INT. BEDROOM-DAY
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) and BUSTER KEATON (Loosely based on his real life counterpart) are in a small bedroom together with a film crew filming behind them.
WILLIAM
Hello, I’m William Randolph Hearst.
BUSTER
I’m Buster Keaton.
WILLIAM
And welcome to our Super Awesome Newsreel!
BUSTER
The 25th newsreel we filmed today.
WILLIAM
Yes, and be sure to tell the man at the ticket booth at your local nickelodeon you liked us, subscribe to my newspapers and mail us a thumbs up to say you liked our newsreel for a second time.
Buster holds up a picture of a thumbs up and William claps.
BUSTER
We got our first thumbs up right here and please give us some more. William lets make duck lips.
William and Buster make duck lips and the cameraman keeps rolling the old-timey film camera as Buster then starts playing with a ball in a cup trying to get the ball into the cup but failing. William looks annoyed at Buster.
WILLIAM
Buster, what are Earth are you doing?
BUSTER
I’m playing this wonderful game catch the ball in the cup and...
WILLIAM
But why are you doing it?
BUSTER
This is a let’s play for a Piece-Of-Pie!
WILLIAM
Buster! This is not a let’s play newsreel this is a news, newsreel.
BUSTER
Sorry Mr. Hearst. Can we share pictures of cats?
WILLIAM
Yes, it wouldn’t be a newsreel without pictures of cats, now would it.
Buster pulls out a bunch of pictures of cats and shows them to the viewers. William is laughing madly.
WILLIAM
Look at all those cute kitties. This is what newsreels were made for. Please tell your local nickelodeon ticket booth vender you like this.
CUT TO.
INT. MOVIE THEATER-DAY
BILL (an overweight man) walks up to a popcorn vender.
BILL
I don’t like the newsreel. Too many cats.
POPCORN VENDER
Why are you telling me?
BILL
Because the two men on the big screen said so.
POPCORN VENDER
Oh, you want the ticket taker. He’s over there.
BILL
Thanks.
POPCORN VENDER
Be sure to follow my newsletter. Will you give it a like?
BILL
Fuck off!
Bill leaves and the Popcorn Vender sighs as he slowly pulls up a thick newsletter.
CUT TO.
INT. BEDROOM-DAY
William and Buster laugh as a postman comes and hands Buster a letter.
The postman leaves and Buster reads the letter.
WILLIAM
Is this our first comment on the newsreel?
BUSTER
My god these Norwegian trolls are awful with their potty mouths. I challenge them to fisty cuffs.
Buster gets up and starts boxing. William coughs and pulls out a newspaper.
WILLIAM
Speaking of champions, what do you think of our new wrestling heavyweight champion Frank Gotch? I mean defeating the undefeated Georg Hackenschmidt for the title is such a feat that I heard he secretly has been using fox blood to make him stronger!
BUSTER
Using fox blood? Isn’t that against the rules? I bet wrestling is going to have a huge fox blood scandal where there’ll be hearings before congress and…
WILLIAM
Don’t worry, Buster, if these new rumors of wrestling being fake are true I’m sure everything will be just fine. Wrestling will always be a sport where men eject fox blood into themselves to become Greek gods. If you do it in any other sport, you would basically be considered a monster! Speaking of gods, what do you think of these rumors going around of comedian Fatty Arbuckle raping a woman?
BUSTER
Dear God, I hope it’s not true, but of course Fatty Arbuckle is denying these allegations. He lost his studio contract due to these rumors. Personally, I believe he’s innocent because he’s a friend of mine and he discovered me. So, in no way, do I think he could be such a monster! Us too!
WILLIAM
Yes, phone number sign Us Too movement begins now, Buster. We’re starting it here.
BUSTER
Us too, we white men have pride in our actions. Like can you imagine someday in the future a black man as president or something foolish like that.
WILLIAM
I think what you’re describing is fairy tale. Speaking of presidents, what do you think of our new president, Calvin Coolidge?
BUSTER
Too soon, William, I mean poor Warren G. Harding just died and no one really thought Calvin Coolidge would be president. I mean, really, the man’s in favor of civil rights for African-Americans. I bet during Calvin’s term the Ku Klux Klan will overthrow him and we will have a great all white America once again! Again phone number sign Us Too!
WILLIAM
Oh, sorry to interrupt your rant, Buster, but I have to ask our viewers to subscribe…to “The San Francisco Examiner” which not only am I the owner of, but is just as good as this newsreel! Now in other news…
MARION (O.S.)
Hey guys, can I come in?
BUSTER
No this is men’s work. Sorry folks that’s just Marion Byron, she always bugs us while we’re filming our newsreels! Anyway William, what did you think of the new amazing cartoon “Steamboat Willie”?
While William Randolph Hearst is talking MARION BYRON (Loosely based on her real life counterpart) enters the room and begins dancing behind Buster Keaton and William Randolph Hearst.
WILLIAM
After watching “Steamboat Willie” I can now say officially that Walt Disney is indeed a warlock, because a cartoon that has sound in it is truly the work of the devil and…
William Randolph Hearst pauses then turns around and stares at Marion Byron.
WILLIAM
Are you seriously dancing right now, Marion?
MARION
Yeah, I think that dancing newsreels will be really popular and get so many views at the local theater!
BUSTER
Oh yeah, well your stupid makeup and hair tutorials newsreels haven’t got as many views as our newsreels! Like your newsreels are only in two theaters anyway!
MARION
Really Buster, do you think people would really watch a newsreel of somebody playing with a ball in a cup for 15 minutes…boring!
WILLIAM
Oh yeah, at least we’re funny! Women will never be funny on newsreels!
MARION
Fart.
Buster Keaton begins to laugh insanely and William Randolph Hearst sighs then looks at his watch.
WILLIAM
Well, it looks like we’re out of time! But look at your theater’s show times to see our previous newsreels. Next week, we’ll have guest host comedian, Ed Wynn, and as usual we’ll end this week’s newsreel with me kicking Buster Keaton in the nuts. Because, well, apparently people really like to watch newsreels of people getting kicked in the nuts!
William Randolph Hearst stands up and Buster Keaton stands up in fear.
BUSTER
Oh, come on, William, do you really have to kick me in the nuts again? Are getting views really that important?
WILLIAM
Yes, goodbye everybody!
William Randolph Hearst was about to kick Buster Keaton in the nuts when Marion Byron interrupts and begins to sing.
MARION
What did the fox say?
Marion Byron is singing “What Did The Fox Say” while suddenly out of nowhere William Randolph Hearst and Buster Keaton begin dancing in the background.
WILLIAM
Jolly fun!
BUSTER
Hip hip hooray!
MARION
Fart!
William, Buster and Marion continue to dance as the film crew around them look confused.
FILM CREW MEMBER #1
Is someone going say cut?
FILM CREW MEMBER #2
Nah, I think when this is over they’re going to throw this newsreel into a live stream of water with beavers eating it after.
FILM CREW MEMBER #1
What?
END
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