Friday, July 15, 2016

Bar Opener (Second City Class Sketch)!

(At the bar, Mike is shaking nervously while Wendy is trying to calm him down)

                   MIKE
I can’t do this!

                   WENDY
Yes you can, Mike!

                   MIKE
You don’t understand, Wendy. I suffer from really bad stage fright. I can’t perform tonight without my lucky charm.

                  WENDY
What’s your lucky charm?

                   MIKE
I rather not talk about it, but I always keep it in my pocket for good luck in every show.

                  WENDY
So, when was the last time you saw and used your so-called lucky charm?

                  MIKE
I don’t remember, plus I’m a little buzzed right now if you catch my drift.

(John walks drunkenly back from the bathroom and sits down back at the bar with Mike and Wendy)

                 


JOHN
                    (DRUNK)
I’m back! I ate tacos for lunch! You don’t believe me? Exhibit A is all over the men’s room wall! Mike, probably best not to use the men’s bathroom, pal. It’s stinky!

                   WENDY
Oh, hello John, do you have any advice for Mike on how to deal with his stage fright?

                   JOHN
                     (DRUNK)
Booze! Shit ton of booze, Mike! That’s my secret! Mike, you just need a little liquid courage, man! Like for talking to beautiful women! Like for that one coming towards us! Hey lady, you looking fine, girl!
(Bob the Bartender walks pass John, Wendy, and Mike)

                     JOHN
                       (DRUNK)
Did you see her knockers, Mike? They were huge!

                BOB THE BARTENDER
                     (OFFSTAGE)
I don’t have big tits! Do I?

                    MIKE
I wish I could find my lucky charm!

                   FAIRY KIND
                      (OFFSTAGE)
Did somebody say wish!

(Fairy Kind and Fairy Nice enter and Mike looks excited)

                  MIKE
Who are you?

                 FAIRY KIND
Hello Mike. My name is Fairy Kind. I’m your fairy godmother. Here to grant your wish!
                
                  WENDY
Who’s your friend, Fairy Kind?
                  FAIRY NICE
                     (MANIC)
I’m Fairy Nice, an intern at Magic Co. Someday I’ll get my wings, someday!

                  JOHN
                    (DRUNK)
Hey, do I get a wish too?

                   FAIRY KIND
No John, I’m just Mike’s fairy godmother. Now Mike, you wish to have your lucky charm returned to you? Do you not?

                  MIKE
Yes, can you do it?

                  FAIRY KIND
Of course, but first you must use find your special gift and use it to make the world ever so better!

                   MIKE
What the hell! Can you at least tell me my special gift! A clue would be nice!

                   FAIRY KIND
No child, I’m afraid you have to find out what your special gift is for yourself.

                    MIKE
Crap.

                    WENDY
Maybe you’ll find your special gift during our show. I’ll go get Bill, Lucy, and Emma.

(Three gunshots are heard and Bob the Bartender comes out holding a gun)

                BOB THE BARTENDER
Um, Bill, Lucy, and Emma wanted me to tell you guys that they couldn’t make it tonight for the show. Something happened.
   
                       
WENDY
What happened?

                  BOB THE BARTENDER
Um, shit happened! Along with being a bartender, I’m also a struggling actor. Can I be in the show?
                   
                     WENDY
All right I guess you can be in the show, Bob. But we still need two other actors.

                    MIKE
How about the fairies?

                   FAIRY KIND
Oh why not. I haven’t performed since my school play, but I’ll give it a go!

                  FAIRY NICE
                     (MANIC)
I’ll do anything Fairy Kind does. Performing may get me my wings.

                   MIKE
Cool, but wait, I don’t have my lucky charm. I can’t perform! What am I going to do?

                  FAIRY KIND
I can help you with that!
(Fairy Kind pulls out a bottle of booze)

                 FAIRY KIND
Drink from this magic bottle and you will gain the courage you need!

(Mike sighs and begins drinking from the bottle of booze)

                   JOHN
                     (DRUNK)
Yeah! Let’s dance!

(Everybody except Mike who is still drinking dances as the lights begin to go out)

                   (Blackout.)


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