paparazzi shots of Beethoven, lots
of photos of Kim Kardashian, etc.)
But it didn’t stop there. Beethoven would
regularly show-up late to the set, demand
treats before shooting, and leave puddles of
drool and fur everywhere.
Blind Eye News received this statement from
Beethoven’s lawyers in response to the
accusations.
BRAD TOPOGRAHY (V.O.)
(VIDEO OF TYPED LETTER WITH BRAD NARRATING &
Certain Phrases highlighted)
I came of age in the 90’s, when all the rules about
dog behavior were different. It’s not an excuse for
how I’ve acted on the set - or out of it. To anyone.
I’m trying to do better, I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. Over the last year I've asked Cesar Milan to work with me at his dog rehabilitation center. I plan to take a leave of absence to deal with this issue head on. I so respect all people and regret what happened. Snoop Dogg wrote " With so much drama in the L-B-C, It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G." The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community but I know I've got work to do to earn it.
One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million
foundation to get dogs off the streets. While this
might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for
a year. It will be named after my mom and I won't
disappoint her.
In light of the accusations, Petco has cut
CRYSTAL KAY
ties with the star ending its decades long
sponsorship deal.
And rumor has it he has been replaced as the
host of the upcoming season of Too Cute by a
3-legged Corgi.
And Kanye West...who has nothing to do with
this story...was quoted as saying “He better
not bother showing up to the Daytime Emmys or
imma punk his blank so hard it’ll make Taylor
Swift look like the second coming of Yeesus.”
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
Thank you, Crystal. So sad to see someone so
beloved fall so far.
The accusations couldn’t have come at a worse
time for Sweep It Under the Rug studio, who
is left scrambling to rewrite the film.
Coming up, authorities are on the lookout for
a man in a yellow hat who is being accused by
one chimp...of being more than just curious.
CRYSTAL KAY
Thank you...for that...Brad. Asleep on job? A
Hurricane descends on Whoville and 1,000s are
dead are or missing after Horton fails to
hear the littlest who..I can’t...(looking off
camera) 1,000s dead? Seriously?
(Crystal storms out, ripping off her microphone and
mumbling)
I left Fox News for this!?
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
(Stuttering & flustered)
And I’m Brad Topography for Blind Eye News...Good
Night.
END
Hawkman Misconduct Episode Script (Second City Class Project)!
Two guys MACK, a male hipster, and EDDY, a male nerd, are
standing in front of a green screen filming a Youtube video
together.
MACK
What’s up? I’m Mack!
EDDY
And I’m Eddy!
MACK
Welcome to News Jam! Do you know
what happened today, Eddy?
EDDY
What Mack?
MACK
Ever heard of the DC Comics
Superhero, Hawkman?
EDDY
I know he’s a superhero who’s even
lamer than Aquaman. All Hawkman
does is fly!
MACK
Oh, no, he doesn’t just fly
anymore. Like other recent
superheroes in the news, it has
come to light that dear old
Hawkman jerked off in the wrong
place.
EDDY
What? Did Hawkman jerk off in
the sky?
MACK
Well actually Hawkman has been
filming countless women using the
Burger King bathroom. Hawkman owns
said Burger King, and he jerks off
to the videos of the ladies doing
their business.
EDDY
I bet this story even get’s
crazier, right Mack?
MACK
Indeed Eddy.
(MORE)
MACK (CONT’D)
Along with jerking off to videos
of women using a Burger King
bathroom, it has come to light he
jerked off in front of countless
female members of both the Justice
League and The Avengers. Using his
rank in said teams to his
advantage, he forced the likes of
Wonder Woman and Black Widow to
watch him masterbate for hours on
end.
EDDY
Like what woman would want to
watch Hawkman jerk off?
MACK
Yes, indeed Eddy, that looks to be
like an awful sight. Just seaman
and feathers everywhere. He has
already been kicked out of both
the Justice League and The
Avengers for his actions and his
recent movie deal was scrapped.
But as we continue The Hawkman
Jerk Off Scandal, let’s welcome
our guest joining us over the
phone in this discussion.
EDDY
Yes, let’s welcome legendary comic
book artist Rob Liefeld to News
Jam. Mr. Liefeld can you hear us,
buddy?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
I created Youngblood and Cable!
MACK
Indeed you did, Mr. Rob Liefeld.
But isn’t it true you worked
alongside Hawkman at DC Comics?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
I gave Hawkman big ass muscles and
tiny feet and this is how he
repays me! Why! Hawkman why!
EDDY
Did you have a hand in creating
Hawkman, Mr. Liefeld?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
No! Gardner Fox created Hawkman
back in the 1940’s. I only create
crap.
EDDY
That is true, you are only known
for creating junk. But Mr.
Liefeld, one last question for our
viewers. Since you work directly
on the inside, do you know of any
other superheroes who haven’t been
truly heroic?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
Well, besides Hawkman, I heard a
rumor that Captain America likes
to have Asian girls pee on him.
Also, Starfire totally grabbed my
ass without my permission.
EDDY
Did you report her to HR?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
No. She said if I report her to HR
she will laser blast my nuts off.
Anyway, I got to go! I have more
shitty comics to create. Later! Oh
and Starfire if you listening...
Rob Liefeld is heard sobbing over the phone before he
hangs up.
MACK
Truly a dark time to be a
superhero fan, right, Eddy?
EDDY
Totally Mack, please remember to
subscribe to our channel and give
this video a like. Next week on
News Jam, we’ll talk more about
Pinocchio’s recent DUI arrest, and
how an annoyed Quick Draw McGraw
hit a TMZ Reporter with a guitar
during an episode of TMZ Live.
Goodbye from News Jam. Man, the
world is going to hell!
END
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