Kenny Pezike is a naive young man who just landed his dream job working for the legendary animation studio Hogan Bros., only to get laid off a few weeks later due to budget cuts. Kenny, now jobless, comes up with an idea to make two of his lifelong dreams come true. That is to meet all of his heroes and make his own movie. Kenny, along with his friend and cameraman, Paul Emith travel around the world so Kenny can meet all of his heroes. He films at least one interview with them for a documentary that his wishes to enter into a film festival. Kenny discovers that some of his heroes have fallen on hard times or weren’t quite the people he expected them to be. Kenny discovers that the people he idolized are quite flawed themselves and most of them are shocked to discover that they would be anyone’s heroes. Kenny meets many of his heroes on his travels including legendary wrestler Wally “The Animal” Winner, former Hogan Bros. animator Earl Goodjill, puppeteer Ken Jimson, plus size model Kelly McCloud, rock star Juan Jinx, his former improv teacher Danny Kail, stand-up comedian Joey Lovefon, and rapper DJ BlingIt. His first interview is with his parents who adopted him. After collecting and recording all 51 interviews with all of his heroes, Kenny and Paul start work editing their documentary so they can enter in the MoonDance Film Festival. Kenny’s documentary titled “51 Heroes” is a huge hit at the MoonDance Film Festival. Kenny starts getting offers to sell his film. After the documentary is sold to the streaming service, SickFlix, Kenny becomes an overnight celebrity and is now the boyfriend of Kelly McCloud. With the money he makes from his documentary, Kenny starts his own animation studio which is now a rival to the studio that fired him, Hogan Bros.
Friday, March 8, 2019
Trix Rabbit Parody (Second City Class Project)
Three kids are inside a grocery store walking towards the checkout line. In the checkout line is the Trix Rabbit.
KID #1
Hey, isn’t that the Trix Rabbit?
KID #2
And he’s buying Trix? Trix are for kids! Let’s stop him!
The three kids rush over and take the box of Trix from the Trix Rabbit.
TRIX RABBIT
Hey! Why did you steal my cereal? I paid good money for that?
KID #1
Silly Rabbit! Trix are kids!
TRIX RABBIT
But I paid fair and square for that box of Trix. It belongs to me!
CHECKOUT CASHIER
The rabbit’s right, kids. You did steal from him.
KID #2
But he’s a silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.
CHECKOUT CASHIER
Well, Trix can be for kids, but really anyone who can afford to buy Trix can have it. Including this rabbit.
KID #1
But Trix are for kids!
TRIX RABBIT
Just give me my Trix cereal I don’t want to call the police.
KID #2
Silly rabbit! Trix are for...
> CUT TO.
A police officer arresting the three kids as the Trix Rabbit eats his box of Trix watching them as they get arrested.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Trix are for everybody! But really only for the people who can pay for them!
END
KID #1
Hey, isn’t that the Trix Rabbit?
KID #2
And he’s buying Trix? Trix are for kids! Let’s stop him!
The three kids rush over and take the box of Trix from the Trix Rabbit.
TRIX RABBIT
Hey! Why did you steal my cereal? I paid good money for that?
KID #1
Silly Rabbit! Trix are kids!
TRIX RABBIT
But I paid fair and square for that box of Trix. It belongs to me!
CHECKOUT CASHIER
The rabbit’s right, kids. You did steal from him.
KID #2
But he’s a silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.
CHECKOUT CASHIER
Well, Trix can be for kids, but really anyone who can afford to buy Trix can have it. Including this rabbit.
KID #1
But Trix are for kids!
TRIX RABBIT
Just give me my Trix cereal I don’t want to call the police.
KID #2
Silly rabbit! Trix are for...
> CUT TO.
A police officer arresting the three kids as the Trix Rabbit eats his box of Trix watching them as they get arrested.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Trix are for everybody! But really only for the people who can pay for them!
END
Frozen Brother Parody Sketch (Second City Class Project)!
.INT-CASTLE-DAY
Elsa and Anna are standing in a castle hallway having a conversation.
ANNA
Thanks for unfreezing my frozen heart. Our sisterly love is strong.
ELSA
Yes indeed our sisterly love is strong.
GREG (O.S.)
Don’t forget about brotherly love!
Greg walks in and interrupts the conversation Elsa and Anna are having.
ELSA
Who the heck are you and how did you get passed security?
GREG
I’m Greg! Your little brother!
ANNA
We don’t have a brother?
GREG
You guys remember those trolls. Yeah they erased your memories of me. Long story short, I’ve been locked up in the attic for 20 years and I really need to use the bathroom.
ELSA
What proof do you have that you are related to us?
A servant Chris rushes into the room where Elsa, Anna and Greg are.
CHRIS
Dude! You escaped from the attic! Get your butt back up there!
ELSA
You know this man?
CHRIS
Yes Queen Elsa. He’s your brother and he’s supposed to be locked up in the attic. Your parents’ orders.
ELSA
Why was he locked in the attic?
GREG
Fire powers, duh! What? You thought you were special with your ice powers? Yeah, you ain’t the only freak in the family.
CHRIS
Queen Elsa, I must advise that you lock Greg back up in the attic because it may come out.
GREG
Please, sis! Don’t send me back to that old attic! I love you!
ELSA
Well, maybe Greg’s magic is controlled by love like me.
GREG
Hold the phone. Love controls your powers? Mom and Dad said mine were demonic and a priest would perform exorcisms on me making me drink holy water until I puked. Also, why isn’t she locked in the attic too?
ELSA
I was isolated within the castle. My powers caused our parents to close the castle off to the public.
GREG
You got to roam free around the whole castle? What the heck, Chris!
CHRIS
Actually, Queen Elsa your parents really feared Greg. So, if we could just lock him back in the attic before...
ANNA
I have a brother with fire powers and a sister with ice powers. Why don’t I have any powers?
GREG
Your powers are cuteness and love.
ANNA
Aw!
ELSA
Anna! Can we talk in private?
GREG
Hey, no more secrets, okay?
ELSA
Again, maybe we should listen to our loyal servant Chris. Our parents must have had a reason to hide Greg from us?
GREG
Again, Mom and Dad are dead. I say forget their rules. It’s Queen Elsa’s time to shine.
ANNA
Speaking of Queen Elsa. Isn’t the order of succession usually the male heir before the female heir?
GREG
Wait? I’m supposed to be king? Awesome! Bow down before King Greg!
ELSA
Again! Can he control his powers? I mean it’s already a PR nightmare with me, so, if he’s let loose....
GREG
Okay I burnt the dog when we were kids by accident. I’m a grown man. Let me do what I want!
ANNA
You burnt our dog? And we had a dog?
GREG
Yeah, the trolls got rid of that memory too. So about me being king?
CHRIS
Queen Elsa, I advise that you lock your brother back up in the attic!
GREG
Don’t lock me up in the attic! Please, I got rid of the eternal winter for you guys.
ELSA
No, I got rid of it!
GREG
Sis, please! Ice magic creates more ice. I felt cold up in the attic and shot a flame out into the sky, then boom, eternal winter gone. Fire melts ice, dummy.
ANNA
He might have a point. Maybe we should keep him around just in case things get frozen again, so he can warm them up.
ELSA
No! I know how to control my powers! Love is the key!
GREG
Then if you love your brother, you set me free!
ANNA
I agree with Greg. I mean you saw what happened when you were isolated. Think of what might happen if we keep him locked up in the attic.
GREG
Yeah Elsa, let it go!
ELSA
What did you say?
GREG
Just let it go!
ELSA
You are my brother!
Elsa hugs Greg and suddenly the castle begins to rumble and shake.
CHRIS
Oh man! It’s here!
ELSA
Who’s here?
MICKEY MOUSE (O.S.)
M-I-C! K-E-Y!
GREG
Oh man! I freed the demon again. The true ruler of the land.
ELSA
What demon?
ANNA
Elsa! I’m scared!
MICKEY MOUSE (O.S.)
M-O-U-S-E!
Mickey Mouse enters the room in a cloud of smoke. Chris flees the scene as Greg waves to Mickey as Elsa and Anna shake in fear.
MICKEY MOUSE
Greg! You’ve angered me! No boys are allowed here in the kingdom of Arendelle! Be gone, Greg.
Greg disappears in a cloud of smoke humming “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?”. Mickey Mouse laughs evilly as Anna and Elsa continue to shake in fear.
MICKEY MOUSE
Now keep singing “Let it go!”. It feeds me money! Now, I’m off to devour a fox! I grow stronger every day! Ha ha!
Mickey Mouse disappears in a cloud of smoke as Anna and Elsa slowly calm down.
ANNA
I can’t believe a demon killed our only brother and we’ll never truly know why.
ELSA
Just let it go!
END
Elsa and Anna are standing in a castle hallway having a conversation.
ANNA
Thanks for unfreezing my frozen heart. Our sisterly love is strong.
ELSA
Yes indeed our sisterly love is strong.
GREG (O.S.)
Don’t forget about brotherly love!
Greg walks in and interrupts the conversation Elsa and Anna are having.
ELSA
Who the heck are you and how did you get passed security?
GREG
I’m Greg! Your little brother!
ANNA
We don’t have a brother?
GREG
You guys remember those trolls. Yeah they erased your memories of me. Long story short, I’ve been locked up in the attic for 20 years and I really need to use the bathroom.
ELSA
What proof do you have that you are related to us?
A servant Chris rushes into the room where Elsa, Anna and Greg are.
CHRIS
Dude! You escaped from the attic! Get your butt back up there!
ELSA
You know this man?
CHRIS
Yes Queen Elsa. He’s your brother and he’s supposed to be locked up in the attic. Your parents’ orders.
ELSA
Why was he locked in the attic?
GREG
Fire powers, duh! What? You thought you were special with your ice powers? Yeah, you ain’t the only freak in the family.
CHRIS
Queen Elsa, I must advise that you lock Greg back up in the attic because it may come out.
GREG
Please, sis! Don’t send me back to that old attic! I love you!
ELSA
Well, maybe Greg’s magic is controlled by love like me.
GREG
Hold the phone. Love controls your powers? Mom and Dad said mine were demonic and a priest would perform exorcisms on me making me drink holy water until I puked. Also, why isn’t she locked in the attic too?
ELSA
I was isolated within the castle. My powers caused our parents to close the castle off to the public.
GREG
You got to roam free around the whole castle? What the heck, Chris!
CHRIS
Actually, Queen Elsa your parents really feared Greg. So, if we could just lock him back in the attic before...
ANNA
I have a brother with fire powers and a sister with ice powers. Why don’t I have any powers?
GREG
Your powers are cuteness and love.
ANNA
Aw!
ELSA
Anna! Can we talk in private?
GREG
Hey, no more secrets, okay?
ELSA
Again, maybe we should listen to our loyal servant Chris. Our parents must have had a reason to hide Greg from us?
GREG
Again, Mom and Dad are dead. I say forget their rules. It’s Queen Elsa’s time to shine.
ANNA
Speaking of Queen Elsa. Isn’t the order of succession usually the male heir before the female heir?
GREG
Wait? I’m supposed to be king? Awesome! Bow down before King Greg!
ELSA
Again! Can he control his powers? I mean it’s already a PR nightmare with me, so, if he’s let loose....
GREG
Okay I burnt the dog when we were kids by accident. I’m a grown man. Let me do what I want!
ANNA
You burnt our dog? And we had a dog?
GREG
Yeah, the trolls got rid of that memory too. So about me being king?
CHRIS
Queen Elsa, I advise that you lock your brother back up in the attic!
GREG
Don’t lock me up in the attic! Please, I got rid of the eternal winter for you guys.
ELSA
No, I got rid of it!
GREG
Sis, please! Ice magic creates more ice. I felt cold up in the attic and shot a flame out into the sky, then boom, eternal winter gone. Fire melts ice, dummy.
ANNA
He might have a point. Maybe we should keep him around just in case things get frozen again, so he can warm them up.
ELSA
No! I know how to control my powers! Love is the key!
GREG
Then if you love your brother, you set me free!
ANNA
I agree with Greg. I mean you saw what happened when you were isolated. Think of what might happen if we keep him locked up in the attic.
GREG
Yeah Elsa, let it go!
ELSA
What did you say?
GREG
Just let it go!
ELSA
You are my brother!
Elsa hugs Greg and suddenly the castle begins to rumble and shake.
CHRIS
Oh man! It’s here!
ELSA
Who’s here?
MICKEY MOUSE (O.S.)
M-I-C! K-E-Y!
GREG
Oh man! I freed the demon again. The true ruler of the land.
ELSA
What demon?
ANNA
Elsa! I’m scared!
MICKEY MOUSE (O.S.)
M-O-U-S-E!
Mickey Mouse enters the room in a cloud of smoke. Chris flees the scene as Greg waves to Mickey as Elsa and Anna shake in fear.
MICKEY MOUSE
Greg! You’ve angered me! No boys are allowed here in the kingdom of Arendelle! Be gone, Greg.
Greg disappears in a cloud of smoke humming “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?”. Mickey Mouse laughs evilly as Anna and Elsa continue to shake in fear.
MICKEY MOUSE
Now keep singing “Let it go!”. It feeds me money! Now, I’m off to devour a fox! I grow stronger every day! Ha ha!
Mickey Mouse disappears in a cloud of smoke as Anna and Elsa slowly calm down.
ANNA
I can’t believe a demon killed our only brother and we’ll never truly know why.
ELSA
Just let it go!
END
Survivor Parody Sketch (Second City Class Project)!
Bob, Liz and Sarah are sitting at the beach as Chuck enters carrying a box of doughnuts.
CHUCK
Guys! I found doughnuts! We’re saved!
LIZ
You stole those from the cameramen didn’t you, Chuck?
CHUCK
No, I found them in the middle of the jungle. On a coffee table next to other snacks. Now then, these doughnuts won’t last us very long. I declare we eat Frank in order to survive!
BOB
Dude, what are you talking about?
CHUCK
I’m sorry Bob, but I thought we were trying to survive here. We’re lost and alone on this island.
SARAH
We’re on the TV show Survivor, Chuck! None of this is real!
CHUCK
Sarah, we don’t want to anger the gods Jacob Bernstein and Kyle Schulz.
SARAH
You mean you don’t want to anger the producers?
CHUCK
Yeah, the gods! Oh man, here comes Frank with all of his meat. Quiet as I make the killing blow.
Chuck pulls out a gun and aims it at Frank. Frank raises his hands in the air.
FRANK
What the hell Chuck?
CHUCK
Sorry Frank, but in order for us to survive, we have to eat you. This will only hurt for a second.
Chuck fires the gun but there are no bullets in the gun and Chuck throws the gun away after realizing the gun is empty.
CHUCK
Damn! Now we’re going to starve. We’re lost on this island.
FRANK
Chuck, dude, we’re playing Survivor. You can go home at any time.
CHUCK
Really? I can get off the island?
FRANK
Yeah just go ask the one of the cameramen to give you a lift home.
CHUCK
Cameramen?
BOB
You know the guys filming us right now, Chuck.
CHUCK
Oh, I thought they were natives. But you guys need me here in order to survive.
LIZ
Honestly, we’ll be fine without you, Chuck. In fact we were planning on voting you off at next tribal council.
SARAH
I agree with Liz, we are defiantly voting you off at the next tribal council meeting. Not just because you tried to kill Frank, but also because you’re taking this too seriously.
CHUCK
Oh, wow, geez Sarah. I was going to say that I found a jet ski that could take us off the island and get us home. But if you all want me gone, I’ll just go. No one needs to tell the elder of the tribal council about my misdeeds.
LIZ
What are you talking about?
CHUCK
You know the one called Jeff!
LIZ
You mean the host, Jeff Probst?
BOB
Just get out of here, Chuck! Nobody wants you here!
FRANK
Are we all just ignoring the fact he tried to kill me a minute ago?
BOB
Shut up Frank, we don’t like you either.
SARAH
Yeah, shut up Frank!
CHUCK
Fine, I’ll get on the jet ski and go home. And I won’t tell anyone you’re all here.
Chuck exits the scene as Liz, Sarah and Bob huddle up.
BOB
Now that Chuck’s gone, I say we vote off Frank.
LIZ
Agreed!
SARAH
That million dollars is as good as mine.
FRANK
I can hear you guys. You know what? Screw this! I’m going on the Price is Right.
Frank is about to leave when Chuck reenters and shoots him in the arm. Frank screams in pain after being shot in the arm by Chuck.
CHUCK
That jet ski was out of gas. Plus, I found bullets for the gun. So what’s this about a million dollars?
END
CHUCK
Guys! I found doughnuts! We’re saved!
LIZ
You stole those from the cameramen didn’t you, Chuck?
CHUCK
No, I found them in the middle of the jungle. On a coffee table next to other snacks. Now then, these doughnuts won’t last us very long. I declare we eat Frank in order to survive!
BOB
Dude, what are you talking about?
CHUCK
I’m sorry Bob, but I thought we were trying to survive here. We’re lost and alone on this island.
SARAH
We’re on the TV show Survivor, Chuck! None of this is real!
CHUCK
Sarah, we don’t want to anger the gods Jacob Bernstein and Kyle Schulz.
SARAH
You mean you don’t want to anger the producers?
CHUCK
Yeah, the gods! Oh man, here comes Frank with all of his meat. Quiet as I make the killing blow.
Chuck pulls out a gun and aims it at Frank. Frank raises his hands in the air.
FRANK
What the hell Chuck?
CHUCK
Sorry Frank, but in order for us to survive, we have to eat you. This will only hurt for a second.
Chuck fires the gun but there are no bullets in the gun and Chuck throws the gun away after realizing the gun is empty.
CHUCK
Damn! Now we’re going to starve. We’re lost on this island.
FRANK
Chuck, dude, we’re playing Survivor. You can go home at any time.
CHUCK
Really? I can get off the island?
FRANK
Yeah just go ask the one of the cameramen to give you a lift home.
CHUCK
Cameramen?
BOB
You know the guys filming us right now, Chuck.
CHUCK
Oh, I thought they were natives. But you guys need me here in order to survive.
LIZ
Honestly, we’ll be fine without you, Chuck. In fact we were planning on voting you off at next tribal council.
SARAH
I agree with Liz, we are defiantly voting you off at the next tribal council meeting. Not just because you tried to kill Frank, but also because you’re taking this too seriously.
CHUCK
Oh, wow, geez Sarah. I was going to say that I found a jet ski that could take us off the island and get us home. But if you all want me gone, I’ll just go. No one needs to tell the elder of the tribal council about my misdeeds.
LIZ
What are you talking about?
CHUCK
You know the one called Jeff!
LIZ
You mean the host, Jeff Probst?
BOB
Just get out of here, Chuck! Nobody wants you here!
FRANK
Are we all just ignoring the fact he tried to kill me a minute ago?
BOB
Shut up Frank, we don’t like you either.
SARAH
Yeah, shut up Frank!
CHUCK
Fine, I’ll get on the jet ski and go home. And I won’t tell anyone you’re all here.
Chuck exits the scene as Liz, Sarah and Bob huddle up.
BOB
Now that Chuck’s gone, I say we vote off Frank.
LIZ
Agreed!
SARAH
That million dollars is as good as mine.
FRANK
I can hear you guys. You know what? Screw this! I’m going on the Price is Right.
Frank is about to leave when Chuck reenters and shoots him in the arm. Frank screams in pain after being shot in the arm by Chuck.
CHUCK
That jet ski was out of gas. Plus, I found bullets for the gun. So what’s this about a million dollars?
END
Thursday, February 7, 2019
My Pillow Guy Parody (Second City Class Sketch)
A couple is lying in bed together with the husband feeling uncomfortable.
WIFE
Honey, can’t sleep again?
HUSBAND
It’s this pillow. It’s not soft enough.
MY PILLOW GUY (O.S.)
Did somebody say that there pillow isn’t soft enough?
The My Pillow Guy enters the couple’s bedroom and the couple looks interested.
HUSBAND
Who are you?
MY PILLOW GUY
I’m the inventor of the My Pillow. The softest pillow ever!
HUSBAND
Softest pillow ever! Can I try it?
MY PILLOW GUY
No! It’s My Pillow!
HUSBAND
What?
MY PILLOW GUY
Only I get to use My Pillow because it’s MY Pillow!
WIFE
Don’t you have like an entire factory making your pillows?
MY PILLOW GUY
All those pillows are mine! And these pillows are mine!
My Pillow Guy takes the couple’s pillows and the husband gets up out of bed.
HUSBAND
Hey pal those pillows belong to us!
MY PILLOW GUY
No they’re my pillows! Mine! So back off!
HUSBAND
Okay, geez take them.
My Pillow Guy runs out of the room with all of the pillows. As the couple looks confused.
MY PILLOW GUY (O.S.)
So remember! My Pillow is my pillow! No one else can have it because it’s mine!
END
WIFE
Honey, can’t sleep again?
HUSBAND
It’s this pillow. It’s not soft enough.
MY PILLOW GUY (O.S.)
Did somebody say that there pillow isn’t soft enough?
The My Pillow Guy enters the couple’s bedroom and the couple looks interested.
HUSBAND
Who are you?
MY PILLOW GUY
I’m the inventor of the My Pillow. The softest pillow ever!
HUSBAND
Softest pillow ever! Can I try it?
MY PILLOW GUY
No! It’s My Pillow!
HUSBAND
What?
MY PILLOW GUY
Only I get to use My Pillow because it’s MY Pillow!
WIFE
Don’t you have like an entire factory making your pillows?
MY PILLOW GUY
All those pillows are mine! And these pillows are mine!
My Pillow Guy takes the couple’s pillows and the husband gets up out of bed.
HUSBAND
Hey pal those pillows belong to us!
MY PILLOW GUY
No they’re my pillows! Mine! So back off!
HUSBAND
Okay, geez take them.
My Pillow Guy runs out of the room with all of the pillows. As the couple looks confused.
MY PILLOW GUY (O.S.)
So remember! My Pillow is my pillow! No one else can have it because it’s mine!
END
Sears Sketch (Second City Class Project)
In a Sears store checkout line, we see Fred, an older male employee, behind the counter standing waiting for customers to come.
FRED
Really? No one wants to shop at Sears anymore?
Susie, a young woman in rags, walks over towards Fred at the checkout line.
SUSIE
I’ve never seen this place so empty before!
FRED
Who are you?
SUSIE
My name is Susie. I got lost in this place 19 years ago when I was a little girl. Have you seen my Mommy?
FRED
Wait, you’ve been here for 19 years? How come I haven’t seen you until just now?
SUSIE
Good question, Fred!
FRED
How do you know my name?
SUSIE
Your name tag, duh.
FRED
Oh yeah.
SUSIE
Again, have you seen my Mommy?
FRED
No, things have changed a lot. Your Mommy might not even be a Sears customer anymore.
SUSIE
Wait, this place is a Sears?
FRED
Yes, you had no idea you’ve been lost in a Sears for 19 years?
SUSIE
How is this place still in business?
FRED
Actually, we’re going out of business. So unless you’re going to buy something I suggest you leave.
SUSIE
Buy something from Sears? Are you crazy?
FRED
Well Susie, you’ve been lost here for 19 years. You had to survive on items from our store.
SUSIE
Actually, I ordered stuff from Amazon.
FRED
Don’t say that word! It’s forbidden here!
SUSIE
What? Amazon?
FRED
You young people are all the same. You don’t want to drive to your local mall and shop at Sears. You just want to have your shit come to you.
SUSIE
Since you said it like that. Amazon is clearly the winner here.
FRED
Look, are you going to buy something or not?
SUSIE
I just want to find my Mommy. Also I ordered a cookbook from Amazon a few days ago and I’m just waiting for it to be delivered.
FRED
We have plenty of cookbooks here at Sears, you idiot! Just buy one of our cookbooks!
SUSIE
You’re not listening. I already ordered it on Amazon and it should be shipped here real soon.
FRED
Look, just get out of here. You’re legally an adult now, so I have the right to kick your ass out of here. And...
A delivery man walks into the store carrying a package.
DELIVERY MAN
I have a package here for Susie!
SUSIE
Oh my cookbook has arrived! I’ll sign for it my good man!
Susie signs a notepad and then The delivery man hands Susie her package.
DELIVERY MAN
Thanks. Now, what are you two doing in here?
FRED
I work here!
DELIVERY MAN
Wait, people still shop at Sears?
FRED
Not anymore apparently according to you young people. It’s all Amazon now.
DELIVERY MAN
Okay, my work here is done so I’ll be going now. Sorry you wasted your life working at Sears, buddy.
The delivery man exits the scene as Fred begins sobbing.
FRED
I worked here for 50 years. This place used to be full of life. And now it’s all gone!
SUSIE
Dude, it’s just Sears, let it go.
FRED
Maybe you’re right young Susie. Maybe it is time for me to move on.
SUSIE
I guess this is goodbye. In more ways than one.
FRED
You’re right, Susie. I guess I better close this place up for good. Nobody is coming here anymore.
Bob, a male customer, rushes into the store.
BOB
Hi, I noticed the going out of business signs and wanted to see the deals and...
FRED
Get lost! We’re closed!
BOB
Fine, you just lost a customer good sir.
FRED
What else is new!
SUSIE
Well, Fred, I’m off on a quest to find my Mom. But first, I’m going to Toys R Us. I am in a mall after all.
FRED
Yeah funny story about Toys R Us, Susie...
END
FRED
Really? No one wants to shop at Sears anymore?
Susie, a young woman in rags, walks over towards Fred at the checkout line.
SUSIE
I’ve never seen this place so empty before!
FRED
Who are you?
SUSIE
My name is Susie. I got lost in this place 19 years ago when I was a little girl. Have you seen my Mommy?
FRED
Wait, you’ve been here for 19 years? How come I haven’t seen you until just now?
SUSIE
Good question, Fred!
FRED
How do you know my name?
SUSIE
Your name tag, duh.
FRED
Oh yeah.
SUSIE
Again, have you seen my Mommy?
FRED
No, things have changed a lot. Your Mommy might not even be a Sears customer anymore.
SUSIE
Wait, this place is a Sears?
FRED
Yes, you had no idea you’ve been lost in a Sears for 19 years?
SUSIE
How is this place still in business?
FRED
Actually, we’re going out of business. So unless you’re going to buy something I suggest you leave.
SUSIE
Buy something from Sears? Are you crazy?
FRED
Well Susie, you’ve been lost here for 19 years. You had to survive on items from our store.
SUSIE
Actually, I ordered stuff from Amazon.
FRED
Don’t say that word! It’s forbidden here!
SUSIE
What? Amazon?
FRED
You young people are all the same. You don’t want to drive to your local mall and shop at Sears. You just want to have your shit come to you.
SUSIE
Since you said it like that. Amazon is clearly the winner here.
FRED
Look, are you going to buy something or not?
SUSIE
I just want to find my Mommy. Also I ordered a cookbook from Amazon a few days ago and I’m just waiting for it to be delivered.
FRED
We have plenty of cookbooks here at Sears, you idiot! Just buy one of our cookbooks!
SUSIE
You’re not listening. I already ordered it on Amazon and it should be shipped here real soon.
FRED
Look, just get out of here. You’re legally an adult now, so I have the right to kick your ass out of here. And...
A delivery man walks into the store carrying a package.
DELIVERY MAN
I have a package here for Susie!
SUSIE
Oh my cookbook has arrived! I’ll sign for it my good man!
Susie signs a notepad and then The delivery man hands Susie her package.
DELIVERY MAN
Thanks. Now, what are you two doing in here?
FRED
I work here!
DELIVERY MAN
Wait, people still shop at Sears?
FRED
Not anymore apparently according to you young people. It’s all Amazon now.
DELIVERY MAN
Okay, my work here is done so I’ll be going now. Sorry you wasted your life working at Sears, buddy.
The delivery man exits the scene as Fred begins sobbing.
FRED
I worked here for 50 years. This place used to be full of life. And now it’s all gone!
SUSIE
Dude, it’s just Sears, let it go.
FRED
Maybe you’re right young Susie. Maybe it is time for me to move on.
SUSIE
I guess this is goodbye. In more ways than one.
FRED
You’re right, Susie. I guess I better close this place up for good. Nobody is coming here anymore.
Bob, a male customer, rushes into the store.
BOB
Hi, I noticed the going out of business signs and wanted to see the deals and...
FRED
Get lost! We’re closed!
BOB
Fine, you just lost a customer good sir.
FRED
What else is new!
SUSIE
Well, Fred, I’m off on a quest to find my Mom. But first, I’m going to Toys R Us. I am in a mall after all.
FRED
Yeah funny story about Toys R Us, Susie...
END
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