(A high school gym but decorated
for a 15 year high school reunion)
(Velvet and Scarlett are drinking
punch and catching up with each other)
VELVET
So Scarlett, what have you been up to after high school?
SCARLETT
Well, after high school I married my high school sweetheart…
VELVET
You married Brad!
SCARLETT
And I divorced Brad, but now I have three lovely children. I
currently work as a waitress at Red
Lobster. But otherwise I’m doing okay, how about you?
VELVET
After high school I starred in a few
porn movies, met Ron Jeremy and we had relations both on and off camera. Now, I
work at Banana Republic and on the side I sign autographs at adult
entertainment conventions. I have so many fans!
SCARLETT
I know my ex-husband Brad is one of
your biggest fans, and so is my son Kyle. I once said while my son was watching
one of your old porn movies on his iPad…’that’s mommy’s friend from high
school!’ I guess it’s cool I know a celebrity!
VELVET
Speaking of celebrities…did you know
we went to high school with that famous pop and movie star Alison Swift? I
don’t even remember her attending our high school, but I hear she’s here at the
reunion!
SCARLETT
Yeah, I heard she’s
probably the only person to win both an Oscar and a Grammy in the same year. My
daughter Velvet worships her like a god!
VELVET
You named your daughter
after me!
(Scarlett paused for a moment and feels a little
awkward)
SCARLETT
Actually Brad named her
Velvet. I wanted to name her Cindy after my grandmother, but in the end I
agreed with Brad.
(Velvet
soon spots Alison Swift and taps Scarlett on the
shoulder)
VELVET
Hey there she is! Alison Swift! Should
we call her over?
SCARLETT
(YELLING)
ALISON SWIFT! OVER HERE! MY DAUGHTER
WISHES YOU WERE HER MOTHER! CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH TO GIVE TO MY DAUGHTER?
SHE WOULD THINK I’M THE COOLEST MOM EVER!
(Alison
Swift hears Scarlett and she walks very sexy towards them with a cup of punch
in her hand)
(Velvet and Scarlett are amazed at how young and beautiful
Alison Swift is and stare at her in wonder)
VELVET
WOW! How old are you? You have to be
at least 23 years old!
ALISON SWIFT
Well actually I’m 24, but I moved up a
couple grades because I’m so smart! I was an honor roll student all my life!
SCARLETT
AMAZING! We’re all a bunch of 30
somethings and we’ve got a little girl in here! Now about that autograph for my
daughter VelveT…along with it could I also take a selfie with you too! My
daughter will love me even more!
VELVET
It’s so strange Ms. Swift, I was a
popular girl in high school. I was well liked in my day, but how come we
weren’t ever friends? I don’t even remember you attending school!
SCARLETT
Yeah, you should have been in our
clique, you’re blonde and beautiful. You would have totally fit in with us!
(Alison Swift begins to laugh while Velvet and
Scarlett look confused)
VELVET
(CONFUSED)
What’s so funny?
ALISON SWIFT
(LAUGHING)
You two idiots have no idea who I am,
do you?
SCARLETT
WAIT! You know who we are? How?
ALISON SWIFT
Does, “here come thunder thighs mean
anything too you”? “Miss Piggy’s love child”? “Sumo Queen”? “NERDZILLA”? “The Michelin
Woman”? Come on, you two had put a bottle of Head & Shoulders in my desk labeled “take the hint” on it and you two
hung my big old underwear on the flagpole!
(Velvet and Scarlett’s jaws dropped and they both
looked shocked)
VELVET & SCARLETT
(SCREAMING AT THE
SAME TIME)
YOU’RE FATTY RICE QUEEN!
ALISON SWIFT
Guilty! Oh, you don’t remember my name,
but you remember I’m half-Japanese. At least you’re not quite the idiots I
remembered you being!
SCARLETT
How did you lose the weight? Was it The South Beach Diet because I tried it and I
didn’t lose a single pound!
ALISON SWIFT
No, just a simple healthy diet and
exercise helped me lose 460lbs. In a way, you two bullying me all through high
school inspired me to do it! You two were such great motivation to make me
realize that I have what it takes to be better than you!
VELVET
That’s not fair! You grew up to be
hotter than me…I mean, we’re sorry for bullying you all those years. We didn’t
know what a success you would become!
ALISON SWIFT
These words coming from a former porn
star that got kicked off the cheerleading squad for smoking pot during a
football game!
SCARLETT
(Pointing to Alison Swift while
defending her friend Velvet)
You smoked pot, too! Fatty Rice Queen!
ALSION SWIFT
Yes, I did, for one, because you were
always bullying me. And two, I needed to mellow out. The only reason I was
never busted for it is because in your words “I wasn’t hot enough to be a
cheerleader” so there was no need for me to do it in public! When I think about
it now, I never wanted to be a cheerleader anyway! You were all idiots!
VELVET
You’re not all that smart!
ALISON SWIFT
Okay math whiz! Here’s some math for
you! You’re 31 and I’m 24 which means I’m 7 years younger than you. I was so
advanced that I was doing high school classes when I was 8 years old!! For
god’s sake being ugly made me work harder! Now that I’m beautiful, I don’t take
that for granted! I mean think about it, you did it with anything that moves,
while I waited to get a nice boyfriend!
VELVET
You have a boyfriend! WHO?
ALISON SWIFT
Michael Cera! That’s right I’m dating a movie star!
(Velvet and Scarlett
begin to laugh)
VELVET
It would seem like you to end up with
a nerd in the end!
ALISON SWIFT
You two don’t get it, do you! I’m
actually happy now! I learned not to judge people based on their looks! Unlike
you, where you ended up as a porn star working at a Banana Republic and you ended
up working at a Red Lobster with three kids. I became an Oscar and Grammy
winning millionaire with enough money to buy a 50% stake in both Red Lobster
and Banana Republic. So guess what that means? I’m your bosses’ bosses’ boss!
That’s coming from a girl you two considered would become the world’s fattest
woman by 2015 and who would also marry Quasimodo!
VELVET
Look who’s calling the kettle black?
ALISON SWIFT
You think I’ve become you! I’ll never
be you Velvet! EVER!
(Alison Swift looks at her watch)
ALISON SWIFT
Oh, it’s time for me to go! My private
jet has arrived and I’m headed to the recording studio to make my latest album!
This triple platinum-selling artist has to leave this dump because unlike
you two idiots, I actually have a life outside of this place! LATER HATERS!
(Alison Swift begins to walk away
but before she goes she pauses and stares at Scarlett)
ALISON SWIFT
Oh, I forgot, Scarlett! Since I’m not
a bitch like you two, and even though I hate you both, with all my being, I forgot
to give your daughter my autograph. Unlike you two, I care about people! So
what’s your daughter’s name, Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Her name is Velvet?
(Alison
Swift pulls out a headshot of herself and signs it and she gives it to
Scarlett)
ALISON SWIFT
Sorry I don’t have time for that
selfie, too! But I really have to go! LATER HATERS!
(Alison Swift exits the scene and Scarlett looks at
her autograph)
SCARLETT
WOW! Mother of the year right here!
Velvet you have to read what she wrote!
VELVET
(PISSED OFF)
What? Did she say “that I’m better
than you in every way”?
SCARLETT
No! She said, “To Velvet I knew you’re
mother in high school and she loves you very much”. Ha, she thinks we’re idiots.
I got a free autograph of my daughter’s hero. I heard her autograph sells for $80
on eBay! What a sucker!
VELVET
Yeah, I probably have more fans than
her too! We’re totally better than her! Come on Scarlett! Let’s go talk to Jack
Billson, he was so cool!
SCARLETT
Oh didn’t you hear about Jack, he’s
gay!
VELVET
Jack’s gay! The linebacker of the
football team! Damn I wanted to do it with him tonight!
SCARLETT
Actually, Jack has a husband!
VELVET
Who is Jack’s husband?
SCARLETT
Brad!
VELVET
BRAD! AS IN YOUR EX-HUSBAND!
SCARLETT
Yeah, my kids love their two dads!
VELVET
WOW! I’m glad I came this year! A
lot’s been going on! It was nice to see you, Scarlett!
SCARLETT
You two Velvet! Hey Velvet!
VELVET
What?
SCARLETT
I wanted to get your autograph to give
to my son! He’s your biggest fan!
VELVET
Can I see a picture of your son?
SCARLETT
WHY?
VELVET
I’m willing to give him more than an autograph!
After tonight, your son might become a legend in high school himself!
(Blackout.)
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