Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
PRIEST FROLLO-He was a former torturer at a medieval dungeon and now the current head writer of a TV sketch comedy series. Torturer, assertive, confident, very religious, old timer, wants to get his job done, doesn’t like sinners.
Jordan-He is a white man with brown buzz-cut hair and he’s a former scientist that worked for a robot company. He’s also a part of a comedy duo called Michael and Jordan and currently works as a comedy writer. Stoner, genius, lonely, flirty, funny, socially awkward, and an asshole.
Gilligan Denver-He’s the former janitor of the Pizza Brothers Chinese/pizza Place and he hates his job and life. Currently works as a comedy writer, grumpy, middle aged, suicidal, depressed, rarely happy, insane, but can hide it well, a loser who was once a successful individual.
Velvet-A former popular girl in high school, a popular girl stereotype, hates her adult life, hasn’t aged well, she’s moody, bossy, basically a bitch and a bully. Currently a comedy writer, but used to be a porn star.
Felicity-She is an evil princess and a witch. She’s was the femme fatal of the Sinisters. She looks and acts like a bitchy supermodel. Retired from a life of super villainy, she is now a feminist comedy writer.
Nancy-A middle aged woman who is overly quirky, a comedy writer who runs a vintage yarn shop on the side, loves to collect typewriters, makes a lot of weird noises and twitches a lot too.
(In a conference room at a local public access TV station studio)
(Priest Frollo is standing up next to a whiteboard with a marker in hand while all the other writers at sitting around the conference room table)
Ladies and gentlemen, we have just finished our first episode of “Public Access 7 Sketch Review” and the network heads, want us, the comedy writers, to write the best sketch to open our second episode with. Even though I hate the fact I have to work with all you sinners on this project, I must put my personal feelings aside because we have to write a sketch that will please our new lords, the network heads. If we don’t turn out at least one good sketch we’re all fired. Now, any ideas? May the lord guide us in the quest for great comedy!
(Gilligan Denver raises his hand)
(WHILE POINTING TO GILLIGAN DENVER)
Yes, Mr. Gilligan Denver. Do you have an idea to offer!
I don’t know anything about comedy writing! This is my third job after working as a janitor at the Pizza Brothers Chinese/pizza Place. But a better question, why is a freaking priest writing comedy?
The lord works in mysterious ways my son! Now do you have any ideas for new comedy sketches?
Are you even listening to me? I have never performed comedy in my life! I delivered a pizza here to this TV station once and they wouldn’t let me leave! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE MY JOB! AND I WANT TO DIE!
Dude, you have pizza! MIND BLOWN!
(POINTING TO JORDAN)
And you smell like marijuana!
You have weed too! Where have you been my whole life man?
(Jordan hugs Gilligan Denver and Gilligan pushes him away)
Excuse me! I ran out of paper for my typewriter? Do we have any more paper?
(Nancy snaps her figures and makes a farting noise with her mouth)
Wow Nerdy Nancy! EVER HEARD OF A LAPTOP MUCH?
Leave Nancy alone, Velvet! I think she should use a typewriter! Before I joined the comedy world, I used to build robots for a living! Let’s just say before we know it, your laptop will soon be typing on you, sister! ROBOT TAKEROVER! I BLEW YOUR MIND! DIDN’T I?
Seriously people, let’s get back to writing a sketch here, but one with strong female characters! For god sake’s between quirky Nancy and porn star Velvet we don’t even have strong powerful female characters here in real life!
Look who’s talking Felicity, I mean an evil, witch, princess super villain! Now, that’s realistic and empowering! Do you hear yourself talk? You think we’re the damn idiots!
(Nancy begins barking like a dog for no reason while Priest Frollo is sniffing his marker)
(WHILE SNIFFING HIS MARKER)
Now back to the task at hand! Let’s write a list of ten! Now, you all say one scene setting and I’ll write it down! Let’s start!
(WHILE WRITING ON THE WHITE BOARD)
NO! Like I have a wicked case of the munchies and could we do a 7-Eleven run!
A movie studio!
Like you’ve ever been to one before, Velvet!
WHATEVER FELICITY! I’m like a movie star!
PORN DOESN’T COUNT VELVET!
A yarn store! I also work at one on the side. Plus my cats and I could use some friends…I mean customers!
(Nancy screams “whoop-poop” while Priest Frollo writes down yarn store on the whiteboard)
Gilligan, you haven’t said anything yet! We need a setting!
HOW ABOUT HELL, FATHER FROLLO! I’LL SEE YOU THERE TOMORROW! BECAUSE I THINK TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT! CAN’T TAKE THIS CRAP ANYMORE! HATE MY LIFE!
That’s not funny Mr. Denver!
I’M NOT BEING FUNNY! I’M PISSED OFF OVER HERE! BEING HERE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF THESE JERKS MAKES ME WANT TO LEAVE THIS HELL HOLE EVEN MORE1 Aw screw it…how about a video store!
(WHILE WRITING ON THE WHITEBOARD)
NICE! COME ON PEOPLE WE NEED 10 IDEAS HERE!
How about a candy store!
WAIT THERE’S CANDY TOO! I LOVE THIS PLACE!
(Felicity looks at her watch and says shit to herself)
CRAP! I forgot I have a meeting with my probation officer today! That’s what I get for working with the Sinisters for three years. Don’t ever be a super villain people! Come on Velvet, I bet you need a ride too!
SHIT! I FORGOT ABOUT MY MEETING WITH MY PROBATION OFFICER TODAY TOO!
Wait, you’re really on parole, too, Velvet? WHY?
Rather not talk about it! But I do need that ride! LATER LOSERS!
(Felicity and Velvet exit the scene and Jordan pulls out a guitar)
Oh here’s something for like the show or something! Me and my comedy partner Michael wrote a song for our comedy duo act and here it is…take it Michael…MICHAEL?
Back in the 80’s I used to be a successful stockbroker! I was banging chicks left and right, and spending money like it was water! Now I’m a prisoner of a local public access TV station! Forced to write comedy sketches against my will! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, MAN!
I THINK YOU SMOKED SOME OF MY WEED GILLIGAN BRO, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED!
DAMN RIGHT I DID JORDAN! I OWE YOU THAT PIZZA!
(Gilligan Denver and Jordan hug and embrace each other while Priest Frollo sighs)
Well, since we didn’t come up with a single sketch, and now with two writers gone, two that are high, and one with a mental problem, I guess we’ll just tell the network to rerun The Donna Reed Show in our timeslot again because as usual we’ve done nothing. Lord knows, I pray we get our act together or else we’ll have to face the fact that we’re probably going to get canceled! Personally, I think we’re already canceled! Well, nice work, everybody, anyway!
(Priest Frollo begins erasing the whiteboard while Gilligan Denver and Jordan share a joint)
DONG DING BA WA! NARF!
(Nancy begins tap dancing for no reason other than the fact she’s quirky and Jordan stares at Gilligan Denver)
SERIOUSLY WHERE’S THAT CANDY PIZZA?