Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Gaming Vets (Second City Class Sketch)!

(At local tavern in Video Game Land) 

(Miner Mike and Captain Rex are sitting together in a booth drinking beer from mugs and Miner Mike looks like a nervous wreck)

                      MINER MIKE
                         (IN A SAD TONE)
I can’t take it any more man, jump up, jump down, dig a hole, and then go through the temple maze…and for what? A freaking ruby and kiss from some princess! For 30 years I’ve been doing this shit and I can’t take it anymore!

                     CAPTAIN REX
Take it easy Mike, for god’s sake, look at you. You’re the most famous coal miner in the world. You’re practically The King of Video Game Land. You’ve done good, Miner Mike.

(Miner Mike slams his fist on the table in anger)

                    MINER MIKE
Nah man, I’m a freaking monster, you know how many lizards I killed Rex? Those poor lizards, at first I’ll admit it was fun hitting them with my pickaxe…but Rex, those lizards had families and I took away some kid’s Dad. What did those lizards ever do to me in the first place? Nothing! They’re just freaking pawns in a weird sick game. IT’S ALL PLAYER 1’S FAULT ANYWAY!

(Miner Mike covers his hands over his face while Captain Rex plays with his gun)
                         
                  CAPTIAN REX
Mike, it’s not Player 1’s fault, don’t ever say anything bad about Player 1. Those lizards, you know some of them had more than one life right?

                    MINER MIKE
I know they have extra lives! But damn it they still shouldn’t have died man…

(Miner Mike begins to cry and Captain Rex pats him on the back)

                   CAPTAIN REX
Mike, seriously, let it go, you know how many people I killed today in my game? I killed 10,000 Lion soldiers and do you see me acting like a nervous wreck? No, because I’m a hero like you! I save my planet from Lucifer Lion and you save your beautiful girlfriend Princess Tina from the Mummy King.

                     MINER MIKE
Don’t even get me started on Princess Tina! Do you ever find it weird that she seems to get kidnapped all the time by that damn Mummy King? I think she’s cheating on me with that toilet paper bastard. She doesn’t love me, Rex, she just loves my damn rubies!

                    CAPTAIN REX
Well, forget about Princess Tina for a second. Think of the joy you bring to the children every time they play your game! Wouldn’t that at least put a smile on your ash-covered face?
                     MINER MIKE
Screw the kids, man, I hate today’s gamers. With their first person shooters and their non 8-bit graphics! They don’t give a rat’s ass about me! Plus, I know most of them make me jump off the cliff on level 2 to watch me die! EVEN KIDS WANT ME DEAD REX!

                    CAPTAIN REX
You know my game is a first person shooter…

                      MINER MIKE
I know, Rex, that’s just the anger talking. Do you know how worthless your life is when you have 10 extra? I could die right now and it wouldn’t mean shit!

                        CAPTAIN REX
Okay…how about I buy you another round of beer! That’ll get you out of your sourpuss mood! HEY ANOTHER ROUND OF BEERS OVER HERE!

(Kim Lizard who is a waitress at the tavern comes to our heroes’ booth and she looks pissed off)

                     KIM LIZARD
YOU SON OF A BITCH! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE IN MY TAVERN!

                     MINER MIKE
Kim, everyday I wished I didn’t kill your husband Larry…

                     KIM LIZARD
                         (ANGRY)
MY HUSBAND’S NAME WAS KYLE!

                      MINER MIKE
Sorry, you lizards look alike to me, but, look, I don’t want any more trouble so…

                     KIM LIZARD
                        (ANNOYED)
You killed my husband 3 damn times all because you wanted a freaking ruby! I have four kids without a Dad because you took him away from us…

                      MINER MIKE
                          (PISSED OFF)
Lady, I have Posttraumatic stress disorder from years of killing lizards in those damn temple mines! What more do you want from me! I know I’m a damn monster, but lady, hating me won’t bring your kids they’re Daddy back!

                       KIM LIZARD
                          (YELLING)
Just get out of my damn tavern before I call the…

                    CAPTAIN REX
Hold on now beautiful…

(Kim Lizard sees the handsome Captain Rex and she begins to calm down)

                    KIM LIZARD
Why, you ain’t so bad looking yourself! Look at you with your HD graphics…

                     CAPTAIN REX
Look, I’m sorry my friend killed your husband, but don’t call the cops on us, tell you what, when do you get off work?

                    
                     KIM LIZARD
At five, why?

                     CAPTAIN REX
Because I need a date to the gladiator fight on my home planet tonight and you look like you could use a good time!

                    KIM LIZARD
Great, pick me up around six, mind if I bring my kids?

                    CAPTAIN REX
Kids love gladiators! Of course, they can come with us. See you at six, but for now, just bring my pal and I another round of beers and then later we’ll have a good time!

                   KIM LIZARD
Okay! Another round of beers coming up!

(Kim Lizard walks away sexually and Captain Rex pats Miner Mike on the back)

                    MINER MIKE
Thanks Rex! Sorry you have to go on a date with her through?

                     CAPTAIN REX
Nah man, she was fine, I like older women. Anyway, you’re not a monster for killing those lizards…

                     MINER MIKE
I know…I’m a monster for killing those damn moles!

                    CAPTAIN REX
Really?

(Miner Mike begins to laugh and then Captain Rex begins to laugh and it ends with Miner Mike and Captain Rex laughing together at the same time)

                    (Blackout.)















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