Monday, February 1, 2016

Newsreel (Second City Class Sketch)!

(We see William Randolph Hearst and Buster Keaton sitting down and staring down at the lens of a camera)

                 WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Hello, I’m William Randolph Hearst and with me, as usual, is my co-host, famed film comedian, Buster Keaton. Welcome to the Super Awesome Amazing Newsreel. So first off, here’s a funny photo of a cat wearing a hat!

(Buster Keaton pulls out a photo of a cat wearing a hat)

                    BUSTER KEATON
You can probably search for more funny photos of cats wearing hats by searching for ‘funny photos of cats wearing hats’ in your encyclopedia. We’re guessing the Encyclopedia Britannica is where you found our newsreel reference! It’s in the margin on the same page under “funny photos of cats wearing hats”!

                    WILLIAM RANDOPLH HEARST
Yes, but before we begin the newsreel, we would like you to give us 10,000 thumbs ups for this newsreel. Please take a photo of yourself giving a thumbs up and mail it to us. We’d really appreciate it! Thanks again for the 10 million views on last week’s newsreel! You can see it again at the local theater in the next town over I believe and…

                     BUSTER KEATON
William, I believe we should get to the news now!

                    WILLIAM RANDOPLH HEARST
Oh, right, the news. Don’t worry, fans, after we share this boring news, Buster will again do funny commentary on these new fancy toy games. This week he’ll do funny commentary on ball in a cup. In fact he’s already doing right now…

(Buster Keaton is playing ball in a cup trying to get the ball into the cup)

                    BUSTER KEATON
Remember bros this is PEW-DE-BUSTER-PIE and oh shit, even though I didn’t get the ball into the cup it’s attached to a string,so I’ll never lose the ball. I’m the world champion of ball in a cup! PEW-DE-BUSTER-PIE! FIST PUMPING REALLY GOOD FUN THIS IS!

                  WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Speaking of champions, what do you think of our new wrestling heavyweight champion Frank Gotch? I mean defeating the undefeated Georg Hackenschmidt for the title is such a feat that I heard he secretly has been using fox blood to make him stronger!

                    BUSTER KEATON
Using fox blood? Isn’t that against the rules? I bet wrestling is going to have a huge fox blood scandal where there’ll be hearings before congress and…

                   WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Don’t worry, Buster, if these new rumors of wrestling being fake are true I’m sure everything will be just fine. Wrestling will always be a sport where men eject fox blood into themselves to become Greek gods. If you do it in any other sport, you would basically be considered a monster! Speaking of gods, what do you think of these rumors going around of comedian Fatty Arbuckle raping a woman?

                    BUSTER KEATON
Dear God, I hope it’s not true, but of course Fatty Arbuckle is denying these allegations. He lost his studio contract due to these rumors. Personally, I believe he’s innocent because he’s a friend of mine and he discovered me. So, in no way, do I think he could be such a monster!

                   

                WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
But think about it Buster, what if someday another beloved comedian rapes a woman? Maybe even more than one woman?  What if he wasn’t white, but a black man, and…
                      
                      
                    BUSTER KEATON
I think what you’re describing is fairy tale. Like really? A beloved, black comedian? Next, you’ll be telling me that you believe one of those black men will be president of the United States…never going to happen!

                 WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Speaking of presidents, what do you think of our new president, Calvin Coolidge?

                     BUSTER KEATON
To soon, William, I mean poor Warren G. Harding just died and no one really thought Calvin Coolidge would be president. I mean, really, the man’s in favor of civil rights for African-Americans. I bet during Calvin’s term the Ku Klux Klan will overthrow him and we will have a great all white America once again!

                   WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Oh, sorry to interrupt your rant, Buster, but I have to ask our viewers to subscribe…to “The San Francisco Examiner” which not only am I the owner of, but is just as good as this newsreel! Now in other news…

                     MARION BYRON
                           (OFFSTAGE)
Hey guys, can I come in?

                     BUSTER KEATON
NO! LEAVE US ALONE MARION! Sorry folks that’s just Marion Byron, she always bugs us while we’re filming our newsreels! Anyway William, what did you think of the new amazing cartoon “Steamboat Willie”?

(While William Randolph Hearst is talking Marion Byron enters the room and begins dancing behind Buster Keaton and William Randolph Hearst)

                   
                WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
After watching “Steamboat Willie” I can now say officially that Walt Disney is indeed a warlock, because a cartoon that has sound in it is truly the work of the devil and…

(William Randolph Hearst pauses then turns around and stares at Marion Byron)

                 WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Are you seriously dancing right now, Marion?

                 MARION BYRON
                    (WHILE STILL DANCING)
YEAH! I think that dancing newsreels will be really popular and get so many views at the local theater!

                  BUSTER KEATON
Oh yeah, well your stupid makeup and hair tutorials newsreels haven’t got as many views as our newsreels! Like your newsreels are only in two theaters anyway!

                MARION BYRON
                    (WHILE STILL DANCING)
Really Buster, do you think people would really watch a newsreel of somebody playing with a ball in a cup for 15 minutes…boring!

                   WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Oh yeah, at least we’re funny! Women will never be funny on newsreels!

                   MARION BYRON
                       (WHILE STILL DANCING)
FART!

(Buster Keaton begins to laugh insanely and William Randolph Hearst sighs then looks at his watch)

                    WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
Well, it looks like we’re out of time! But look at your theater’s show times to see our previous newsreels. Next week, we’ll have guest host comedian, Ed Wynn, and as usual we’ll end this week’s newsreel with me kicking Buster Keaton in the nuts. Because, well, apparently people really like to watch newsreels of people getting kicked in the nuts!

(William Randolph Hearst stands up and Buster Keaton stands up in fear)

                    BUSTER KEATON
Oh, come on, William, do you really have to kick me in the nuts again? Are getting views really that important?

                     WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST
YES! GOOD BYE EVERYBODY!

(William Randolph Hearst was about to kick Buster Keaton in the nuts when Marion Byron interrupts and begins to sing)
                    

                     MARION BYRON
                         (SINGING)
WHAT DID THE FOX SAY?

(Marion Byron is singing “What Did The Fox Say” while suddenly out of nowhere William Randolph Hearst and Buster Keaton begin dancing in the background)

                   (Blackout.)







                

                    



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