(In
a conference room at a local public access TV station studio)
(Priest
Frollo is standing up next to a whiteboard with a marker in hand, while all the
other writers are sitting around the conference room table)
PRIEST FROLLO
Ladies and gentlemen, we
have just finished our first episode of “Public Access 7 Sketch Review”. The
network heads just renewed us for a second episode, so now we, the comedy writers,
have to write the best sketch to open our second episode. May the lord guide us
in the quest for great comedy! Now, do you people have any ideas?
(Gilligan Denver
raises his hand)
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE POINTING TO
GILLIGAN DENVER)
Yes, Mr. Gilligan Denver. Do you have
an idea to offer?
GILLIGAN DENVER
I don’t know anything about comedy
writing! This is my third job after working as a janitor at the Pizza Brothers
Chinese/Pizza Place. But a better question… why is a freaking priest writing
comedy?
PRIEST FROLLO
The lord works in mysterious ways, my
son! Now, do you have any ideas for new comedy sketches?
GILLIGAN DENVER
Are you even listening to me? I have
never performed comedy in my life! I delivered a pizza here to this TV station
once and they wouldn’t let me leave! (YELLING) I hate my life, hate my job and
I want to die!
JORDAN
Dude, you have pizza!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(POINTING TO JORDAN)
And you smell like marijuana!
JORDAN
You have weed too! Where have you been
my whole life man?
(Jordan hugs Gilligan Denver and Gilligan pushes him
away)
NANCY
Excuse me! I ran out of paper for my
typewriter? Do we have any more paper?
(Nancy snaps her fingers and makes a farting noise
with her mouth)
VELVET
Wow Nerdy Nancy! Ever head of a laptop
much!
JORDAN
Leave Nancy alone, Velvet! I think she
should use a typewriter! Before I joined the comedy world, I used to build
robots for a living! Let’s just say before we know it, your laptop will soon be
typing on you, sister! I blew your mind! Robots are taking over!
FELICITY
Seriously people, let’s
get back to writing a sketch here, but one with strong female characters! For
God’s sake, between quirky Nancy and porn star Velvet,
we have enough strong, powerful female characters here in real life!
GILLIGAN DENVER
Look who’s talking Felicity, I mean an
evil, witch, princess super villain! Now, that’s realistic and empowering! Do
you hear yourself talk? You think we’re damn idiots!
(Nancy begins barking like a dog for no reason while
Priest Frollo is sniffing his marker)
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE SNIFFING HIS
MARKER)
Now, back to the task at hand! Let’s
write a list of ten! Now, you all say one scene setting and I’ll write it down!
Let’s start!
JORDAN
7-Eleven!
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE WRITING ON THE
WHITE BOARD)
Good Jordan!
JORDAN
No! Like I have a wicked case of the
munchies and could we do a 7-Eleven run?
VELVET
A movie studio!
FELICITY
Like you’ve ever been to one before,
Velvet!
VELVET
Whatever Felicity! I’m like a movie
star!
FELICITY
Porn doesn’t count Velvet!
NANCY
A yarn store! I also work at one on
the side. Plus, my cats and I could use some friends…I mean customers!
(Nancy screams “whoop-poop” while Priest Frollo
writes down yarn store on the whiteboard)
PRIEST FROLLO
Gilligan, you haven’t said anything
yet! We need a setting!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(YELLING)
How about hell, Father Frollo! I’ll
see you there tomorrow! Because I think tonight’s the night! I can’t take this
crap anymore!
PRIEST FROLLO!
That’s not funny Mr. Denver!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(YELLING)
I’m not being funny! I’m pissed off
over here! Being here with you and the rest of these jerks makes me want to
leave this hellhole even more! Aw screw it, how about a video store!
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE WRITING ON THE
WHITEBOARD)
Nice! Come on people we need 10 more
ideas here!
FELICITY
How about a candy store!
JORDAN
(SHOUTS WITH
JOY)
Wait there’s candy too! I love this
place!
FELICITY
Oh, how about a workplace that pays
men and women equally!
GILLIAN DENVER
So basically a fairy tale kingdom, eh
Felicity!
FELICITY
If I weren’t the ruler of an actual
fairy tale kingdom, I would be pretty pissed at you right now! (TO HERSELF)
Note to self, put a curse on Gillian Denver!
VELVET
A strip club!
PRIEST FROLLO
Well, Miss Velvet. We have
to keep this sketch show family friendly.
VELVET
Kids love stripers.
(Jordan
pulls out a guitar and Priest Frollo puts his hand to his face)
PRIEST FROLLO
(SIGHING)
What are you doing now,
Mr. Jordan?
JORDAN
Oh here’s something for
like the show or something! Me and my old comedy partner Michael wrote this song
for our comedy duo act and here it is, take it Michael, Michael?
NANCY
(YELLING)
Na-Nu Na-Nu!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(CRYING)
Back in the 80’s I used to be a successful stockbroker! I was
banging chicks left and right, and spending money like it was water! Now, I’m a
prisoner of a local public access TV station! Forced to write comedy sketches
against my will! What happened to me, man!
(Priest Frollo
throws his arms up into the air and then points his marker at the comedy
writers in vain)
PRIEST
FROLLO
(ANNOYED)
You know what? I’m just going to tell the network to rerun The Donna Reed Show
in our timeslot because we won’t make the deadline. You’re all dismissed and
you are all going to turn in at least one sketch by next Tuesday. Lord, help me
handle next Tuesday! You idiots will be the death of me!
NANCY
(SINGING)
DONG DING
BA WA! NARF!
(Blackout.)
No comments:
Post a Comment