Franchise Sketch (Second City Class Project)

EXT-DESERT-DAY

JESUS CHRIST, a 30-something young man dressed in a white robe with long brown hair and a beard, is standing in the middle of the desert.

JESUS
Look upon me and know me, yea, for I am...

Then RAY KROC, a middle age man wearing a business suit, enters and shakes Jesus Christ’s hand.

RAY
Hello, Mr. Christ, may I call you Jesus? Just kidding now...

JESUS
How may I help you?

RAY
I’ll just cut to the chase, my name is Ray Kroc and I think we need to start a franchise together.

JESUS
What kind of a franchise?

RAY
Well, I own McDonald’s, you may have heard of us. Any hoo, this Christianity thing is going to be big. I have a gut feeling about that and we need to start franchising with some churches and....

COLONEL SANDERS (O.S.)
Hold everything!

COLONEL SANDERS, an old man dressed in a white suit holding a cane, walks up between Jesus and Ray holding a bucket of fried chicken.

COLONEL SANDERS
Hello Jesus, my name is Colonel Sanders and I think you should start a franchise with me. And every one of our fine churches will have a Kentucky Fried Chicken inside them.

JESUS
I don’t know?

RAY
Damn it, I was here first Colonel Sanders. I called dibs on starting the Christianity franchise with Jesus.

Colonel Sanders coughs and pulls out a white glove. Colonel Sanders slaps Ray with the white glove.

RAY
What the hell was that for?

COLONEL SANDERS
Ray Kroc, I challenge you to a duel for the franchise rights to Christianity.

RAY
Bring it on old man!

Before Ray and Colonel Sanders could fight each other Jesus comes in between them to break up the fight.

JESUS
Hold it you two, just turn the other cheek now and...

Before Jesus could finish his sentence. GENNARO SBARRO, a middle aged Italian man dressed in a chef’s outfit, enters the scene and he does the sign of the cross as he enters.

GENNARO
Jesus! My name is Gennaro Sbarro and I wish to start a franchise with you.

Jesus, Ray and Colonel Sanders look at each other and then they all laugh together at Gennaro Sbarro.

RAY
That’s cute, why don’t you return to the dying mall you spawned from Mario.

GENNARO
The name’s Gennaro Sbarro! You all laugh at me now, but you’ll see! I’ll....

Suddenly it goes dark and when the lights turn back on, L. RON HUBBARD, a middle age man wearing a baseball cap, appears and we hear techno music playing in the background.

L. RON HUBBARD
Gennaro Sbarro! I, L. Ron Hubbard, would like to talk to you about franchising Scientology. We’re not so different you and I.

GENNARO
You see, what Jesus won’t give me, L. Ron Hubbard can!

Gennaro snaps his fingers and exits the scene with L. Ron Hubbard as Jesus, Colonel Sanders and Ray stand around looking confused.

JESUS
Did we just get burned?

RAY
Oh that son of a bitch isn’t going to steal a franchise from me. Hey L. Ron Hubbard, how would you like to start a franchise with a real business man?

Ray exits the scene in a huff going after L. Ron Hubbard and Gennaro. Jesus sits down on a rock while Colonel Sanders wipes his face with a napkin.

JESUS
What now Colonel Sanders?

Colonel Sanders after wiping the napkin on his face tosses it away and places a bucket of fried chicken in front of Jesus.

COLONEL SANDERS
You see this bucket of fried chicken?

JESUS
Yeah?

COLONEL SANDERS
Multiple that fried chicken boy! Then make some damn wine too! Welcome to the restaurant business Christ!

END