(Rodney
and Lindsey are sightseeing in Iceland)
RODNEY
Baby, I know how much you wanted to go
to Iceland and here we are…only the best for you babe!
LINDSEY
Yes, but babe, you seem to have been
behaving oddly during our trip, what’s wrong?
RODNEY
Lindsey, my love, you love me for more
than my money, right?
LINDSEY
Well…
RODNEY
Of course, I ordered you out of a
Russian Wives catalog! Why did I think I could just get by with my personality
alone!
LINDSEY
Just tell me what’s going on Rodney!
RODNEY
I got laid off from Goldman Sachs! Oh
Lindsey baby, the department I worked for was all just a Ponzi scheme! Somebody
was gonna rat us all out!
LINDSEY
Who would rat you out!
RODNEY
I’m the rat, that’s why I got laid off!
Oh God! So now we’re stuck in Iceland, I can’t afford a flight home for the both
of us!
LINDSEY
Look, why don’t we just call some of
our friends at the country club. They’ll loan us some money for plane tickets
home!
RODNEY
Lindsey, baby, don’t you get it! We’re
broke! You thought you only liked me for my money. How in the hell did you
think I have so many friends in the first place?
LINDSEY
Dear God
Rodney, you mean we’re poor! But this is terrible! I can’t have my baby grow up
homeless in Iceland!
RODNEY
Baby, what
baby!
LINDSEY
I’m
pregnant!
RODNEY
Wait how?
I’m 80 years old! I’ve been shooting blanks for years now! Wow, I must still
have some magic in me!
RUGNOK
(OFFSTAGE)
It’s not
your magic that be inside her Rodney!
RODNEY
Who said
that?
(Rugnok enters and Rodney and Lindsey are in awe of
him)
LINDSEY
Who are
you?
RUGNOK
I am Rugnok
the Warrior! And you fair Lindsey are pregnant with the bastard child of the
Troll King!
RODNEY
Man, I know
I’m not that handsome, but to call me the king of trolls that’s just unfair!
RUGNOK
Not you
Rodney! The Troll King, he lives in the mountains in a huge castle made of
gold!
LINDSEY
A castle made
of gold you say? And I’m the mother of the Troll King’s child?
RUGNOK
Yes! That
is why I must take ye to the local priest so he can get rid of your demon seed!
Come with me young lady!
LINDSEY
No, I want
to have this baby!
RUGNOK
What!
RODNEY
Baby, you
want to be the mother of an ugly baby troll? Why?
LINDSEY
Rodney,
honey, Rugnok said the Troll King lives in a castle made out of gold! The guy’s
obviously rich! Basically I would rather be married to The Troll King than to
be married to an ugly old man who recently got laid off! I’m sorry Rodney, but
I’m leaving you, my baby needs to be raised by his rich father…
RUGNOK
Some
legends say that the Troll King used to actually be a handsome prince that was
cursed by a witch and turned into a troll. Some legends say that true love’s
kiss can break the curse and…
RODNEY
You’re not
helping Rugnok! Baby, please, I have a great 401(k), I got us a lovely room at
the ice hotel! Hell I can get a job here in Iceland that’ll pay for some food
and a mortgage for an even greater gold castle!
RUGNOK
You be
looking for work eh Rodney? I can give you a job as my manservant! Could use
help carrying me axes and chopping wood!
RODNEY
You hear
that Lindsey baby! I got a job offer! Castle made of Gold here we come!
LINDSEY
How much does
the manservant job pay Rugnok?
RUGNOK
Your
husband gets paid in all the fish he can eat and two pieces of silver a year!
LINDSEY
Yeah, well
I’m heading to the mountains to marry the Troll King and have his baby! Rodney,
see you again in divorce court, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer! Goodbye!
(Lindsey exits the scene and Rodney begins to cry)
RODNEY
(CRYING)
I lost
everything! Now, what am I going to do?
RUGNOK
You can
start chopping some wood!
(Rugnok passes Rodney an axe and Rodney shrugs)
RODNEY
As always I
get no respect!
(Rodney begins to walk away from the scene sadly
and Rugnok follows behind him)
RUGNOK
Hope you
like Salmon! Because you’ll be eating a lot of it!
(Blackout.)
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