(Chuck
stands behind his hot dog stand)
CHUCK
(TO
HIMSELF)
Gee, it’s been a slow business
day so far…
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE CROWD)
It’s been a shitty sketch
so far too!
(Chuck
ignores Lloyd and clears his throat)
CHUCK
(SHOUTING)
Get your hot dogs here,
the finest hot dogs Chicago has to
offer!
(Henry
walks up to stand)
CHUCK
Hello. Welcome to Chuck’s
Hot Dog Stand! What would you like to order?
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE CROWD)
A hot dog, stupid!
(Chuck
and Henry ignore Lloyd and Henry coughs a little then begins saying his line)
HENRY
Yes, I would like a hot
dog with ketchup please and a Root Beer.
CHUCK
(OFFENDED)
How dare you! You’re in
Chicago! We never put ketchup on our hot dogs!
HENRY
(AWKWARD)
Sorry, but I’m from Texas.
I didn’t mean to offend you and…
CHUCK
So you’ve never had a true
Chicago hot dog, eh? Well, good sir, I serve the finest hotdogs in the whole
city.
HENRY
But I saw a stand five
blocks away that said they had the greatest hotdogs in Chicago.
CHUCK
Buddy, those bastards will
probably say they make a mighty mean deep-dish pizza too. But…
HENRY
Yuck, I hate deep-dish
pizza. Next, I bet you want me to eat an Italian beef sandwich!
CHUCK
Look Texan, I’m trying to
be nice here because I need customers today. But if you say that deep-dish
pizza is just as shitty as your damn Houston Astros…
HENRY
At least they’re not as
bad as the Chicago Cubs!
CHUCK
That’s fighting words pal! Why I outta…
LLYOD
(YELLING)
Boo, I didn’t pay good money to see two idiots
fight! Do something funny!
(Chuck actually feels
a little annoyed and Henry is waiting for his cue with a worried look)
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE CROWD)
What the fuck are we
watching, here! You guys suck!
SUSAN
(YELLING AT LLOYD)
Lloyd! Stop it!
(Chuck
then snaps and looks directly into the crowd)
CHUCK
(YELLING)
Hey you two! Keep quiet,
so we can continue the show!
HENRY
(NERVOUS)
Dude, calm down! Don’t let
him get to you!
CHUCK
(YELLING)
Wait a minute! Lloyd is
that you?
LLOYD
(YELLING)
Damn right, it’s me!
HENRY
Wait, you know this guy?
(Henry
realizes the audience is confused and he turns around and faces them)
HENRY
(TO THE AUDIENCE)
Oh, sorry folks. We’re not
performing right now. This is not a part of the show. It appears there’s a
heckler in the crowd and he’s upsetting my friend here…uh…let’s do some improv
games. Guys get out here!
CHUCK
No, hold off the improv games
for a second. Lloyd, why do you keep coming to my shows and ruining them?
LLYOD
(YELLING)
Why do you keep sucking so
much?
CHUCK
(YELLING)
It’s not my fault! I’m
just working with a shitty script.
HENRY
(SAD)
You think my script sucks?
(Chuck
notices Henry is sad and pats him on the back)
CHUCK
Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean it like that. You’re a great writer and…
HENRY
(CRYING)
Fuck this man!
(Henry
flees the scene crying and Lloyd is laughing hysterically)
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE
CROWD)
Now this is a show!
CHUCK
(TO THE AUDIENCE)
Okay folks. You paid good
money to see this show and now we’re going to do some improv games. Also, for
your troubles, you are all going to receive free tickets to an upcoming show of
your choice at Second City!
SUSAN
(YELLING FROM THE
CROWD)
Wait, before you start the
improv games! I want my husband to come up on stage and apologize to you and
the audience.
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE
CROWD)
Why the hell should I
apologize, Susan? I just scored the whole crowd free tickets to another show at
this shithole! Am I right, guys?
CHUCK
(TALKING FROM THE STAGE
TO SUSAN)
Actually miss, if we could
just continue the show…
LLOYD
(YELLING TO CHUCK FROM
THE CROWD)
Hey buddy, I’m talking with
my wife, here! Just ignore us and do your damn show!
CHUCK
(YELLING)
You know what! Security!
Get these two out of here!
LLOYD
(YELLING FROM THE CROWD)
Look, you don’t have to
call security because we’re leaving. Come on Susan!
(Lloyd
and Susan exit the theater and Henry renters the scene)
HENRY
What’s your relationship
with Lloyd again?
CHUCK
Lloyd was my old college
roommate. He’s just jealous of my success as a comedian. Now, let’s get on with
the show! ARE YOU READY FOLKS?
HENRY
Actually, the director is
calling for the intermission. So we have to get off the stage!
CHUCK
Okay! We’ll be back in 10
minutes folks! Later!
(Chuck
and Henry walk behind the curtain)
(Blackout.)
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