(We see
William Randolph Hearst and Buster Keaton sitting down and staring down at the lens of a camera)
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Hello, I’m William Randolph Hearst and
with me, as usual, is my co-host, famed film comedian, Buster Keaton. Welcome
to the Super Awesome Amazing Newsreel. So first off, here’s a funny photo of a
cat wearing a hat!
(Buster
Keaton pulls out a photo of a cat wearing a hat)
BUSTER KEATON
You can probably search for more funny
photos of cats wearing hats by searching for ‘funny photos of cats wearing hats’
in your encyclopedia. We’re guessing the Encyclopedia
Britannica is where you found our newsreel reference! It’s in the margin
on the same page under “funny photos of cats wearing hats”!
WILLIAM RANDOPLH HEARST
Yes, but before we begin the newsreel,
we would like you to give us 10,000 thumbs ups for this newsreel. Please take a
photo of yourself giving a thumbs up and mail it to us. We’d really appreciate
it! Thanks again for the 10 million views on last week’s newsreel! You can see
it again at the local theater in the next town over I believe and…
BUSTER KEATON
William, I believe we should get to
the news now!
WILLIAM RANDOPLH HEARST
Oh, right, the news. Don’t worry, fans,
after we share this boring news, Buster will again do funny commentary on these
new fancy toy games. This week he’ll do funny commentary on ball in a cup. In
fact he’s already doing right now…
(Buster Keaton is playing ball in a cup trying to
get the ball into the cup)
BUSTER KEATON
Remember bros this is
PEW-DE-BUSTER-PIE and oh shit, even though I didn’t get the ball into the cup
it’s attached to a string,so I’ll never lose the ball. I’m the world champion
of ball in a cup! PEW-DE-BUSTER-PIE! FIST PUMPING REALLY GOOD FUN THIS IS!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Speaking of champions, what do you
think of our new wrestling heavyweight champion Frank Gotch? I mean defeating
the undefeated Georg Hackenschmidt for the title is such a feat that I
heard he secretly has been using fox blood to make him stronger!
BUSTER
KEATON
Using fox blood? Isn’t that against the rules? I bet wrestling
is going to have a huge fox blood scandal where there’ll be hearings before
congress and…
WILLIAM
RANDOLPH HEARST
Don’t worry, Buster, if these new rumors of wrestling being fake
are true I’m sure everything will be just fine. Wrestling will always be a
sport where men eject fox blood into themselves to become Greek gods. If you do
it in any other sport, you would basically be considered a monster! Speaking of
gods, what do you think of these rumors going around of comedian Fatty Arbuckle raping a woman?
BUSTER KEATON
Dear God, I hope it’s not true, but of
course Fatty Arbuckle is denying these allegations. He lost his studio contract
due to these rumors. Personally, I believe he’s innocent because he’s a friend
of mine and he discovered me. So, in no way, do I think he could be such a
monster!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
But think about it Buster, what if
someday another beloved comedian rapes a woman? Maybe even more than one
woman? What if he wasn’t white, but a
black man, and…
BUSTER KEATON
I think what you’re describing is
fairy tale. Like really? A beloved, black comedian? Next, you’ll be telling me
that you believe one of those black men will be president of the United
States…never going to happen!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Speaking of presidents, what do you
think of our new president, Calvin Coolidge?
BUSTER KEATON
To soon, William, I mean poor Warren
G. Harding just died and no one really thought Calvin Coolidge would be
president. I mean, really, the man’s in favor of civil rights for
African-Americans. I bet during Calvin’s term the Ku Klux Klan will overthrow
him and we will have a great all white America once again!
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Oh, sorry to interrupt your rant,
Buster, but I have to ask our viewers to subscribe…to “The San Francisco Examiner” which not only am I the owner of, but is
just as good as this newsreel! Now in other news…
MARION BYRON
(OFFSTAGE)
Hey guys, can I come in?
BUSTER KEATON
NO! LEAVE US ALONE MARION! Sorry folks
that’s just Marion Byron, she always bugs us while we’re filming our newsreels!
Anyway William, what did you think of the new amazing cartoon “Steamboat Willie”?
(While William Randolph Hearst is talking Marion
Byron enters the room and begins dancing behind Buster Keaton and William
Randolph Hearst)
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
After
watching “Steamboat Willie” I can now say officially that Walt Disney is indeed
a warlock, because a cartoon that has sound in it is truly the work of the
devil and…
(William Randolph Hearst pauses then turns around
and stares at Marion Byron)
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Are you
seriously dancing right now, Marion?
MARION
BYRON
(WHILE STILL DANCING)
YEAH! I think that dancing newsreels
will be really popular and get so many views at the local theater!
BUSTER KEATON
Oh yeah, well your stupid makeup
and hair tutorials newsreels haven’t got as many views as our newsreels! Like
your newsreels are only in two theaters anyway!
MARION BYRON
(WHILE
STILL DANCING)
Really Buster, do you think people would really watch a newsreel
of somebody playing with a ball in a cup for 15 minutes…boring!
WILLIAM
RANDOLPH HEARST
Oh yeah, at least we’re funny! Women will never be funny on
newsreels!
MARION
BYRON
(WHILE STILL DANCING)
FART!
(Buster Keaton begins to laugh
insanely and William Randolph Hearst sighs then looks at his watch)
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Well, it looks like we’re out of time! But look at your
theater’s show times to see our previous newsreels. Next week, we’ll have guest
host comedian, Ed Wynn, and as usual
we’ll end this week’s newsreel with me kicking Buster Keaton in the nuts. Because,
well, apparently people really like to watch newsreels of people getting kicked
in the nuts!
(William
Randolph Hearst stands up and Buster Keaton stands up in fear)
BUSTER KEATON
Oh, come on, William, do you really have
to kick me in the nuts again? Are getting views really that important?
WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
YES! GOOD BYE EVERYBODY!
(William
Randolph Hearst was about to kick Buster Keaton in the nuts when Marion Byron
interrupts and begins to sing)
MARION BYRON
(SINGING)
WHAT DID THE FOX SAY?
(Marion
Byron is singing “What Did The Fox Say” while suddenly out of nowhere William
Randolph Hearst and Buster Keaton begin dancing in the background)
(Blackout.)
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