FADE IN.
INT. THEATER-MORNING
BRAD, a sleazy 40-something male talent agent, and TOM, a naive 30-something male talent agent, review headshots and applications of models wishing to join their agency.
BRAD
Man, Tom. Too many models of all sizes have come through this audition so far, but we have yet to find that one diverse client out of all of them!
TOM
We have already hired five new clients from this audition, and one of them is Asian.
Tom pulls out a sandwich and starts to eat. Brad continues to look at the headshots.
BRAD
Right, but they were all thin. I mean we have to find the one plus size client. Let’s see the next audition. Number 46 we’re ready for ya!
Tom continues to eat the sandwich while talking with his mouth full.
TOM
Number 46? Hey Brad I heard she’s a foreign super model from a small island nation.
XANDA, a 20-something plus size female model, walks out and steps onto the stage wearing a bikini, exposing her very hairy chest. Tom spits out his sandwich and lets out a scream.
TOM
Dear God!
Tom pulls out a tiny trash can and vomits while Brad jaw drops. Brad pulls himself together and shakes Tom to calm him down. BRAD
Dude! Tom! Seriously, shut up!
Xanda is standing on the stage with her head titled and coughs.
XANDA
You two seem a bit shocked. Is something wrong?
TOM
She’s so hairy! She’s like a Bigfoot!
Xanda looks at her feet after what Tom says as Tom is trying to calm down.
XANDA
Did he just call me a Bigfoot?
BRAD
No, Miss Xanda, he is just a little shocked by your appearance.
XANDA
I thought you said this audition was being held for models of all sizes?
TOM
We only need one plus size model. We normally hire thin clients, but Brad said hiring one plus size model would be good publicity for the agency.
Brad covers Tom’s mouth with his hand after his finishes talking.
BRAD
Seriously?? Control your blurting, man!
Xanda starts pacing around on the stage looking a little annoyed as Brad and Tom argue a little.
XANDA
Excuse me?
Brad and Tom stop arguing and Brad coughs then stands up.
BRAD
Look, sorry, Miss Xanda. My friend didn’t mean to offend you. We’re good honest people and we don’t need the media backlash, do we, Tom?
Brad taps Tom on the shoulder and Tom panics as he speaks.
TOM
Right! So, ah, tell us about your self, hairy…I mean Xanda!
Xanda grabs a chair and sits down on the stage as Tom and Brad stare at each other in anger.
XANDA
Oh, is that why you had such a strong reaction me? My hairy chest? I forget to mention I’m from a small island nation called Wixtona?
Brad makes a time out sign gesture with his hands.
BRAD
No, we knew you were from Wixtona, but of course, we Americans don’t know much about it. Could you please tell us about your hairy chest?
XANDA
You see in the country of Wixtona, the hairier and fatter the woman is, the more beautiful she is.
After Xanda speaks she pulls out a candy bar and starts to eat. She finishes it quickly. After Xanda finishes the candy bar she burps.
TOM
Oh that place sounds horrible!
Brad knocks Tom on the head again.
BRAD
Dude!
Before Brad can slap Tom again, Tom gulps and fixes his tie.
TOM
I mean that place sounds like a beautiful fairy tale kingdom!
Brad nods his head in agreement as Xanda swings the chair backwards.
XANDA
Well, I know Americans like thinner and less hairy women! Wixtona customs are quite different. I totally understand if I am of no interest to your agency. In Wixtona, I’m considered one of the most beautiful women and my father’s the king so…
Brad stands up to interrupt Xanda before she could finish her line.
BRAD
Wait, you’re royalty? What in the hell are you doing here?
Xanda’s royal bodyguards appear on the stage with her as Brad and Tom look scared.
XANDA
Well, Wixtona’s GDP is about as much as the box office earnings for the movie Jupiter Ascending. We are pretty much a third world country at this point. I need work and being a princess doesn’t pay that much. We’re nothing like the British royal family.
One of the royal bodyguards throws a sword towards Brad and Tom and they jump up with fear. After one of the royal bodyguards threw his sword, Xanda orders them to leave with a shoo hand gesture.
BRAD
Tom, can I talk to you in private for a second?
Brad and Tom spin their chairs around while Xanda looks worried.
BRAD
Dude, we have to hire her! She’s our cash cow!
TOM
Brad I know she’s fat, but even I didn’t call her a cow.
Brad knocks Tom on the head. After being hit in the head, Tom starts to rub his head.
BRAD
No, Tom! Think about it! Brad and Tom’s Modeling Agency hires Princess Xanda of Wixtona! That’ll bring us a shitload of publicity! We have to hire her!
TOM
But Brad, what about her hairy chest?
BRAD
We ask her to get her chest hair waxed! No biggie!
TOM
Totally! Also I don’t want to be murdered by her bodyguards.
Brad and Tom swing their chairs forward. Xanda is on stage as she excitedly awaits to hear an update.
BRAD
Good news, Xanda. We decided to hire you as our new client. You just have to remove your chest hair first.
XANDA
Great! I will remove it right away. Even though I am sad to bring shame to my country’s customs, I could really use the money. Besides, I have always dreamed of being a model.
Tom tilts his head in confusion while Xanda gets up from the chair and dances with joy.
TOM
But, you are a princess. That is like every little girls dream.
Xanda continues to dance in celebration as Tom pulls the sword out of the table.
XANDA
I know, I know, but models get way more attention in America. Being a famous plus size model in America will bring me more power than being a princess of a tiny nation like Wixtona.
Brad gets up from his chair. Xanda’s royal bodyguards are about to rush Brad but Xanda signals to them to not hurt Brad and Tom.
BRAD
So, welcome aboard, Xanda! You’ll love it here in America! Once you sign the contract, you will officially be apart of Brad and Tom’s Modeling Agency!
Brad walks to the stage with the contract for Xanda to sign and as Xanda bends over to grab it, she exposes a huge mole on her upper butt cheek.
Tom jumps up from his chair as Brad’s jaw drops again.
TOM
Holy shit! That mole is huge!
Xanda looks down at her butt and looks back at Brad.
XANDA
Oh? What? My lucky mole? In Wixtona, huge moles mean good luck!
Brad does a facepalm as Tom vomits again into his little trash can.
BRAD
So, I take it you don’t want to get your lucky mole removed, do you?
Xanda chuckles a little as the royal bodyguards pick up Brad and escort him off the stage.
XANDA
No, silly, it brings me good luck!
BRAD
Damn! Okay, I guess since it worked for Cindy Crawford, it’ll work for you!
As the royal bodyguards are escorting Brad off the stage Tom rushes over to Brad.
TOM
But it’s so hairy!
BRAD
Shut up Tom. We’re hiring her. God, the things we do for money.
ROYAL BODYGUARD 1
The things you do for money? We get paid in fruit. That’s all we have on the island of Wixtona.
TOM
So what are you guys going to do with Brad?
The Royal Bodyguards laugh a little as Xanda walks down off the stage.
TOM
Again, answer my question?
ROYAL BODYGUARD 1
We’re going to hold you both hostage for money.
TOM
What!
BRAD
What!
The Royal Bodyguards laugh again and Xanda puts her arm around Tom as he and Brad look scared.
XANDA
They’re kidding, we just need you to pay for lunch. Because we’re broke remember. I’m in the mood for tacos.
The Royal Bodyguards let Brad go as Brad starts to dust himself off.
BRAD
Very funny prank people. I know this great taco place. Follow me and we’ll discuss future gigs.
Brad, Xanda and the royal bodyguards exit as Tom looks confused and grabs the sword that was stuck in their table. Tom looks at the sword and notices the flag of Wixtona on the sword. The flag of Wixtona is a Bear eating tacos.
TOM
They eat tacos in Wixtona? I have to Google the hell out of Wixtona when I get home. Thank god the auditions are over for today. I need a vacation.
END
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