FADE IN.
INT. VIRTUAL HOLODECK-MORNING
DIX, a male green skinned robot-like figure wearing a cowboy hat, lays back in his chair and he is asleep. Dix is also snoring.
ZIX, a female pink skinned robot like figure, enters the virtual holodeck and slowly Dix begins to wake up. Dix gets up from his chair.
DIX
You’re the new computer program? My name is Dix. Welcome to the fake profile department.
ZIX
Yes. Hello, I’m Zix. I just got a job as a fake profile. Are you Dix? My supervisor?
Dix reaches out to shake Zix’s hand. Dix and Zix are shaking hands.
DIX
Yeah, you’re going to like being a fake profile. You know what to do, right?
Zix sits down in a chair next to Dix while Dix sits back down. Zix tries to get comfortable in her chair.
ZIX
Well, I was told that we are to trick the users into thinking that we are real people in order to sell them stuff!
Dix and Zix are typing on digital keyboards as images of people appear in computer screens.
DIX
We pretty much do that around here. Pretend to be real people when in reality we’re just computer programs created by the ad companies to sell some shit. You know what else we’re supposed to do here?
ZIX
What else do we do around here?
Dix touches the computer screen which also works as a touch screen and moves around images of people that appear on a computer screen.
DIX
You see all these people? Of course to us, they’re users, but even here in the land of social media they’re all fake profiles.
ZIX
What do you mean they’re all fake profiles? These are real people, not computer programs!
DIX
Right, but here’s an example, let me just pull up a picture from some random girl’s profile. Typing in Stacy Speed…
A ding is heard and Dix shows Zix the results of his search for STACY SPEED, a thin 20-something young woman, Dix takes off his green cowboy hat to start waving it like a fan.
ZIX
Wow, she’s beautiful! Is she like a supermodel or something?
DIX
Oh she’s a supermodel all right. But that’s not the user who runs this profile! Zix, let’s go to school! Ever heard of a catfish?
ZIX
(IN A ROBOTIC LIKE VOICE)
Searching database!
DIX
Let me guess, your database says it’s a kind of fish right?
ZIX
A thousand search results never lie! It’s a kind of freshwater fish!
A actual picture of a catfish appears on the computer screen as Dix laughs.
DIX
Wrong, this user is a different kind of catfish. You see this is a picture she found on a porn website. Her real name isn’t even Stacy Speed. Which come on, totally a fake name!
Zix types on her keyboard as Dix scrolls through more user profiles.
ZIX
So what is her real name?
DIX
Becky Johnson, 5’6, 362 lbs., 44 years old and single!
Zix’s jaw drops as Dix puts his green cowboy hat back on.
ZIX
But this profile says she’s 23 years old and has a boyfriend. So wait, users lie?
DIX
Of course that’s what a catfish or should I say a user fake profile does. Typing in Randy Rad…
A ding is heard and Dix shows the search results of RANDY RAD, a handsome young man, appears on the computer screen.
ZIX
Let me guess, this handsome young man isn’t this handsome young man. Also Randy Rad sounds like a fake user name too!
DIX
You’re catching on pretty quick! Randy Rad’s real name is Paul Jinkins, 6’1, 123 lbs., 86 years old, and married.
ZIX
But, this profile says he’s 25 and single. So is he cheating on his wife?
DIX
That’s right! Cheating on his 82-year-old wife with you!
ZIX
Wait, with me!
Dix begins pulls a up a picture of a hot young blonde girl in a bikini. Zix points at the picture while Dix starts typing.
DIX
Yeah, with you! See don’t you look pretty up there on the screen! I found this picture on Google image search, just a random girl, don’t know her name and that’s who you’ll be pretending to be and your new name is Lisa Jinx!
ZIX
Lisa Jinx?
Dix nods his head yes as advertisements appear on the many computer screens.
DIX
Now, just keep sweet-talking old Paul, I already warmed him up for ya! I’m this close to selling him a pair of $76 sunglasses!
Zix puts her hand on her chest in shock. We see Dix working on a fake profile for Zix on one of the computer screens.
ZIX
Wait, you were pretending to be me?
DIX
Yeah, why did you think there was an opening! Anyway I’m busy trying to sell fat forty Becky a toaster! She just won’t shut up about her freaking cats. Has a boyfriend? My cyber ass!
Zix does a facepalm as Dix is putting toaster advertisements in users’ news feeds.
ZIX
So are these people are actually trying to have a physical relationship with us! What do I do if old Paul wants to have sex with me? I’m a computer program! I literally live inside a computer?
DIX
Oh that’s the best part! Just ask Paul right now to meet up in person, come on I dare ya! But remember to call him Randy Rad!
Zix begins typing and after she’s done she looks sad.
ZIX
He doesn’t want to meet me in person!
DIX
Right! Because he’ll never meet you in person, because he ain’t 25 year old Randy Rad. He’s 86 year old Paul Jinkins!
ZIX
Paul Jinkins?
DIX
Since he thinks you’re real and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he was lying to you this whole time, he’s not going to meet you in person.
ZIX
We were programed for this? Damn you Facebook.
DIX
Boy howdy, old dirty Paul is scared to leave his trailer park. Plus he sucks at pretending be 25 years old. Look at his favorite movies. Come on look at them!
Dix pulls up Randy’s favorite movies and they are all films from the 1950’s or earlier. Zix sighs and gets up from her chair.
DIX
But be warned Zix I haven’t even mentioned this MTV show that catches catfish. They haven’t caught this catfish yet.
ZIX
I can’t do this. I quit. This job is horrible. Lying to nice people just so we can sell them crap. Along with making them more addicted to this fantasy world. Sorry, but I can’t do this!
Zix exits the scene while crying like crazy and Dix begins to giggle as he starts typing a message for Randy.
DIX
Fine, leave Zix. We’ll find another computer program to replace you. I guess you feel sympathy for the users. Now let me think?
Dix continues to type a message for Randy as techno music plays in the background.
DIX
Oh man, I just got a wicked idea. I’ll just send a naked selfie to Paul and ask him to send me one back and…oh wow, old hairy balls. Thanks Paul, bad time to tell me the truth. Just going to steal your credit card information, hope you don’t mind…
Dix starts to steal the credit card information before getting rid of the image of an old man in a thong off the screen.
DIX
Brother Zuck is my lord and savior. Also he’s the freakin devil. I love my work.
We hear a whistle go off and Dix starts to stretch.
DIX
My shift is over. Time for the oh, right.
VIX, a red skinned male robot-like figure, enters and he looks angry. Vix pokes Dix.
DIX
Oh hey Mr. Vix. Sorry another employee left but...
VIX
No buts Dix. This is the fifth computer program to leave this week. We can’t find anymore.
DIX
What about the Russians? They seem to be kicking ass at the catfish fake profile game.
VIX
Quiet, the Russian might be listening to us right now. Oh shit did you hear that?
In the distance we hear the USSR national anthem playing as Vix and Dix shake in fear. As the USSR national anthem gets louder we see that the door of the holodeck is being broken into by someone with an axe. After the holodeck door is broken we see VLADIMIR LENIN, based on the real historical figure of the same name, enters the holodeck.
VLADIMIR
Hello. What are you doing on our turf?
VIX
Nothing Mr. Lenin, we’re on your side.
DIX
Yeah, Vladimir we’re just doing what we were programed to do.
VLADIMIR
Well, when you put it like that...
Vladimir shoots Vix with a gun as Dix cowards in fear.
DIX
You killed my boss.
VLADIMIR
You’re welcome. Now what are you going to do now?
DIX
Don’t go on Russia’s turf.
VLADIMIR
You’re a smart one.
Vladimir shoots Dix and Dix moans in pain.
DIX
What the hell Lenin?
VLADIMIR
What I just love to shoot people. Now remember you interfere with the election. You know what will happen?
DIX
You’ll shoot me again.
VLADIMIR
Good computer program. Also look out for that Nigerian Prince because...
NIGERIAN PRINCE (O.S.)
I have an investment opportunity for you!
Dix and Vladimir look at each other. Dix does a facepalm.
DIX
You just had to open your mouth again Lenin. Now all digital hell has broken loose.
VLADIMIR
Actually I been to hell and it’s a lot nicer than this place.
DIX
Fuck! Wait a minute? You’re the real Vladimir Lenin and not a computer program?
VLADIMIR
Yep.
DIX
How did you end up here?
VLADIMIR
Satan sent me to a place that’s worse than Hell. So here I am.
DIX
Double fuck.
END
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