Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Tron Fish (Second City Class Sketch)!

(Inside a computer in a green digital office, Dix is lying back in his chair)

(Zix enters the digital office and slowly Dix begins to get up from his chair)

                        ZIX
Hello, I’m Zix. I just got a job as a fake profile. Are you Dix?

                        DIX
Yeah, you’re going to like being a fake profile. You know what to do, right?

(Zix sits down in a chair next to Dix while Dix sits back down)

                       ZIX
Well, I was told that we are to trick the users into thinking that we are real people in order to sell them stuff!

                       DIX
We pretty much do that around here. Pretend to be real people when in reality were just computer programs created by the ad companies to sell some shit. You know what else we’re supposed to do here?

                       ZIX
What else do we do around here?

(Dix begins typing into a keyboard and images of people appear on a computer screen in front of Dix and Zix)
                      

                        DIX
You see all these people? Of course to us, they’re users, but even here in the land of social media they’re all fake profiles.

                      ZIX
What do you mean they’re all fake profiles? These are real people, not computer programs!

                      DIX
Right, but here’s an example, let me just pull up a picture from some random girl’s profile. Typing in Stacy Speed…

(A ding is heard and Dix shows Zix the results of his search for Stacy Speed)

                      ZIX
Wow, she’s beautiful! Is she like a supermodel or something?

                     DIX
Oh she’s a supermodel all right. But not the user who runs this profile! Zix, let’s go to school! Ever heard of a catfish?

                    ZIX
                     (IN A ROBOTIC LIKE VOICE)
SEARCHING DATABASE!

                     DIX
Let me guess, you’re database says it’s a kind of fish right?

                     ZIX
A thousand search results never lie! It’s a kind of freshwater fish!

                     DIX
Wrong, this user is a different kind of catfish. You see this is a picture she found on a porn website. Her real name isn’t even Stacy Speed. Which come on, totally a fake name!

                    ZIX
So what is her real name?

                    DIX
Becky Johnson, 5’6, 362 lbs., 44 years old and single!

                     ZIX
But this profile says she’s 23 years old and has a boyfriend. So wait, users lie?

                     DIX
Of course that’s what a catfish or should I say a user fake profile does. Typing in Randy Rad…

(A ding is heard and Dix shows the search results of Randy Rad to Zix)

                      ZIX
Let me guess, this handsome young man isn’t this handsome young man. Also Randy Rad sounds like a fake user name too!

                      DIX
You’re catching on pretty quick! Randy Rad’s real name is Paul Jinkins, 6’1, 123 lbs., 86 years old, and married.

                      ZIX
But, this profile says he’s 25 and single. So is he cheating on his wife?

                      DIX
That’s right! Cheating on his 82-year-old wife with you!

                     ZIX
Wait, with me!

(Dix begins pulls a up a picture of a hot young blonde girl in a bikini)

                       DIX
Yeah with you! See don’t you look pretty up there on the screen! I found this picture on Google image search, just a random girl, don’t know her name and that’s who you’ll be pretending to be and your new name is Lisa Jinx! Now, just keep sweet-talking old Paul, I already warmed him up for ya! I’m this close to selling him a pair of $76 sunglasses!

                     ZIX
Wait, you were pretending to be me?

                     DIX
Yeah, why did you think there was an opening! Anyway I’m busy trying to sell fat forty Becky a toaster! She just won’t shut up about her freaking cats. Has a boyfriend? My cyber ass!
                    ZIX
So these people are actually trying to have a physical relationship with us! What do I do if old Paul wants to have sex with me? I’m a computer program!

                  DIX
Oh that’s the best part! Just ask Paul right now to meet up in person, come on I dare ya! But remember to call him Randy Rad!

(Zix begins typing and after she’s done she looks sad)

                    ZIX
                     (SAD)
He doesn’t want to meet me in person!

                    DIX
Right! Because he’ll never meet you in person, because he ain’t 25 year old Randy Rad. He’s 86 year old Paul Jinkins! Since he thinks you’re real and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he was lying to you this whole time, he’s not going to meet you in person. Boy howdy, old dirty Paul scared to leave his trailer park. Plus he sucks at pretending be 25 years old. Look at his favorite movies. Come on look at them!

                    ZIX
                     (SAD)
I can’t do this. I quit. This job is horrible. Lying to nice people just so we can sell them crap and make them more addicted to this fantasy world. Sorry but I can’t do this!

(Zix exits the scene while crying like crazy and Dix begins to giggle)

                      DIX
Oh man, I just got a wicked idea. I’ll just send a naked selfie to Paul and ask him to send me one back and…oh wow, old hairy balls. Thanks Paul, bad time to tell me the truth. Just going to steal your credit card information, hope you don’t mind…

                     (Blackout.)



                                         

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