(In
Sleeping Beauty’s bedroom, Oscar the janitor is sweeping up)
(Oscar pauses
looks over Sleeping Beauty, then makes a little grin)
(Oscar kisses Sleeping Beauty while she’s still in
bed)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(YAWNING)
Oh man, how long was I
out?
OSCAR
About six months, you’re
the record holder!
(Sleeping
Beauty pauses and takes a look at the not so attractive Oscar)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(CONFUSED)
So…I was cursed to be in
an eternal sleep and only true love’s kiss can wake me up, right?
OSCAR
I guess!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(STILL CONFUSED)
So…where’s the handsome
prince that broke the curse?
OSCAR
You’re looking at him! And
boy did I win the lottery!
(Sleeping
Beauty pauses and she begins to scream)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(SCREAMING ANGRILY)
OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS!
OSCAR
I get a big prize? Money?
A PUPPY MAYBE?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(SCREAMING ANGRILY)
NO YOU FAT UGLY IDIOT! IT
MEANS FATE DECIDED, FOR SOME STUPID REASON, YOU’RE MY TRUE LOVE AND I HAVE TO
MARRY YOU!
OSCAR
So…does this mean I still
get a puppy?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(SCREAMING ANGRILY)
SERIOUSLY WHY LORD! WHY
HIM!
OSCAR
Hey I’m a pretty good
catch! I can make any lady real happy!
(Sleeping
Beauty begins to calm down a little and sighs)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
You don’t get what’s going
on here do you?
OSCAR
So…no puppy I guess?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Why did you kiss me while
I was sleeping anyway? Let’s get that out of the way first!
OSCAR
Well, I heard the story. You
know someone kisses the princess and it breaks the curse. Figured I do a good
deed and see if I could wake you up. If it’s anything like the Sword In The
Stone story I guess I become king or something too, right! Oh, and I want an
awesome samurai sword too! In addition, maybe I could get Thanos’s Infinity Gauntlet too! That would make me so
cool!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
You don’t pull a sword out of a stone
here to become king! You have to marry me, you stupid fat ass!
OSCAR
OKAY! Time out! Why are you rushing
into marriage here! I barely even know you! WAIT! Did we go to high school
together and were you that girl who…
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I barely even know you too! But you do
seem familiar for some odd reason! But why would I marry you? I mean look at
me! And look at you!
OSCAR
(CRYING)
I have feelings you know? And by the
way! I just kissed you while you were sleeping! There are worse things I could
have done to you other than kissing you. Plus, I thought you wouldn’t wake up!
Just so you know, I was not the first guy to go up and kiss you while you were
sleeping.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(CONFUSED)
WAIT! Other people besides you kissed
me while I was in my eternal sleep! How many guys are we talking here?
OSCAR
While you were out six months…and if
I’m correct, 50 other guys kissed you before I did. Even one woman came by and
kissed you. But hey, at least we know
what team you’re rooting for!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
50 guys! And you were the winner!
(Oscar begins to
laugh)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(ANGRILY)
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
OSCAR
(GIGGLING)
Man, fate screwed you, huh! Well how
about this? Since we obviously don’t love each other and this is probably a
fluke, I’ll make a little deal with you!
(Sleeping
Beauty pauses while rubbing her chin)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What kind of deal?
OSCAR
I used to be Prince Charming’s
bodyguard before I was laid off due to budget cuts. He’s my best friend! You
look like his type and he’s single! I will notify him to come at once! As soon
as he gets here, I’ll explain what happened and we will make it look like he
kissed you! You get a prince to marry! You’ll give me 51 bucks because I’m like
the 51st guy who kissed you. I think that’s fair! You’ll live
happily ever after! Everybody wins!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
So…is he cute?
OSCAR
See for yourself!
(Oscar
pulls out his wallet and hands Sleeping Beauty a picture of Prince Charming)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
This is a picture of Prince Charming!
He’s kind of cute! And you’re sure he’s single?
OSCAR
Yes!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Is he also a virgin?
(Oscar
pauses feeling like it’s an awkward moment and Sleeping Beauty stares at him)
OSCAR
Why would you ask such a thing?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Well! What I mean is did he have a
relationship before me! Like a girlfriend!
OSCAR
He has a bunch of ex wives! Do you
know Cinderella? Does Snow White ring a bell? He has been married to a lot of
celebrities! Can’t believe you haven’t heard of him before!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
So! How is he a good match for me? If
he’s been divorced twice, what would make me different from the ex-wives?
OSCAR
Well…he has a third ex wife! My little
sister, Rapunzel! I told her not to rush into
marriage but hey, young love, you know! But even though my sister isn’t married
to him anymore, I still think he was the coolest brother-in-law ever!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
WAIT! You said Rapunzel’s your little
sister?
OSCAR
HELLO! WHERE DID YOU THINK I GET MY
LONG HAIR FROM? DAMN GENETICS! Trust me my barber is a probably a billionaire
for just having me as a customer!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I thought you were just his
bodyguard?
OSCAR
I got that job because he was married
to my little sister! Big whoop! We made the deal here! It’s done deal! Now I
need to write a letter before the post office closes and I also need to find a
picture of you as well so…
SLEEPING BEAUTY
So what you’re saying is that you’ve
been a prince this whole time! Why are you working as my janitor!
OSCAR
I guess two reasons! My kingdom’s
been in an economic
depression for two years and I’m also the black sheep of my family. They cut my
royal allowance off! Basically my life sucks!
(Sleeping Beauty stares lovingly into his eyes)
OSCAR
Princess! HELLO!
(Oscar
snaps his fingers, Oscar pauses, and Oscar claps his hands in front of Sleeping
Beauty’s face)
(Sleeping Beauty is behaving normally again)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What! Sorry, got off track there!
Anyway, write a letter to Prince Charming and I’ll go back to pretending I’m
asleep! Now go!
OSCAR
All right, as you wish princess! I’ll
put in a good word for ya! You’ll love Prince Charming, you won’t regret
marrying him! He’s my bro! Oh and before you go back to bed, I just wanted to
say if you ever need me just yell OSCAR ROMOPE and I’ll show up to help you
with whatever you need! Well, see you later alligator!
(Oscar
exits the room and Sleeping Beauty pauses to think for a bit)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oscar Romope, why does that name
sounds familiar…
(Sleeping
Beauty snaps her fingers)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oh yeah, now I remember, we dated in
high school. Man, he really let himself
go! I guess he was my true love after all! Wish I didn’t break up with him back
in high school! Oh well, can’t change the past! Now back to sleep for this
beauty and soon my handsome prince will arrive in the morning! Now…where did I
put my Quaalude?
(Blackout)
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