INT. BEDROOM-DAY
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) and BUSTER KEATON (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) are in a small bedroom together with a film crew filming behind them. William and Buster look very depressed and Buster coughs before William could speak.
WILLIAM
Hello, I’m William Randolph Hearst.
BUSTER
I’m Buster Keaton.
WILLIAM
And welcome to our Super Awesome Newsreel!
BUSTER
What’s so awesome about our newsreel, Mr. Moneybags Hearst?
WILLIAM
Calm down, Buster. Sorry folks, it’s just this Great Depression hit Buster and I hard, and...
BUSTER
You son of a bitch, you’re still rich as shit. My film studio went bankrupt and you continue to throw lavish parties at your freaking huge and fancy ass mansion. I’m beginning to agree with them commies over in Russia.
WILLIAM
Very funny, Buster. Now then, um, since the news is very depressing during this Great Depression. Plus, I rather speak no ill will towards our president Herbert Hoover...
BUSTER
Who’s houses suck by the way. Believe me I know for a fact.
WILLIAM
And since we had to let Ms. Marion Byron our newsreels due to budget cuts.
BUSTER
I wonder how Marion is doing anyway?
CUT TO.
EXT. STREET CORNER-DAY
MARION BYRON (Loosely based on her real life counterpart) is selling cigarettes on a street corner when a big burly man walks over.
BIG BURLY MAN
Hey you!
MARION
Yes sir, would you like some cigarettes?
BIG BURLY MAN
You used to be in those crappy newsreels that interrupted me Looney Tunes, didn’t ya?
MARION
Yes, I was, but I was laid off so...
BIG BURLY MAN
Those be fighting words in my...
Before the big burly man could attack Marion, she kicks him in the balls and then kicks him in the chest. Once the big burly man is knocked out, Marion steals his wallet and flees the scene.
CUT TO.
INT. BEDROOM-DAY
William and Buster are messing with an old timey radio flipping through stations. Buster is also drinking a bottle of booze.
WILLIAM
Now this new fancy radio of ours will be great for some reaction newsreels. So, let’s find some current programs to react to. Please remember to tell the man at the ticket booth at your local nickelodeon you liked us, subscribe to my newspapers and mail us a thumbs up to say you liked our newsreel for a second time.
BUSTER
William, didn’t nickelodeon owners tell us not recommend their customers not to do that crap. I don’t need more lawsuits, bro!
William finally found a station on the radio to listen to and William claps with glee.
RADIO ANNOUCER (V.O.)
Now it’s time for The Ed Wynn Show starring Ed Wynn!
ED WYNN (V.O.)
Thank you Mister Announcer and audience abound. My voice sounds familiar because this is where you heard it from. That’s why cartoon characters and fast food mascots sound like me in the future kiddies.
William turns the radio knob and finds another station. Buster takes a huge swing of booze from his bottle.
RADIO ANNOUCER (V.O.)
It’s The Amos ’n’ Andy Show!
Buster spits out his booze after hearing what’s on the radio and William rushes to change the station. Once they find a new station, both William and Buster feel a sigh of relief.
RUSH LIMBAUGH (V.O.)
Hello, I’m Rush Limbaugh, welcome to my new radio show and today is my 25th birthday. Now everything sucks and...
Buster midway through turns the radio knob to change the station while William starts to read a newspaper.
RADIO ANNOUCER (V.O.)
It’s The Abbott and Costello Show!
BUD ABBOTT (V.O.)
Who’s on first, what’s on second and I don’t know who’s on third!
LOU COSTELLO (V.O.)
Damn it Bud, I’m tired of this act and I’m going off script because of my heart! I can’t hide my feelings no more! I love you, Bud! Make sweet love to me! Right here over the air!
Buster quickly turns the knob on the radio again while William is about to get up when breaking news is heard over the radio that makes him sit back down.
ORSON WELLES (V.O.)
Attention listeners of the world. There’s an invasion coming! An invasion of flavor!
WILLIAM
Oh, it’s just that damn Orson Welles again, change the station.
ORSON WELLES (V.O.)
Oh William, don’t change the station, now. While I eat these delicious Steak ’n Shake hamburgers while drinking a fine bottle of wine. Give a listen to what I have to say.
WILLIAM
Where are you, Orson?
CUT TO.
EXT. STEAK ’N SHAKE RESTAURANT-DAY
ORSON WELLES (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) is eating a hamburger and drinking wine straight from the bottle next to two huge plates of hamburgers. Orson is also recording his radio show in a booth while he eats and drinks. It is crowed outside the Steak ’n Shake as customers line up to get food.
ORSON WELLES
I’m currently in Normal, Illinois eating at a newly opened restaurant called Steak ’n Shake. But for now William, what you need to know is that I am working on a little film called Citizen Kane which will mock you and make me a God like you. It will garner me so much praise and win me so many awards.
Orson laughs and then burps. A Steak ’n Shake employee brings over a check to Orson. Orson places his hand over the mic and stares at the Steak ’n Shake employee.
ORSON WELLES
Um, my boss will pay for my meal, go to him with the bill.
STEAK ’N SHAKE EMPLOYEE
Sir, your boss wanted you to pay. Don’t make me get my manager.
Orson coughs a little with chucks of hamburger flying out and he gulps nervously. The Steak ’n Shake Employee looks pissed as a big buff security guard walks over towards them.
CUT TO.
INT. BEDROOM-DAY
William and Buster are still listening to the radio as it slowly starts to fade.
ORSON WELLES (V.O.)
Sorry William, I can’t talk anymore. For...Oh no! Please have mercy, I...
The radio goes to static as Buster hits it to get it to work. Suddenly ADRIANA CASELOTTI (Loosely based on her real life counterpart) enters and dances in the background. William jumps up from his chair and runs over towards Adriana.
WILLIAM
Ms. Caselotti, please get out of here. We’re currently filming at newsreel right now and...
ADRIANA
Please Mr. Hearst. I just wanted a glass of water. Please don’t put me back in your cellar.
Buster runs over towards William and Adriana. Buster tips his hat to Adriana and looks over to William.
BUSTER
Who’s that? Marion’s replacement?
WILLIAM
No, actually, Ms. Adriana Caselotti is a virgin sacrifice that I was going to use in a ritual that’ll give me eternal youth.
ADRIANA
Please help me Mr. Keaton! He’s going to kill me!
BUSTER
Now why in the hell are you going to do that?
WILLIAM
It’s what my friend Mr. John D. Rockefeller Sr. did. I heard the ritual did wonders for him.
CUT TO.
JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER SR. (An older male with a mustache and the physique of a bodybuilder) is flexing while looking at himself in the mirror as his daughter ALTA ROCKEFELLER PRENTICE (Loosely based on her real life counterpart) looks on in horror.
ALTA
Father, what have you done!
JOHN
Oh Alta, my dear Alta, it was worth it, look at me. I’m ripped and buff. And I feel so youthful.
ALTA
But sacrificing a young girl to gain this? Why?
JOHN
Oh honey, just be lucky you’re a Rockefeller because you could be used in one of these rituals. In fact, I might sell you to the highest bidder if you weren’t my daughter.
ALTA
This is still all messed up though.
JOHN
Hey, rich people do fucked up things. Trust me, you haven’t seen my porn collection and you never shall, because if I showed anyone my porn collection. I have to kill them.
Alta starts sobbing as John poses and flexes while looking at himself in the mirror.
CUT TO.
INT. HALLWAY-DAY
William and Buster are dragging Adriana down a long hallway as she screams and pleads for her life. William holds Adriana while Buster brings over a chair. Adriana screams and suddenly a young WALT DISNEY (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) enters smoking a cigar and applauding loudly.
WALT
Miss, your voice is wonderful. How would you like to be Snow White in my new animated feature film.
WILLIAM
Damn it Walt Disney. This is my virgin to sacrifice, go find your own.
ADRIANA
I’m no a virgin though!
WILLIAM
Oh what, really. When and with who?
Buster awkwardly raises his hand and William kicks Buster in the shin after this discovery. William then has a fit of anger around the halls throwing around chairs and other furniture.
WILLIAM
Damn it, I guess I will never get eternal youth. Mr. Disney just take her out of here.
WALT
That’s Mr. Walt Disney to you. Come on babe, let’s make some music and cartoons together.
ADRIANA
Awesome!
Walt and Adriana exit with Adriana singing as she goes. Buster is rubbing his shin in pain while William sighs and calms down. With the film crew looking confused at what the just scene.
FILM CREW MEMBER #1
If the pay weren’t so good, I would have quit years ago.
FILM CREW MEMBER #2
I heard Disney is hiring. Maybe we should go and ask Walt for work before he goes.
FILM CREW MEMBER #1
Nah, I was more of a Fleischer Studios fan anyway. Besides, I just want more footage of this winter sled Mr. Hearst is burning anyway.
FILM CREW MEMBER #2
I wonder why Mr. Hearst’s childhood sled is in his fireplace anyway?
As the crew film start to film the fireplace where the winter sled is burning we zoom in closer to read the sled has written on it the words “Rosebud”. Once we read “Rosebud” on the winter sled the sound of Orson Welles ghostly laughter can be heard as the screen fades.
END
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