(Michael
and Jordan are at the beach and Jordan is holding a net)
MICHAEL
(DAZED AND CONFUSED)
Hey, why are we going to
the beach anyway?
JORDAN
(STONED)
Well, we are going to try
to catch a Giant squid and sell it for
money.
MICHAEL
(WHINY)
But
this is our only day off, and we only get one day off a year, man!
JORDAN
Dude,
you do know we’re self-employed, right? We can have a day off whenever we want
stupid.
MICHAEL
Also,
if we build robots for living, why are we trying to catch Giant squid anyway?
(Jordan is lifting a trashcan up and looks
underneath it and places it back down)
JORDAN
Look,
obviously the guy who’s writing this sketch has writer’s block and is just
using an old short story he had written before. Oh, right, probably shouldn’t
break the fourth wall, huh?
MICHAEL
(STONED)
We’re
like Deadpool right now! I’m scared man!
JORDAN
Basically,
we need the money because we have to pay back the Japanese mafia for failing to
properly make working gangster robots for their dealings. I think a Giant squid
would be worth about $5,001. But we could turn the squid into a robot and use
it to take down the Japanese mafia. God, wow, this sketch is bombing, bro!
MICHAEL
(CONFUSED)
I
know bro, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? This sketch is sounding
pretty lame so far!
JORDAN
(IN A BRITISH ACCENT)
But
doesn’t this sketch seem a little like Monty Python. You know how the
randomness makes it funny even though it sucks and makes no sense.
MICHAEL
(SCREAMING)
Where
are you hiding the good weed, man? Maybe if we get higher, we can be funnier. Where’s
the good weed, man?
JORDAN
Behind
the fringe the next to the pizza from that…wait a minute, we need to find that
Giant squid! That’s our goal in this sketch, man! Look for the Giant squid!
Think character objectives!
MICHAEL
Also,
aren’t Giant squids a myth like dragons, unicorns, Donald Trump, and Narnia?
(Jordan lights up a joint and begins smoking it
while staring blankly at the ocean)
JORDAN
(WHILE TAKING A PUFF
FROM A JOINT)
Well,
I know Giant squids are real! But as for dragons and Donald Trump, I don’t
know! But a Giant squid was recently discovered and…
(Jordan passes Michael the joint and Michael takes a
puff of it)
MICHAEL
(WHILE TAKING A PUFF
FROM THE JOINT)
Wait!
What you’re saying is someone has already found a Giant squid? That means someone else already claimed the
reward money!
JORDAN
(STONED)
Well,
our supervisor, Dr. Wily ordered us to find a Giant squid. He wants us to make it into a robot to take
over the world and…
MICHAEL
(YELLING)
Mega
Man!
JORDAN
(CONFUSED)
What?
MICHAEL
Mega
Man! You know that video game from the
80’s. Dr. Wily was the bad guy from that
video game a.k.a., not real. Plus, you said we were self-employed, so why would
we have a supervisor?
JORDAN
Look,
we need to get a Giant squid, okay? We can make it into a huge robot and use it
to take down the Japanese mafia.
MICHAEL
(STONED)
Dude,
I totally want some seafood right now. All this squid talk is making me want Calamari. Dude, if we catch the squid, screw using it to destroy the
Japanese mafia, I just want to eat it!
JORDAN
When you put it like that…wait a
minute, no, they’ll break our legs man. Come on we have to turn the squid into
a robot. Think about it, our own robot Giant squid bodyguard. Doesn’t that
sound awesome?
MICHAEL
It’s only awesome if we get to name it
Bubbles!
JORDAN
Fine, let’s head to the boat, shall
we?
MICHAEL
We have a boat?
JORDAN
Actually it’s my uncle’s boat. But he
said we can have it for the weekend. I filled with all the beer we can drink
and all the weed we can smoke.
MICHAEL
OH YEAH! Hendrix-style living on the seven seas!
Can’t wait! Also, when’s the welfare check coming?
JORDAN
Tuesday,
now let’s get on that boat!
(Flash forward to Jordan driving the motorboat while
Michael is lying back smoking a joint)
MICHAEL
(STONED)
Do
you think Microsoft will buy our company? I think those guys will buy anything.
We do make kick ass robots, bro.
JORDAN
Well,
I have Bill Gates on speed dial back at the lab. I have discussed a merger between
our company and Microsoft. We can sell off our business to him and retire in
Hawaii, dude!
MICHAEL
(HOPEFUL)
Really?
JORDAN
Nah
man, I’m screwing with ya! But, someday Bill Gates will see that the Pizza-Bot
is the greatest robot ever made by mankind. Plus, we started that Kickstarter remember?
You know, to make a robot version of Jim Morrison!
MICHAEL
Oh,
how is our “Project Robot Jim Morrison” Kickstarter doing?
JORDAN
Well,
we made five dollars and have given away one t-shirt. But don’t lose hope. We’ll
be rocking soon!
MICHAEL
(MOANING)
Also,
I heard that more people were funding that Asian kid’s Kickstarter to make a
robot version of James Hetfield!
JORDAN
(ANNOYED)
People are stupid! Metallica totally
sucks! The Doors are way better! But, don’t worry we’ll get the money from
Kickstarter, and then we’ll have a good reason to keep sitting on our asses!
MICHAEL
Totally!
Want another beer, bro?
JORDAN
Does
a Giant squid shit in the ocean!
MICHAEL
Giant
squids poop?
JORDAN
Everybody
poops, dude. Now throw me that beer!
(But before Michael could give Jordan a beer, the
boat begins to shake)
MICHAEL
(SCREAMING)
Hey
man, what’s that?
JORDAN
(SCREAMING)
I
think we’ve angered Donald Trump, man! Or we finally found the Giant squid!
MICHAEL
(SCREAMING)
OH
MY GOD! THE WATER’S TURNING ORANGE AND HAIRY!
(Blackout.)
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