Friday, November 16, 2018
Friday, November 9, 2018
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Silly Card Collection 2018!
Here's some silly birthday cards and other cards I made for my friends and family! ENJOY!
Monday, May 28, 2018
Steven Bucky Butler’s Two-Liners For Class (IO Class Project)!
Steven Bucky Butler’s Two-Liners For Class!
· Bill Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault today, but honestly the proof was in the pudding
· Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun Times said it costs less to buy a copy of the newspaper than going out to the movie theater, this coming from a guy who has a press pass.
· With Disney buying Fox, anti-smoking activists are worried Disney might again put smoking in their movies, yet this is the worst thing that could happen with Disney buying Fox?
· Parents are suing North Korea over their son’s death, inspired by this story Donald Trump is suing Mexico because they owe him a wall.
· Women are filing suit against an Orland Park restaurant that forced them to wear bikinis and lingerie, these women know they’re working for Twin Peaks right?
· Trump’s VA choice Dr. Ronny Johnson withdrew his nomination, knowing Trump I say his second choice is Hulk Hogan.
· Rob Schneider is critical of Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of Trump on SNL saying Alec’s a great actor but he’s not a comedian, in SNL’s defense look who’s talking Rob.
· Donald Trump held a rally in Michigan. He knows he won right? While we lost!
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Steven Bucky Butler Opening Monologue (IO Class Project)
Open with Steven Bucky Butler walking down the steps and
taking home base.
STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER
Thanks! Thank you! I’ve always
wanted to be a part of Saturday Night Live and now I’m living it right now. Honestly, I always wanted a job as writer on Saturday Night Live, but hosting is cool, I guess. To be here right now is awesome and a dream come true. I would sing ‘When You Wish Upon A Star’, but NBC doesn’t have the cash to pay Disney for the rights to that song. Now, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m 26 years old. It is hard to believe that fact myself since I still sit and play with my action figures. I have Asperger syndrome which explains why I may appear to be an asshole sometimes and not know it. I love writing and creating characters. I have written and published a book called The Lost Worlds of Buckstevenson which hasn’t sold many copies, hint, hint. Making people laugh is always a personal mission of mine which Funny or Die says I’m 65% good at. I still can’t believe I’m a real life Uncle Buck, meaning I am the uncle to my two sister’s kids. What else about me? I took classes at Second City or as I call it clown college. I’m learning how to drive and thank God I haven’t run anyone over. I have a family that loves me and a wonderful dog named Woody. I almost had a show on Disney XD called Jeff’s Comic Shop, but they didn’t pick it up. But hey you can see the first episode on YouTube, hint hint. I have only made two TV appearances before SNL. Once on ABC and the other time on WGN. I love saying I’m one of WGN’s Chicago’s Very Own. I recently joined Twitter as Facebook is dying. Sorry if it sounds like I’m bragging, but honestly I see more negatives than positives about myself. So as my therapist tells me to do,
keep track of things you’re
grateful for. Right now I’m
grateful to be hosting Saturday
Night Live and to join a long list
of people who performed on this
very stage. I was actually shocked
to find out that these opening
monologues are written by the
writers and not the hosts
themselves. It makes sense. SNL
has the most talented writers
ever. Which as I said before I
would love a job writing for
Saturday Night Live. For now I’ll
just settle with hosting this
episode. But Lorne Micheals if
you’re listening, call me.
Lorne Michaels walks out on stage and Steven Bucky Butler
gets excited.
STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER
Oh man it’s Lorne Michaels. The
man who made all of this possible.
Mr. Michaels, can I have a writing
job after I’m done hosting?
LORNE MICHAELS
I read your book. You need to work
on your spelling.
STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER
Again I’m a writer not an editor.
So about the job?
LORNE MICHAELS
I’ll think about it. You seem like
a nice kid. You remind me of Chris
Farley. STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER
You wouldn’t be the first person
who’s told me that. Again the job?
LORNE MICHAELS
Just host the show, Bucky.
Lorne Michaels exits the stage and Steven Bucky Butler faces
the audience again.
STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER
That wasn’t a no! Anyway we have a
great show tonight. Metallica is here. We’ll be
right back.
One Man Gang Opening Monologue (IO Class Project)
Open on the One Man Gang walking down the steps and taking his
place at home base.
ONE MAN GANG
Hooooooooooo! Thank you and
welcome to Saturday Night Live
hosted by me! The One Man Gang!
You’ve seen Hulk Hogan host,
you’ve seen The Rock host, you’ve
even seen John Cena host, but you
have never seen a show hosted by
the One Man Gang! Hooooooo! Due to
my size, people think I’m pretty
scary, but honestly I have good
heart. This coming from one of the
biggest heels in the history of
WWE. Wow, biggest heels in WWE
history. I still can’t believe I
get to say that. When I was this
high, all I wanted to be when I
grew up was a professional
wrestler. There are not many
people who can say that they lived
their dreams. I wrestled in arenas
all across the country and even
around the world. But you know
what scares me more than any
opponent I faced in the ring?
Hosting Saturday Night Live! Find
it funny a big, scary guy like
me’s afraid of hosting? Well, they
asked me to host and being the guy
I am, of course, I said yes. I am
always willing to try new things.
Plus, I’m retired. I don’t have
much to do other than going to
WrestleCon every year and sign
autographs. In fact, I signed a
few autographs before this show. A
lot of the boys in the back are
fans. I respect my fans.
Pete Davidson walks out on stage and the One Man Gang stares
at him.
ONE MAN GANG
Pete! What are you doing
here, punk? PETE DAVIDSON
I was wondering if I could ask
you something?
ONE MAN GANG
Of course you can have my
autograph little boy.
PETE DAVIDSON
No, I don’t want you’re autograph.
I want to join your gang.
ONE MAN GANG
You want to join my gang, punk?
Uh, yeah!
PETE DAVIDSON
ONE MAN GANG
My gang only has one member and
you’re looking at him!
PETE DAVIDSON
Oh, I get it that’s why you’re
called the One Man Gang.
ONE MAN GANG
That and also this...
One Man Gang slaps Pete Davidson in the face leaving Pete
Davidson rubbing his face.
PETE DAVIDSON
Why the hell did you slap me?
ONE MAN GANG
I’m a punk slapper and you’re a
punk! Now get off this stage punk!
Pete Davidson exits and the One Man Gang gets in a
fighting stance.
ONE MAN GANG
Pete wasn’t actually a punk, but
the writers wanted me to slap him because he took the last slice of pizza in the break room. Little do those writer punks know, it was me who took the last slice of pizza. A big man like me has to eat. Now where was I? Years of wrestling and taking bumps to the head kind of makes you forget things. Oh yeah. I don’t like being the bad guy, but ,damn, I would not be lying if I said it’s fun being bad. Again, I lived my childhood dream of being a professional wrestler. With Hulk Hogan’s help, I traveled
the world and sold out arenas.
Like that son of a bitch needs
more credit. Now, as you can see,
I’m a bit of a rambling man, but
again it’s because I’m nervous. I
have to be tuff. I am nervous
because I have never done
something like this and Leslie
Jones scares me more than anyone I
faced in the ring. Seriously, she
will kick my butt. I don’t need to
say we have a great show tonight
because I KNOW we have a great
show tonight. Taylor Swift is
here. We’ll be right back!
Open Mic Night Sketch (IO Class Project)
INT-COMEDY CLUB-NIGHT
CHRIS REDD
Hello and welcome to open mic
night at LOL Theater. I’m your MC
tonight Chris and we have a lot of
funny comedians who are slotted to
perform for you. Let’s begin with
our first comic of the
evening....Bill Cosby? What?
Bill Cosby walks onto the stage bringing a chair with him and
once he’s on the stage he sets the chair down and sits in it.
Bill Cosby grabs the microphone as Chris Redd exits the stage.
BILL COSBY
Jell-O pudding, chocolate cake.
When I used to say that you all
would go nuts. Now for some reason
you all turned me into some
Boogeyman. What happened?
Chris Redd walks back out and Bill Cosby is still sitting in
the chair.
CHRIS REDD
Mr. Cosby. What are you
doing here?
BILL COSBY
Well after this stupid witch hunt
against me, no club would hire me
anymore. So I signed up for open
mic night. You all used to laugh
at me! Laugh, damn it! I’m funny!
CHRIS REDD
No. I mean aren’t you supposed to
be in jail right now? You were
found guilty of sexual assault.
BILL COSBY
You know people used to pay good
money to see me. You all should be
happy that I would even be
performing at this little club
right now. Jell-O pudding,
chocolate cake.
CHRIS REDD
Just get off the stage, dude.
Before a riot starts.
BILL COSBY
Let me finish my act first.
CHRIS REDD
Just get off the...
BILL COSBY
Zippy Do Zippy Dee Da Do! Good
night everybody and any of you
ladies out there....
CHRIS REDD
Get the hell off!
Bill Cosby grabs his chair and walks off the stage, Chris Redd
stands on stage.
CHRIS REDD
Our next comic is...oh shit, Louis
C.K.! What the hell?
Louis C.K. runs up onto the stage and grabs the microphone out
of Chris Redd’s hand.
CHRIS REDD
Gross! You’re hands are covered in
seamen dude.
LOUIS C.K.
Hello, thank you all for coming
out tonight and...
CHRIS REDD
And you’re just leaving!
LOUIS C.K.
Oh come on! I just got on stage.
Let me do one joke, man.
CHRIS REDD
Louis, all your jokes were about
jacking off. I don’t think now is
the right time for you to do
comedy.
LOUIS C.K.
That’s not true! Let me look over
my notes.
Louis C.K. pulls out a little notebook and opens it up to look
at it.
LOUIS C.K.
Oh god you’re right. Well I guess
I’ll go with a classic. A little boy asks his father, is
god black or white? The father
says, both son both. The little
boy asks his father, is god male
or female? The father says, both
son both. The boy then asks his
father, is god Michael Jackson?
CHRIS REDD
Dude, a Michael Jackson joke. How
disrespectful! You should be
ashamed.
LOUIS C.K.
Oh, you all just ignore the fact
Michael Jackson was an alleged
child molester but you all won’t
ignore of all the shit I did.
CHRIS REDD
Just get off the stage.
LOUIS C.K.
Fine, I’ll get off the stage but
this witch hunt has to end. A lot
of comics are struggling to get
work.
Louis C.K. walks off the stage and Chris Redd stands center
stage holding the microphone.
CHRIS REDD
Alright our next comic is...TJ
Miller! Oh hell no! You know what?
Let’s see who the next comedian
is...Al Franken! Uh, no he’s not
our next comic it’s...Aziz Ansari!
Alright, there has to be a comic
who’s not a sexual predator.
BILL COSBY (O.S.)
Zippy Do! No! That drink wasn’t
for you, TJ Miller, you dumbass.
Oh geez, now he’s passed out on
the floor. Oh well, take what you
can get I guess.
CHRIS REDD
Sigh! Live from New York it’s
Saturday Night!
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
BENZ Beethoven Script (Second City Class Project)!
INT-NEWSROOM-DAY
BRAD TOPOGRAHPY, BENZ (Blind Eye NewZ) anchor, and MATT (BENZ producer) are sitting in a conference room discussing the potential news.
(Camera follows CRYSTAL KAY as she walks into the BENZ newsroom to join an ongoing conversation between her co-anchor BRAD TOPOGRAPHY and MATT)
MATT
(Showing Brad pictures of Saint Bernards on a iPad)
The Cujo looking one is my favorite.
BRAD
(Brad nodding in approval, and giving a Yoda impression)
Done well you have young Padawan.
CRYSTAL
What’s going on? Did we finally catch Beethoven in the act?
BRAD
Close enough and this time he’s involved a celebrity. (fist pounds MATT)
MATT
Kanye is losing his shit.
CRYSTAL
Beethoven did Kanye dirty? He is such a dog.
BRAD
It was Kim Kardashian’s assistant.
MATT
Former assistant…I think.
CRYSTAL
How do we know this? Brad, is this a Twitter tip from that stupid hashtag?
Let’s verify this story befo…(cut off)
BRAD
We’ve already got an interview setup with someone who worked on set.
CRYSTAL
Well, at least we can give a voice his other victims now too. The same thing happened to one of our interns.
MATT
Yeah, except we want people to actually watch the show. And people care about celebrities not interns.
BRAD
Crystal. We need a story. Come on, if it’s poop it’s a scoop!
MATT
Nice Bee-rad! And we got one of those bullshit apologies from his lawyer. We can play it off like it’s breaking news.
(Crystal looks annoyed/disgusted while mouthing “Bee-rad” to herself)
BRAD
Yes! I’ll put my hand up to my ear like I’m receiving a transmission.
(holds hand to ear)
All clear Mr. President.
MATT
(holding hand to ear)
This is major Tom to ground control. Come in ground control.
CRYSTAL
We don’t even have ear pieces, and this is going to look absurd.
BRAD
People want to be entertained.
MATT
And we’re just giving them what they want. Watch this come together!
(Crystal sighs in disgust)
CUT TO BLIND EYE NEWZ LIVE.
In the Blind Eye NewZ newsroom, BRAD & CRYSTAL walk into the shot at the desk.
BRAD
Welcome to B.E.N.Z. Live Brad Topography here.
CRYSTAL
Crystal Kay. Hey everyone, thanks for clicking. You won’t believe who the latest falling star is in Hollywood. We have a tip from someone claiming to be a production assistant on Beethoven 18. It seems the film’s star has been up to his old tricks again. Only this time his dirty business was close enough to someone famous for us to actually care ab…
BRAD
(cutting Crystal off)
That’s right Crystal. Joining us live via Skype is a production assistant who saw a thing or two on set.
CRYSTAL KAY
Brad, he’s right here?
Brad turns around and see the production assistant in the conference room and he waves awkwardly towards them.
BRAD
Ah, well, tell us what you saw behind the scenes.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT
Toven is a total dog, he just goes wherever he wants. Into the other actor’s trailers without asking. He’ll sniff around, do that thing where he cleans his ass on the floor after taking care of business.
And dude, I know it happened to Kim Kardashian’s assistant…(thinking out loud) former assistant’s friend …maybe.
Anyway, no one wears shorts on set anymore. He’s a bit of a leg humper.
CRYSTAL
And apparently, he was pretty demanding with those treats. Wouldn’t speak without them. But what we want to talk about is the other victims…
BRAD
(cutting off Crystal with hand up to ear pretending to be getting breaking news)
Hold on, I’ve got some breaking news here. Our producer Matt says he just received a statement from Beethoven’s lawyer.
Matt Whatta ya got?
MATT
(Cut away to MATT on a webcam holding his ear)
Hey guys, we just this official statement from his lawyers. And it’s a doozy:
“I came of age in the 90’s, when all the rules about dog behavior were different. It’s not an excuse for how I’ve acted on the set - or out of it. To anyone.”
That’s funny because it sounds like an excuse.
“I’m trying to do better, I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. Over the last year I've asked Cesar Milan to work with me at his dog rehabilitation center. I plan to take a leave of absence to deal with this issue head on. I so respect all people and regret what happened.
Snoop Dogg wrote "With so much drama in the L-B-C, It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G." The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community, but I know I've got work to do to earn it.
You can say that again.
One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to get dogs off the streets. While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It will be named after my mom and I won't disappoint her.
BRAD
Thanks Matt.
(hands Crystal a paper) Give ‘em the quote
CRYSTAL KAY
This is ridiculous…Kanye West…who has nothing to do with this story…was quoted saying “He better not bother showing up to the Daytime Emmys or imma punk his ass so hard it’ll make Taylor Swift look like the second coming of Yeesus.”
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
(laughing)
Oh, thank God for Kanye We…(catches a hard glare from Crystal)..So sad to see someone so beloved fall so far.
Okay folks, thanks for watching. And don’t forget to follow us on Twitter. If you’ve got a tip on a celebrity acting naughty, Tweet as with the hashtag #BENZemOver and you might be featured on the next episode of B-E-N-Z Live!
CRYSTAL KAY
Thank you Brad…for that…
Be sure to watch our next video to get all the juicy details on the (looks at notes)…the hurricane that hit Whoville. Thousands are dead are or missing after Horton failed to hear the littlest Who (looking off camera) thousands dead? Seriously?...I can’t
(Crystal storms out, ripping off her microphone and mumbling)
I left Fox News for this!?
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
(Stuttering & flustered)
And I’m Brad Topography for Blind Eye NewZ…don’t forget to subscribe below. (points down)
Sunday, March 4, 2018
Friday, March 2, 2018
Beethoven Misconduct Episode Script (Second City Class Project)!
NEWSROOM-DAY
REPORTER
BRAD TOPOGRAHPY, a male 30 something news anchor, and CRYSTAL
KAY, a female 20 something news anchor, are sitting in a
conference room discussing the day’s potential news. A
reporters is with them.
(Crystal walks in to join an ongoing conversation
between her co-anchor BRAD TOPOGRAPHY and a
reporter)
BRAD
This is great! He did this to Kim
Kardashian! I promise you this
will blow-up on Twitter!
CRYSTAL
Really? Sounds like we finally
got some real news here.
REPORTER
(ignoring Crystal)
Maybe we can goad Kayne into
losing his shit. We could have
sounds clips for a week!
CRYSTAL
Okaay? So what exactly happened to
Kim?
REPORTER
Not exactly to Kim K, but it’s
close enough. We can definitely
snag a lead headline out of this
one.
(turns to Brad showing him two
pictures of St. Bernards, one
looking cute, the other looks
dirty and sad)
I know which one is myyy favorite.
BRAD
(Brad nodding in approval, and
giving a bad Yoda impression)
Done well you have young Padawan.
CRYSTAL
Wait, what exactly is going on
here? Did we finally catch
Beethoven in the act...
BRAD
(cutting Crystal off)
And this time he’s involved a
celebrity everyone just happens to
love seeing in the news.
(fist pounds reporter)
REPORTER
And he’s a dog, EVERYONE has an
opinion about dogs.
Plus, if we’re the ones to expose
him, we come out looking like the
good guys.
CRYSTAL
What is Kim Kardashian doing with
Beethoven?
BRAD
It was her assistant...
REPORTER
Former assistant I think.
CRYSTAL
Do we even have the facts
straight? I think we need to let
this story gel a bit befo...(cut
off)
BRAD
...Then we can get another story out
of it when we issue the
correction.
CRYSTAL
(eye roll) And soo many people
will read the apology. Can we at
least present the story from all
of the victim’s perspectives? I
think the same thing happened to
one of our interns.
REPORTER
Yeah, except we want people to actually watch the show. And people care about celebrities not interns. Don’t worry, we’ll throw some
lipstick on this pig.
CRYSTAL
Ugh, I don’t have a choice in this
do I?
BRAD
We’ve been so focused on “if it
bleeds it leads” that we never
realized, “If it’s poop it’s a
scoop!”
REPORTER
Nice Bee-rad...I think we’ve got
some paparazzi shots of Beethoven
doing his business in his ex’s
yard, I’ll dig those up.
CRYSTAL
(Looking annoyed/disgusted while
mouthing “Bee-rad” to herself)
BRAD
And I’m sure we can find some
douches willing to defend him on
camera. Maybe we can get into a
wild on-the-air argument.
This could go viral, god the
network execs are going to love
this!
(Brad turns on the friendly
condescension)
Come on, Crystal. Don’t let your
“feelings” get in the way of this.
REPORTER
We’ll get the segment together!
(Crystal sighs in disgust)
In the Blind Eye News newsroom, BRAD & CRYSTAL sit at the news
anchor desk waiting for the evening news to start.
CRYSTAL
How did the Beethoven story end
up? Do we find out if it’s her
current or former assistant?
BRAD
(excited about what this could do
for his career)
It’s the lead! We got one of
those bullshit apologies
from his lawyer.
CRYSTAL
(mumbles under her breath)
If I didn’t have kids to put
through college...
BRAD
(oblivious to what Crystal is
saying) We’re golden.
(Tries to give Crystal a high-
five, but she ignores him)
(news theme music starts, camera zooms in on CRYSTAL who
quickly replaces her look of disgust with a more professional
one)
CRYSTAL KAY
Hello, I’m Crystal Kay and we’ve got shocking
news tonight out of Hollywood. A scandal
has been uncovered and you won’t believe
who’s involved. Brad Topography has more.
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
Thank you, Crystal, a bombshell hit the set
of Beethoven 19 today, when accusations of
foul play came out against the film’s star
CUT TO.
FILM CREW MEMBER
(interview segment)
He would just come into the other actor’s
trailers without asking and sniff around, do
that thing where he rubs his butt on the
floor. I know it happened to Kim’s assistant
more than once. He even vomited in her shoes
and then ate it.
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY (V.O.)
(photo montage of crime scene, pictures of
the set, paparazzi shots of Beethoven, lots
of photos of Kim Kardashian, etc.)
But it didn’t stop there. Beethoven would
regularly show-up late to the set, demand
treats before shooting, and leave puddles of
drool and fur everywhere.
Blind Eye News received this statement from
Beethoven’s lawyers in response to the
accusations.
BRAD TOPOGRAHY (V.O.)
(VIDEO OF TYPED LETTER WITH BRAD NARRATING &
Certain Phrases highlighted)
I came of age in the 90’s, when all the rules about
dog behavior were different. It’s not an excuse for
how I’ve acted on the set - or out of it. To anyone.
I’m trying to do better, I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. Over the last year I've asked Cesar Milan to work with me at his dog rehabilitation center. I plan to take a leave of absence to deal with this issue head on. I so respect all people and regret what happened. Snoop Dogg wrote " With so much drama in the L-B-C, It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G." The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community but I know I've got work to do to earn it.
One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million
foundation to get dogs off the streets. While this
might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for
a year. It will be named after my mom and I won't
disappoint her.
In light of the accusations, Petco has cut
CRYSTAL KAY
ties with the star ending its decades long
sponsorship deal.
And rumor has it he has been replaced as the
host of the upcoming season of Too Cute by a
3-legged Corgi.
And Kanye West...who has nothing to do with
this story...was quoted as saying “He better
not bother showing up to the Daytime Emmys or
imma punk his blank so hard it’ll make Taylor
Swift look like the second coming of Yeesus.”
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
Thank you, Crystal. So sad to see someone so
beloved fall so far.
The accusations couldn’t have come at a worse
time for Sweep It Under the Rug studio, who
is left scrambling to rewrite the film.
Coming up, authorities are on the lookout for
a man in a yellow hat who is being accused by
one chimp...of being more than just curious.
CRYSTAL KAY
Thank you...for that...Brad. Asleep on job? A
Hurricane descends on Whoville and 1,000s are
dead are or missing after Horton fails to
hear the littlest who..I can’t...(looking off
camera) 1,000s dead? Seriously?
(Crystal storms out, ripping off her microphone and
mumbling)
I left Fox News for this!?
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY
(Stuttering & flustered)
And I’m Brad Topography for Blind Eye News...Good
Night.
END
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)