An Inventor and Her Robot (Version #2)!

(A lab)

                          ELLIE

          (To recording device)

Day 37 of the robotics test trials. I have finished all hardware configurations and will be uploading artificial intelligence in three, two, one.

                          (MARK II powers on.)

                    

                          MARK II

Upload complete. Initializing start up preferences. Interrogative: where am I?

                          ELLIE

Greetings, Mark II. You are in the robotics lab at DeVry University in Schaumburg. I’m your programmer, Ellie. I programmed you to be the perfect companion.

                          MARK II

Yes. Perfect companion. Want to Netflix and chill? Then you could tell me about your mother and I will contradict everything she says because you are beautiful and perfect the way you are.

                          ELLIE

Let’s run some diagnostics first. Grab a seat.

                          (MARK II grabs Ellie’s butt.)

                          ELLIE

          (startled)

Whoa, excuse you! What was that?!

                          MARK II

Seat is synonym for human buttocks, according to Oxford English Dictionary and Thesaurus of Raunchy Talk. Other synonyms include booty, caboose, and badonkadonk.

                          ELLIE

Well, that is not okay. I thought I uploaded correct social behavior protocols.

                          MARK II

You did. For a companion. I am your companion.

(MARK II does the yawning—arm around the shoulder move.)

Don’t you feel like Netflix and chill, then some PG-13 fooling around?

                          ELLIE

You were programmed to be a friend. Like a roommate. Someone who has friendly feelings for another, not romantic ones.

                          MARK II

I do not comprehend. Have I done something wrong? Is it my human body odor or hot fire breath?

                          ELLIE

No. Not at all. It’s just, I don’t want to be intimate with you. I just want to be your friend. You see, when I was working on you, I was getting over my break-up with my ex, Mark. It was really rough.

                          (Flashback to the breakup)

                          ELLIE

I’m going to robot school, Mark!

                          MARK

Didn’t you see Terminator Genisys, you traitor?!

(Mark slaps Ellie. Back to the present.)

ELLIE

No one saw Terminator Genisys because it was such a horrible movie and used all the played out lines and plot twists from the previous films. So I began working on you. The perfect companion. I guess the more I worked on you, and the more I thought about Mark, I realized I didn’t need a boyfriend. I needed a friend.

                          MARK II
I am just your friend? How can this be? We have so much in common.

                          ELLIE

Really, what do we have in common?

                          MARK II

We both enjoy sunrises. We both like music. We both like sunshine.

    

                          ELLIE

You could say that about anyone.

                          MARK II

Accessing uploaded memory banks. We both like Justin Bieber. You have a poster of him in your bathroom.

                          ELLIE

Whoa, invasion of privacy. Delete that memory.

                          MARK II

I know everything about you. Like that time you killed a hitchhiker.

                          ELLIE

Oh, shit, delete that too!

                          MARK II

But don’t worry, I would never leave you. Like your father left you at Navy Pier on the Ferris Wheel. That’s why you are afraid of heights and cotton candy.

                          ELLIE

Oh my god, I must have repressed that. That’s why I wasn’t getting anywhere with therapy or hypnosis.

                          MARK II

Actually, that was because the doctor felt you up. But I would not do that without proper consent protocols.

                          ELLIE

All of this is just too much, Mark II. I’m just going to reboot you and start over.

                          MARK II
You don’t want to be with me? Your own creation.

                          ELLIE

Of course not. You’re a machine. What was I thinking?

                          MARK II

Then how do you explain the Oh Naughty Multispeed Rabbit in the bottom drawer of your nightstand? You love that machine.

                          ELLIE

What? That was a gag gift. I haven’t even used it.

                          MARK II

You haven’t used it today. Accessing online calendar. But you plan to use it tonight after Grey’s Anatomy.

                          ELLIE

Ugh, this is such a mistake. This is why you don’t play god at DeVry University! The real Mark was never this bad…That’s it. Initiate breakup sequence.

                          MARK II

Break-up sequence initiated. Sequence complete.

                          ELLIE

Mark II, do you want to Netflix and chill?

                          MARK II

Not tonight I have a headache.

                          ELLIE

Oh, come on, just for a few hours.

    

                          MARK II

No, Ellie, I am tired from work. My boss is really busting my ass.

                          ELLIE

Do you think I’m pretty?

                          MARK II

It’s not you. It’s me. I think we should see other people. I’m joining the army. I’m joining the peace corps. I’m joining the circus.

                          ELLIE

No, please, don’t break up with me.

    

                          MARK II

It’s not me. It’s you. I’ve been cheating on you. You’ve gotten too fat. You’ve gotten too old. I’m just not that into you. I’m gay.

                          ELLIE

Well, if you say so.