Sunday, March 4, 2018
Friday, March 2, 2018
BRAD TOPOGRAHPY, a male 30 something news anchor, and CRYSTAL KAY, a female 20 something news anchor, are sitting in a conference room discussing the day’s potential news. A reporters is with them.
(Crystal walks in to join an ongoing conversation between her co-anchor BRAD TOPOGRAPHY and a reporter)
BRAD This is great! He did this to Kim
Kardashian! I promise you this will blow-up on Twitter!
CRYSTAL Really? Sounds like we finally
got some real news here.
REPORTER (ignoring Crystal)
Maybe we can goad Kayne into losing his shit. We could have sounds clips for a week!
CRYSTAL Okaay? So what exactly happened toKim?
Not exactly to Kim K, but it’s close enough. We can definitely snag a lead headline out of this one.
(turns to Brad showing him two pictures of St. Bernards, one looking cute, the other looks dirty and sad)
I know which one is myyy favorite.
(Brad nodding in approval, and giving a bad Yoda impression)
Done well you have young Padawan.
Wait, what exactly is going on here? Did we finally catch Beethoven in the act...
BRAD (cutting Crystal off)
And this time he’s involved a celebrity everyone just happens to love seeing in the news.
(fist pounds reporter)
And he’s a dog, EVERYONE has an opinion about dogs.
Plus, if we’re the ones to expose him, we come out looking like the good guys.
What is Kim Kardashian doing with Beethoven?
BRAD It was her assistant...
REPORTER Former assistant I think.
Do we even have the facts straight? I think we need to let this story gel a bit befo...(cut off)
...Then we can get another story out of it when we issue the correction.
(eye roll) And soo many people will read the apology. Can we at least present the story from all of the victim’s perspectives? I
think the same thing happened to one of our interns.
Yeah, except we want people to actually watch the show. And people care about celebrities not interns. Don’t worry, we’ll throw some
lipstick on this pig.
Ugh, I don’t have a choice in this do I?
We’ve been so focused on “if it bleeds it leads” that we never realized, “If it’s poop it’s a scoop!”
Nice Bee-rad...I think we’ve got some paparazzi shots of Beethoven doing his business in his ex’s yard, I’ll dig those up.
(Looking annoyed/disgusted while mouthing “Bee-rad” to herself)
And I’m sure we can find some douches willing to defend him on camera. Maybe we can get into a wild on-the-air argument.
This could go viral, god the network execs are going to love this!
(Brad turns on the friendly condescension)
Come on, Crystal. Don’t let your “feelings” get in the way of this.
We’ll get the segment together!
(Crystal sighs in disgust)
In the Blind Eye News newsroom, BRAD & CRYSTAL sit at the news anchor desk waiting for the evening news to start.
CRYSTAL How did the Beethoven story end
up? Do we find out if it’s her current or former assistant?
(excited about what this could do for his career)
It’s the lead! We got one of those bullshit apologies from his lawyer.
CRYSTAL (mumbles under her breath)
If I didn’t have kids to put through college...
BRAD (oblivious to what Crystal is
saying) We’re golden.
(Tries to give Crystal a high- five, but she ignores him)
(news theme music starts, camera zooms in on CRYSTAL who quickly replaces her look of disgust with a more professional one)CRYSTAL KAY
Hello, I’m Crystal Kay and we’ve got shocking news tonight out of Hollywood. A scandal has been uncovered and you won’t believe who’s involved. Brad Topography has more.
Thank you, Crystal, a bombshell hit the set of Beethoven 19 today, when accusations of foul play came out against the film’s star
FILM CREW MEMBER (interview segment)
He would just come into the other actor’s trailers without asking and sniff around, do that thing where he rubs his butt on the floor. I know it happened to Kim’s assistant more than once. He even vomited in her shoes and then ate it.
BRAD TOPOGRAPHY (V.O.)
(photo montage of crime scene, pictures of the set, paparazzi shots of Beethoven, lots of photos of Kim Kardashian, etc.)
But it didn’t stop there. Beethoven would regularly show-up late to the set, demand treats before shooting, and leave puddles of drool and fur everywhere.
Blind Eye News received this statement from Beethoven’s lawyers in response to the accusations.
BRAD TOPOGRAHY (V.O.)
(VIDEO OF TYPED LETTER WITH BRAD NARRATING & Certain Phrases highlighted)
I came of age in the 90’s, when all the rules about dog behavior were different. It’s not an excuse for how I’ve acted on the set - or out of it. To anyone.
I’m trying to do better, I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. Over the last year I've asked Cesar Milan to work with me at his dog rehabilitation center. I plan to take a leave of absence to deal with this issue head on. I so respect all people and regret what happened. Snoop Dogg wrote " With so much drama in the L-B-C, It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G." The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community but I know I've got work to do to earn it.
One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to get dogs off the streets. While this
might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It will be named after my mom and I won't disappoint her.
In light of the accusations, Petco has cut
ties with the star ending its decades long sponsorship deal.
And rumor has it he has been replaced as the host of the upcoming season of Too Cute by a 3-legged Corgi.
And Kanye West...who has nothing to do with this story...was quoted as saying “He better not bother showing up to the Daytime Emmys or imma punk his blank so hard it’ll make Taylor Swift look like the second coming of Yeesus.”
Thank you, Crystal. So sad to see someone so beloved fall so far.
The accusations couldn’t have come at a worse time for Sweep It Under the Rug studio, who is left scrambling to rewrite the film.
Coming up, authorities are on the lookout for a man in a yellow hat who is being accused by one chimp...of being more than just curious.
Thank you...for that...Brad. Asleep on job? A Hurricane descends on Whoville and 1,000s are dead are or missing after Horton fails to hear the littlest who..I can’t...(looking off camera) 1,000s dead? Seriously?
(Crystal storms out, ripping off her microphone and mumbling)
I left Fox News for this!?
(Stuttering & flustered)
And I’m Brad Topography for Blind Eye News...Good Night.
Two guys MACK, a male hipster, and EDDY, a male nerd, are standing in front of a green screen filming a Youtube video together.
MACK What’s up? I’m Mack!
EDDY And I’m Eddy!
MACK Welcome to News Jam! Do you know
what happened today, Eddy?
EDDY What Mack?
MACK Ever heard of the DC Comics
EDDY I know he’s a superhero who’s even
lamer than Aquaman. All Hawkman does is fly!
MACK Oh, no, he doesn’t just fly
anymore. Like other recent superheroes in the news, it has come to light that dear old Hawkman jerked off in the wrong place.
EDDY What? Did Hawkman jerk off inthe sky?
MACK Well actually Hawkman has been
filming countless women using the Burger King bathroom. Hawkman owns said Burger King, and he jerks off to the videos of the ladies doing their business.
EDDY I bet this story even get’s
crazier, right Mack?
MACK Indeed Eddy.(MORE)
MACK (CONT’D) Along with jerking off to videos
of women using a Burger King bathroom, it has come to light he jerked off in front of countless female members of both the Justice League and The Avengers. Using his rank in said teams to his advantage, he forced the likes of Wonder Woman and Black Widow to watch him masterbate for hours on end.
EDDY Like what woman would want to
watch Hawkman jerk off?
MACK Yes, indeed Eddy, that looks to be
like an awful sight. Just seaman and feathers everywhere. He has already been kicked out of both the Justice League and The Avengers for his actions and his recent movie deal was scrapped. But as we continue The Hawkman Jerk Off Scandal, let’s welcome our guest joining us over the phone in this discussion.
EDDY Yes, let’s welcome legendary comic
book artist Rob Liefeld to News Jam. Mr. Liefeld can you hear us, buddy?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.) I created Youngblood and Cable!
MACK Indeed you did, Mr. Rob Liefeld.
But isn’t it true you worked alongside Hawkman at DC Comics?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.) I gave Hawkman big ass muscles and
tiny feet and this is how he repays me! Why! Hawkman why!
EDDY Did you have a hand in creating
Hawkman, Mr. Liefeld?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.) No! Gardner Fox created Hawkman
back in the 1940’s. I only create crap.
EDDY That is true, you are only known
for creating junk. But Mr. Liefeld, one last question for our viewers. Since you work directly on the inside, do you know of any other superheroes who haven’t been truly heroic?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.) Well, besides Hawkman, I heard a rumor that Captain America likes
to have Asian girls pee on him. Also, Starfire totally grabbed my ass without my permission.
EDDY Did you report her to HR?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.) No. She said if I report her to HR
she will laser blast my nuts off. Anyway, I got to go! I have more shitty comics to create. Later! Oh and Starfire if you listening...
Rob Liefeld is heard sobbing over the phone before he hangs up.
MACK Truly a dark time to be a
superhero fan, right, Eddy?
EDDY Totally Mack, please remember to
subscribe to our channel and give this video a like. Next week on News Jam, we’ll talk more about Pinocchio’s recent DUI arrest, and how an annoyed Quick Draw McGraw hit a TMZ Reporter with a guitar during an episode of TMZ Live. Goodbye from News Jam. Man, the world is going to hell!