One Man Gang Opening Monologue (IO Class Project)

Open on the One Man Gang walking down the steps and taking his
place at home base.

                    ONE MAN GANG
          Hooooooooooo! Thank you and

          welcome to Saturday Night Live
          hosted by me! The One Man Gang!
          You’ve seen Hulk Hogan host,
          you’ve seen The Rock host, you’ve
          even seen John Cena host, but you
          have never seen a show hosted by
          the One Man Gang! Hooooooo! Due to
          my size, people think I’m pretty
          scary, but honestly I have good
          heart. This coming from one of the
          biggest heels in the history of
          WWE. Wow, biggest heels in WWE
          history. I still can’t believe I
          get to say that. When I was this
          high, all I wanted to be when I
          grew up was a professional
          wrestler. There are not many
          people who can say that they lived
          their dreams. I wrestled in arenas
          all across the country and even
          around the world. But you know
          what scares me more than any
          opponent I faced in the ring?
          Hosting Saturday Night Live! Find
          it funny a big, scary guy like
          me’s afraid of hosting? Well, they
          asked me to host and being the guy
          I am, of course, I said yes. I am
          always willing to try new things.
          Plus, I’m retired. I don’t have
          much to do other than going to
          WrestleCon every year and sign
          autographs. In fact, I signed a
          few autographs before this show. A
          lot of the boys in the back are
          fans. I respect my fans.

Pete Davidson walks out on stage and the One Man Gang stares
at him.

                    ONE MAN GANG
          Pete! What are you doing

here, punk?

                    PETE DAVIDSON
          I was wondering if I could ask

          you something?

          ONE MAN GANG
Of course you can have my

autograph little boy.

          PETE DAVIDSON
No, I don’t want you’re autograph.

I want to join your gang.

          ONE MAN GANG
You want to join my gang, punk?

Uh, yeah!

PETE DAVIDSON

                    ONE MAN GANG
          My gang only has one member and

          you’re looking at him!

                    PETE DAVIDSON
          Oh, I get it that’s why you’re

          called the One Man Gang.

                    ONE MAN GANG
          That and also this...

One Man Gang slaps Pete Davidson in the face leaving Pete
Davidson rubbing his face.

                    PETE DAVIDSON
          Why the hell did you slap me?

                    ONE MAN GANG
          I’m a punk slapper and you’re a

          punk! Now get off this stage punk!

Pete Davidson exits and the One Man Gang gets in a
fighting stance.

                    ONE MAN GANG
          Pete wasn’t actually a punk, but

          the writers wanted me to slap him
          because he took the last slice of
          pizza in the break room. Little do
          those writer punks know, it was me
          who took the last slice of pizza.
          A big man like me has to eat. Now
          where was I? Years of wrestling
          and taking bumps to the head kind
          of makes you forget things. Oh
          yeah. I don’t like being the bad
          guy, but ,damn, I would not be
          lying if I said it’s fun being
          bad. Again, I lived my childhood
          dream of being a professional
          wrestler. With Hulk Hogan’s help, I traveled

the world and sold out arenas.
Like that son of a bitch needs
more credit. Now, as you can see,
I’m a bit of a rambling man, but
again it’s because I’m nervous. I
have to be tuff.  I am nervous
because I have never done
something like this and Leslie
Jones scares me more than anyone I
faced in the ring. Seriously, she
will kick my butt. I don’t need to
say we have a great show tonight
because I KNOW we have a great
show tonight. Taylor Swift is
here. We’ll be right back!