(Inside
an underground bomb shelter)
(Randy
and Jed are sitting around the bomb shelter bored)
RANDY
You want to play cards
again, Jed?
JED
(YELLING)
Hell no! Why of all the
people in the world did I have to get stuck with you?
RANDY
Well, I happened to be
near the bomb shelter you built and you let me in. After the zombie outbreak
and the nukes were launched, we were all scrambling for shelter and well…again
this is all too depressing. Maybe we can
get the N64 to work, huh? Want to play some GoldenEye 007, Jed?
JED
(CRYING)
Why didn’t I get a woman
in here? Now I’m stuck with some 30-year-old nerdy ass bastard!
RANDY
Look Jed, I don’t like
being stuck with you either, but we’re probably the last men on Earth. We won’t
be able to return to the surface for a while. Want me to make you some chili?
You look like you want some chili.
(Randy
begins looking through the can foods and finds the chili)
(Randy
opens the can of chili and begins cooking it in a microwave oven)
RANDY
Kind of ironic that we
have a microwave oven down here. What
with a nuclear war having just happened and all, a microwave would almost seem
like a warning sign to humanities downfall! Heck, I bet I can cook this chili
outside because outside will probably have the same amount of radiation that’s
inside our microwave.
(Jed
is ignoring Randy and reading a Playboy magazine)
JED
(TO HIMSELF)
Hello Miss March! Let’s
see what you’re up to!
(Randy
rolls his eyes and then Randy hears knocking)
RANDY
(SCARED)
Jed, did you hear that?
(Jed
drops his Playboy magazine and grabs his rifle)
JED
I heard it too! I’ll open
the door and take care of the problem!
(Jed
climbs a ladder and Randy hears Jed scream with joy)
JED
(SCREAMING WITH JOY)
Randy, God has answered my
prayers! Look what I found!
(Jed
and Wendy climb down the ladder together and Randy looks shocked)
RANDY
(SHOCKED)
Oh my god! Another
survivor! Who are you and thank goodness you found us!
WENDY
My name is Wendy and I was
in a hospital and when I awoke I found the world in ruins. What happened?
JED
Miss Wendy, you haven’t
heard? The three of us have survived the apocalypse. The world ended, but now
it’ll begin again!
WENDY
(FREAKING OUT)
What do you mean the world
has ended? How long have I been in a coma? Oh my god! My family! Everybody I
knew is—
JED
Dead! Of course they are!
It’s only the three of us! Now let’s have sex and what-ca-ma call it?
Repopulate the Earth! Come on baby! Let’s get busy!
WENDY
(CRYING)
But, I don’t want to
repopulate the Earth with you or your friend! Are you two seriously the last
men on Earth?
RANDY
Well, I suppose there’s a
slim chance if you survived then I guess there might be more survivors. When the
radiation levels go down, we can go looking for other survivors!
JED
Nah, don’t listen to old
Randy! Everyone’s dead! Now let’s fuck!
WENDY
Oh, suddenly I’m feeling
sick! And my leg hurts!
(Wendy
begins to feel dizzy and Randy looks at her leg then screams)
RANDY
(SCREAMING)
Jed, look at her leg! A
zombie has bitten her! She’s turning into a zombie, man! Quick grab your rifle and
kill her!
JED
Nah, she ain’t no zombie!
Look at her! She’s fine!
(Wendy
begins to behave like a zombie and slowly gets closer to Jed)
WENDY
(YELLING IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Brains! Brains! Brains!
JED
Oh, ain’t that cute. She
wants to name our three kids Brian. They’ll be fine sons!
(Wendy
bites Jed on the arm and Jed screams)
RANDY
(SCREAMING)
Oh my god! Jed! Wendy bit
you! You’ll turn into a zombie too! That’s it!
(Randy
grabs Jed’s rifle and points it at Jed and Wendy)
JED
Hey man! What are you
doing! I feel fine! Don’t do anything crazy now!
RANDY
Oh, I’m going to do
something crazy all right! Good-bye Jed! And Wendy, I didn’t know you that well,
so I could care less about how you feel!
JED
(CRYING)
No Randy, don’t kill me!
(Randy
points the rifle at himself and shoots himself)
JED
(CRYING)
Randy, why did you shoot
yourself? No! Damn it! I was beginning to like you!
(Randy
slowly begins to get back up)
JED
Randy! You’re alive! But I
thought you done and killed yourself! How are you alive?
RANDY
(YELLING IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Brains! Brains! Brains!
JED
Oh shoot! By killing
yourself you done and turned yourself into a zombie too! Wow, you really are a
good…gee I ain’t feeling too good!
(Jed
passes out and when he gets back up, he finally turned into a zombie)
JED
(YELLING IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Brains!
WENDY
(YELLING IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Brains!
(The microwave dings)
RANDY
(YELLING IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Chili!
(Walter
climbs down the ladder and enters the bomb shelter)
WALTER
Hello, my name is Walter!
I saw your bomb shelter door was opened and I figured you were other survivors.
Could I stay here with you?
RANDY
(IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Chili!
WENDY
(IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Brains!
JED
(IN A ZOMBIE VOICE)
Chili, brains and Walter!
WALTER
Uh oh!
(Blackout.)
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