(In Hollywood, at a huge mansion, John
Travolta & Tom Cruise are having A GAME NIGHT)
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Oh my god! My first game night! With my best friend! OH MY GOD, OH MY
GOD! YOU KNOW?
TOM CRUISE
For the last time! I’m not your best friend and the only reason we’re
hanging out together is that nobody likes us!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Yeah, Scientology kind of turns people off, you know? OH MY GOD, OH MY
GOD! What should we play? I brought Battleship, Mouse Trap, Trivial Pursuit,
The Battlefield Earth Game…
TOM CRUISE
What in the hell is the Battlefield Earth game?
JOHN TRAVOLTA
OH MY GOD! It’s the best game ever! It goes like this! You make a
bunch of crappy movies, then one hit movie that leads to other hit movies! Then you land on the Battlefield Earth
space…you lose money…it’s kinda like Monopoly, but it’s based on a real story!
TOM CRUISE
YEAH! How about we just play Yahtzee?
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Yeah, Yahtzee’s cool, like Scientology. Why isn’t Scientology more
like mainstream you know?
TOM CRUISE
Well, the peasants think it’s a bit of a cult!
JOHN
TRAVOLTA
Like a pony or that football team?
TOM
CRUISE
You don’t know what a cult is, do you? Wow, the brainwashing really
worked on you!
JOHN
TRAVOLTA
Yeah, plus I didn’t have much of a brain to begin with and it was the
70’s, lot a drugs too. OH MY GOD! YOU KNOW WHO I MISS A WHOLE AWFUL LOT…LEAH REMINI! I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN YEARS! OH MY GOD YOU KNOW!
TOM CRUISE
SHE IS NOT TO BE MENTIONED AGAIN!
DO YOU HEAR ME, JOHN? DON’T MAKE ME REPORT YOU TO THE ELDERS!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Okay, but I’m still going to miss
her and her cookies with the smiley faces…
TOM CRUISE
OH YEAH, I loved Leah’s smiley
face cookies too…but again, lets try to play this stupid game, John!
(John
Travolta jumps up after hearing a beeping noise and John Travolta looks scared)
JOHN TRAVOLTA
TOM…DID TOU HEAR THAT…I THINK IT
WAS XENU…CHECK UNDER THE BED, TOM!
TOM CRUISE
That was the microwave, John, I
think the popcorn’s done! Would you like it in your Shrek bowel again?
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Does a Psychlo shit in a
spaceship? Yeah, I wouldlove some
popcorn in my Shrek bowel! Can I have my Sippy cup too, Tom? I don’t want to
make spills again!
(Tom
Cruise sighs and heads to the kitchen to get the popcorn and John Travolta
jumps up and down with joy)
JOHN TRAVOLTA
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, PUT IN IT
THE SHREK BOWEL! SHREK SCARES AWAY XENU! HEY PAPA TOM! LIKE, WHEN DO WE GET
LIGHTSABERS?
(Tom
Cruise reenters the room while holding a bowel of popcorn)
TOM CRUISE
For the last time John we’re Scientologists, not Jedi!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Oh, no
wonder the Jedi’s movies are better! When do we get to inhale the Terrigen
Mist and get superpowers?
TOM CRUISE
Again, we’re Scientologists, not The Inhumans, John!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
BUT I
REALLY WANTED TO FIGHT THE FANTASTIC FOUR! So what do Scientologists do anyway?
TOM CRUISE
Take
money from stupid people for believing in some sci-fi writer’s bullshit!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Oh
yeah, but we’re not that stupid are we, Papa Tom?
TOM CRUISE
NAH!
I’M AWESOME! But you…
JOHN TRAVOLTA
But I’m
what?
TOM CRUISE
(YELLING)
Nothing…let’s
just play some damn Yahtzee already!
JOHN
TRAVOLTA
I love you Tom!
TOM CRUISE
FUCK OFF JOHN!
(John Travolta looks at his watch and
then stares at Tom Cruise)
JOHN TRAVOLTA
Welcome Back, Kotter is on at five o’clock and if we watch it, I get
money! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
TOM CRUISE
Don’t you mean, OH MY L. RON HUBBARD? THERE IS NO GOD! ONLY L. RON
HUBBARD!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
I know that! But I only say OH MY GOD a lot because I don’t know
many…what do you call them? WORDS! YAHTZEE!
TOM CRUISE
We’ve haven’t even started playing yet!
JOHN TRAVOLTA
I know! I JUST LIKE SAYING YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! OH MY GOD! YAHTZEE! OH MY
GOD! YAHTZEE! YAHTZEE! OH MY GOD! Welcome Back, Kotter!
TOM CRUISE
(SIGHING)
You’re worse than Rain Man!
JOHN
TRAVOLTA
I didn’t see that movie! Was he in the X-Men or something?
TOM CRUISE
JUST ROLL!
(Blackout.)
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