ACT I
Inside of a
huge castle during the middle ages, a king is sitting on his throne being
entertained by his jester a.k.a. the royal fool.
Frankie the Fool
How many
women can our mighty handsome king get?
King Greg
How many can
I get?
Frankie the Fool
As much as
he wants because he’s the greatest king ever! Who wouldn’t want to be with you,
huh?
King Greg is
laughing hysterically while clapping his hands and cheering!
Frankie the Fool
Hey, do you
know how rich and powerful our mighty handsome king is?
King Greg
How rich and
powerful am I?
Frankie the Fool
Why, you’re
so rich and powerful that God himself says, hey, why can’t I be this guy, huh?
King Greg
continues laughing hysterically while clapping his hands and cheering!
Frankie the Fool
Hey, do you
know how many handsome mighty kings it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
King Greg
HOW MANY?
HOW MANY? And also…what is this lightbulb you speak of and where can I get one?
Frankie the Fool
Well it only
takes you my…my….OH FUCK IT…I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE….THESE JOKES SUCK AND YOU
KNOW IT! YOU FAT BEARDED BLOB!!!!
King Greg
WHAT DID YOU
SAY, FOOL?
Frankie the Fool
Look pal,
you know how it feels when a comedian is reduced to this huh! Also you are a
terrible king and you’re married to your cousin!
King Greg
WHAT DID YOU
SAY, FOOL?
Frankie the Fool
Your father
was a better king than you ever could be.
He got it! And you…I mean really
who thinks monarchy is a good government system anyway? I mean really, why is
it that some stupid people think it’s okay to say, wow, this guy, he’s a great
leader. I bet his offspring will be as
great as him! Well, dumbasses, if you know your own family than you know there’s
some winners and a whole lot of losers.
For Christ’s sake look at the Kennedys! Only three of those bastards
turned out alright and then they died anyways!
King Greg
WHAT DID YOU
SAY, FOOL?
Frankie the Fool
I’d rather
be under Communist rule than be a citizen of this shithole of a kingdom! I mean
really, we’re poorer than Togo Republic and they even got bailed out by Mexico
for god’s sake! WHAT IS THIS NORTH FREAKING KOREA!
King Greg
You’re
talking nonsense! MY PEOPLE LOVE ME!
Frankie the Fool
Yeah that’s
because big brother’s always watching them! I mean right now your damn guards are
pointing their crossbows at me, ready to kill me just for telling the damn
truth! Well I’d rather die than keep kissing your fat ass!
King Greg
You may be
right! WHAT WAS I THINKING? I know nothing about politics or running a kingdom!
It was my Dad, he wouldn’t let me do what I’ve always wanted! MY DREAM JOB!
Frankie the Fool
What was
your dream job just out of curiosity?
King Greg
I wanted to
be a veterinarian! I LOVE ANIMALS!
Frankie the Fool
I guess that
explains all the pets you have and how The Black Death hasn’t killed us
already! You really did cure all those rats of the plague, didn’t you? You
really are a great animal doctor!
King Greg
OH, NO, I
HATE RATS! I DIDN’T CURE THEM! I BURNT THEM ALL TO DEATH!
Frankie the Fool
Wow, you
really are an evil bastard, aren’t you? Just kill me right now!
King Greg
WAIT! Before
we kill you! I was wondering what Communist, Togo Republic, and Mexico mean
anyway?
Frankie the Fool
OH, YEAH! I
forgot to tell you, I can see into the future! I’m related to Nostradamus! You
see Mexico and Togo Republic are future countries that won’t exist until
centuries from now! A Communist is basically a guy who likes to share but, is
also a huge dick for some reason. Wouldn’t recommend it!
King Greg
Could you
tell me my future and the future of my kingdom, royal fool?
Frankie the Fool
Well, all of
your children basically die before their 35 years old and your wife leaves you
for her brother, King Friday, who’s the ruler of the Neighborhood of Make
Believe. The people of your kingdom
revolt when we run out of food and basically, I get elected as the first
president of the future country of Foolistan. Foolistan will be where you’re
kingdom sits right now. To sum it up,
you get killed, your wife leaves you, your kids die young, and I become
president and remain one until I’m killed by Ivan the Terrible for a reason
that I don’t yet know!
King Greg
Ivan and
Lenny! KILL HIM!
Frankie the Fool
OH! By the
way Ivan, you’re Ivan the Terrible. You
actually become the future Tsar of Russia after you get laid off due to budget
cuts. Oh, right, you’re going to kill me
now, aren’t you?
Frankie the
Fool gets killed by Ivan and Lenny’s crossbows!
King Greg
Well, now, I
need a new fool. BRING ME JONATHAN WINTERS!
After I grow bored of him, hmm, I guess bring me, I don’t know, Charles
Fleischer or Larry David. Once I am
bored of them, I’ll kill them too! PUT AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST FOR A NEW FOOL, NOW!
But before we go any further, we must tax the people. Next on my list is to kill King Friday. The Fool may just be correct with his
preditctions.
Ivan
So I might
become the Tsar of Russia, too?
King Greg
began to laugh and then he slapped Ivan on the back!
King Greg
OH IVAN! I
DECLARE THEE THE NEW ROYAL FOOL! NOW DANCE MONKEY!
King Greg
pulls out his whip and whips Ivan. Ivan begins to dance!
King Greg
It’s good to
be the king!
THE END!
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