(The
Hollywood Office of Mr. Zipay’s Talent Agency)
(Mr.
Zipay’s sitting at his desk in his office while Claire Jinx is sitting across
from him)
MR. ZIPAY
(WHILE SMOKING A
CIGAR)
Claire Jinx, my newest and
hottest star client. Help me out here Claire, I found a wonderful part for you
and you turned it down, why?
CLAIRE JINX
Because, in all of the
movies you want me to audition for lately Mr. Zipay, it’s just the girlfriend
of the lead or hey there’s that eye candy again! I want a challenge Mr. Zipay!
Before I came to Hollywood, I starred in Shakespearean productions and now you want me to
star in a comedy called “Fartknockers 5”. Do you know how demeaning that is for
an actress of my skillset?
MR. ZIPAY
Claire
okay, you’re young and beautiful, enjoy this while you can because after you
turn 30, your career’s pretty much over. But seriously “Fartknockers 5” is
offering you 20 million dollars. That’s a lot of money to just look and act
pretty!
CLAIRE JINX
I
don’t need to sell out Mr. Zipay! Plus I read her part and she’s basically just
treated like a sex object by Johnny Fartknocker throughout the movie. I only
have three whole lines in the entire movie! Also, why should I get roles based
on my looks alone?
MR.
ZIPAY
Your
looks help, damn it! Plus, I reviewed that script you wanted to audition for,
you know, “The Calling”. That part is for a dude, right?
CLAIRE JINX
Yes,
but when I read the part I thought the writer might be able to rewrite the
character as a woman. I mean the character as a whole is pretty neutral so it
wouldn’t change the plot that much to rewrite him as a her. The audience will
still get the same reaction to the story.
MR. ZIPAY
But,
listen to me closely Claire, this movie smells like a flop, and you just
starred in a string of successful romantic comedies. I know if you star in this
movie it’ll kill your career. But here’s a compromise, the part you want in
“The Calling” is a doctor right, how about I cast you in the “Sexy Nurses” movie,
huh?
CLAIRE JINX
Isn’t
“Sexy Nurses” a pornographic film?
MR. ZIPAY
No,
it’s an art piece about two sexy nurses who…alright, I’ll be honest is
basically another generic action/comedy about a man who’s a police officer by
day and at night…he’s a porn star! It’s based on a true story! And Adam Sandler is playing the
porn star cop and you’ll be a shoe in for the part of Sexy Nurse #2.
CLAIRE JINX
(ANNOYED TONE)
No, I hate Adam Sandler! He hasn’t
done anything funny since the 90’s! Now, please can I just try out for that
part in “The Calling”?
MR. ZIPAY
Wait, how about this script! It’s
perfect for you! And the only thing you have to do is wear a bikini and jog.
And that movie is called “SHARK SUMMER”. It’s about a frat boy shark who…
CLAIRE
JINX
(ANNOYED TONE)
Wait, you mean all I do in the whole
movie is wear a bikini and jog?
MR. ZIPAY
Yeah, and then frat boy shark sees you
and says, ‘DAMN SHE’S FINE’…okay I’ll be honest with you again, there is no
movie called “SHARK SUMMER”, it’s just an ad for Carl's Jr. You like hamburgers,
right?
CLAIRE JINX
(OFFENDED TONE)
I’m a vegan!
MR. ZIPAY
And
I can’t eat pork! It’s acting baby! Acting is lying, so do you want the part or
not!
CLAIRE JINX
I
heard the local theater down the street is doing a production of Shakespeare’s “A
Midsummer Night's Dream” and I know that play by heart. Plus, it’ll show my
fans that I’m more than just eye candy. I want to go back to my roots to the
time before I became famous for those dull romantic comedies and that one movie
where I played the girlfriend of some heartthrob mummy.
MR. ZIPAY
Oh that
reminds me! “MUMMY BRO 2: THE AWAKENING OF PHARAOH” is
filming tomorrow and they need you to reprise your role.
CLAIRE JINX
But didn’t
my character die in the first movie?
MR. ZIPAY
Yeah, but
now your character comes back to life as an alligator and you and Mummy Bro’s
new girlfriend fight for his heart!
CLAIRE JINX
Why is she
an alligator now? These movies don’t make any sense!
MR. ZIPAY (WHILE LIGHTING UP
ANOTHER CIGAR)
Basically,
because people love Mummy Bro’s catchphrase “See You Later Alligator” and now
you come back as an alligator, so he sees you later as an alligator. DAMN THESE
YOUNG WRITERS ARE BRILLIANT, THE MUMMY BRO SERIES IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT
TWLIGHT!
CLAIRE JINX
Look, how
about we do another compromise. I’ll star in that stupid “MUMMY BRO 2: THE
AWAKENING OF PHARAOH” if
you let me audition for the parts I want in “The Calling” and that local
production of “A Midsummer Night's Dream”…
MR. ZIPAY
Only if you
also star in “Sexy
Nurses” too!
CLAIRE JINX
Fine…you
have a deal!
(Claire Jinx and Mr. Zipay shake hands and Mr.
Zipay takes another huff from his cigar)
MR. ZIPAY
Great!
Oh, before I forget, you’re a guest tonight on The Late Show with
Stephen Colbert. I’ll have a limo pick you up at around 7!
CLAIRE JINX
Good, now I
can promote my new album!
MR. ZIPAY
(WHILE SMOKING A
CIGAR WHILE ALSO LEANING BACK ON HIS CHAIR)
Sure,
whatever…
CLAIRE JINX
And I can
also use this guest gig to come out of the closet to all of my fans as well!
MR. ZIPAY
(FREAKING OUT)
WAIT WHAT!
(Blackout.)
No comments:
Post a Comment