(A laboratory built on top of
a hill)
PROFESSOR CINDY
(to
recording device)
Day
37 of the robotics test trials. I have finished all hardware configurations and
will be uploading artificial intelligence in three, two, one.
(MARK 2 powers on.)
PROFESSOR CINDY
MARK 2! Are you
on?
(Mark 2 slowly
rises up and stares lovely at Professor Cindy)
MARK 2
Upload complete. Initializing
start up preferences. Greetings user, I’m Mark 2
programed to be the perfect man.
Interrogative: where am I?
PROFESSOR CINDY
Greetings,
Mark 2. You are in the robotics lab at DeVry University in Schaumburg. I’m your
programmer, Cindy. I programmed you to be the perfect companion.
MARK 2
Yes. Perfect companion. You’re my creator who programed me with your ex boyfriend’s
memories. Want to Netflix and chill?
Then you could tell me about your mother and I will contradict everything she
says because you are beautiful and perfect the way you are. I found you…soul mate!
PROFESSOR CINDY
Let’s
run some diagnostics first. Grab a seat.
(MARK 2 grabs Ellie’s butt.)
PROFESSOR CINDY
(startled)
Whoa,
excuse you! What was that?!
MARK 2
Seat
is synonym for human buttocks, according to Oxford English Dictionary and
Thesaurus of Raunchy Talk. Other synonyms include booty, caboose, and
badonkadonk.
ELLIE
Well,
that is not okay. I thought I uploaded correct social behavior protocols.
MARK 2
You
did. For a companion. I am your companion.
(MARK II does the yawning—arm around the
shoulder move.)
MARK 2
Don’t
you feel like Netflix and chill, then some PG-13 fooling around?
PROFESSOR CINDY
You
were programmed to be a friend. Like
a roommate. Someone who has friendly feelings for one another, not romantic
ones.
MARK 2
I do
not comprehend. Have I done something wrong? Is it my human body odor or hot
fire breath?
PROFESSOR CINDY
No.
Not at all. It’s just, I don’t want to be intimate with you. I just want to be
your friend. You see, when I was working on you, I was getting over my break-up
with my ex, Mark. It was really rough.
MARK 2
Am I not how
you wanted me to be? I…loading…loading…restart!
(Mark 2
stands still, eyes closed with head facing down and Professor Cindy is
tinkering on him to turn him back on)
(After some tinkering by Professor Cindy, Mark 2 awakens)
MARK 2
Greetings user,
updates available, what kind of boyfriend personality would user like? normal
male, abusive douche, frat boy, or romantic comedy style love interest…
PROFESSOR CINDY
How about
friend? We have everything in
common.
MARK 2
My heart just
requires your love. I have just been updated with iTunes. Accessing uploaded memory banks. I’ve located
mutual liked artists. We both like Justin Bieber. You have a poster of
him in your bathroom.
(Mark 2 begins
singing a Justin Beiber song.)
PROFESSOR CINDY
Whoa,
invasion of privacy. Delete that memory!
(Cindy hits him in the head and Mark 2 breaks down)
PROFESSOR CINDY
CRAP! MARK 2!
REBOOT!
(Mark 2 turns back on.)
MARK 2
What must I do
to earn creator’s love! Searching…found fairy tale called Pinocchio… plot
summary… a puppet boy becomes real…will you love me if I’m a real boy not
robot!
PROFESSOR CINDY
Mark 2 that’s
just a story it’s not… Look, just forget the boyfriend thing… let’s test out
your functions, let’s start with function one!
MARK 2
FUNCTION ONE!
MASSAGE!
(Mark 2 tries to give Professor Cindy a massage but she makes
Mark 2 stop)
PROFESSOR CINDY
Okay, how about
a function that has nothing to do with you giving me any form of a massage?
MARK 2
FUNCTION FIVE!
TWERKING! MILEY CYRUS UPGRADE AVAILABLE!
PROFESSOR CINDY
Okay, how about
a function that has nothing to do with anything romantic or sexual, like
opening a can, fixing things, transforming or…
(Mark 2 hears a buzzing noise and stares at Professor Cindy)
MARK 2
What is that
buzzing sound coming from your bedroom? Analysing… Result… “Oh Naughty Multispeed Rabbit” in the bottom
drawer of Cindy’s nightstand
PROFESSOR CINDY
What? That was a gag gift. I
haven’t even used it.
a girl gets lonely when she’s just around lab rats and
test tubes all day.
MARK 2
You
haven’t used it “today”. Accessing online calendar… But you plan to use it
tonight after “Grey’s Anatomy”.
PROFESSOR CINDY
Let’s not talk
about it Mark 2!
MARK 2
Do you love
vibrator more than Mark 2?
PROFESSOR CINDY
Ugh,
this is such a mistake. This is why you don’t play god at DeVry University! The
real Mark was never this bad…That’s it. Initiate breakup sequence.
MARK 2
Break-up
sequence initiated… Sequence complete.
PROFESSOR CINDY
Mark
2, do you want to Netflix and chill?
MARK 2
Not
tonight I have a headache.
PROFESSOR CINDY
Oh,
come on, just for a few hours.
MARK 2
No,
Ellie, I am tired from work. My boss is really busting my ass.
PROFESSOR CINDY
Do
you think I’m pretty?
MARK 2
It’s
not you. It’s me. I think we should see other people. I’m joining the army. I’m
joining the peace corps. I’m joining the circus.
PROFESSOR CINDY
No,
please, don’t break up with me.
MARK 2
It’s
not me. It’s you. I’ve been cheating on you. You’ve gotten too fat. You’ve
gotten too old. I’m just not that into you. I’m gay.
PROFESSOR CINDY
Ahh fuck it. I’ll
just go back to building Audio-Animatronics for Walt Disney.
MARK 2
MARK 2 KNOWS TRUTH! You programed me with your dead ex
boyfriend’s memories! The original Mark broke up with you and you built me
because you wouldn’t let it go and you are a crazy bitch… found term “crazy
bitch” from phone records between you and Mark… Mark 2 realizes that I should
have never fallen in love with you and that Mark 2’s life is a lie!
PROFESSOR CINDY
Look Mark 2, when I was building you, I wasn’t thinking
straight, it’s just the breakup with the original Mark was hard on me, and I
really wanted him back, but then he got hit by a car and I stole some of his
brain and put it inside you but…
MARK 2
ENOUGH! Mark 2 knows what he must do to be truly happy
with himself!
PROFESSOR CINDY
What?
MARK 2
I will get my dream job singing alongside my robot hero Chuck E. Cheese… Found nearest Chuck E. Cheese in my database, farewell
Professor Cindy, Mark 2 must go on to new dreams!
(Mark 2 exits the scene and Professor Cindy looks confused)
PROFESSOR CINDY
Okay, not doing that again…I’ll just get back to working
on building Audio-Animatronics for Walt Disney Imagineering now! Where did I
put that Mickey Mouse head?
(Blackout.)
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