(In
a conference room at a local public access TV station studio)
(Priest
Frollo is standing up next to a whiteboard with a marker in hand while all the
other writers at sitting around the conference room table)
PRIEST FROLLO
Ladies and gentlemen, we
have just finished our first episode of “Public Access 7 Sketch Review” and the
network heads, want us, the comedy writers, to write the best sketch to open
our second episode with. Even though I hate the fact I have to work with all you
sinners on this project, I must put my personal feelings aside because we have
to write a sketch that will please our new lords, the network heads. If we
don’t turn out at least one good sketch we’re all fired. Now, any ideas? May
the lord guide us in the quest for great comedy!
(Gilligan Denver raises his hand)
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE POINTING TO
GILLIGAN DENVER)
Yes, Mr. Gilligan Denver. Do you have
an idea to offer!
GILLIGAN DENVER
I don’t know anything about comedy
writing! This is my third job after working as a janitor at the Pizza Brothers
Chinese/pizza Place. But a better question, why is a freaking priest writing
comedy?
PRIEST FROLLO
The lord works in mysterious ways my
son! Now do you have any ideas for new comedy sketches?
GILLIGAN DENVER
Are you even listening to me? I have never
performed comedy in my life! I delivered a pizza here to this TV station once and
they wouldn’t let me leave! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE MY JOB! AND I WANT TO DIE!
JORDAN
Dude, you have pizza! MIND
BLOWN!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(POINTING TO JORDAN)
And you smell like marijuana!
JORDAN
You have weed too! Where have you been
my whole life man?
(Jordan hugs Gilligan Denver and Gilligan pushes him
away)
NANCY
Excuse me! I ran out of paper for my
typewriter? Do we have any more paper?
(Nancy snaps her figures and makes a farting noise
with her mouth)
VELVET
Wow Nerdy Nancy! EVER HEARD OF A
LAPTOP MUCH?
JORDAN
Leave Nancy alone, Velvet! I think she
should use a typewriter! Before I joined the comedy world, I used to build
robots for a living! Let’s just say before we know it, your laptop will soon be
typing on you, sister! ROBOT TAKEROVER! I BLEW YOUR MIND! DIDN’T I?
FELICITY
Seriously people, let’s
get back to writing a sketch here, but one with strong female characters! For
god sake’s between quirky Nancy and porn star Velvet
we don’t even have strong powerful female characters here in real life!
GILLIGAN DENVER
Look who’s talking Felicity, I mean an
evil, witch, princess super villain! Now, that’s realistic and empowering! Do
you hear yourself talk? You think we’re the damn idiots!
(Nancy begins barking like a dog for no reason while
Priest Frollo is sniffing his marker)
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE SNIFFING HIS
MARKER)
Now back to the task at hand! Let’s
write a list of ten! Now, you all say one scene setting and I’ll write it down!
Let’s start!
JORDAN
7-Eleven!
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE WRITING ON THE
WHITE BOARD)
Good Jordan!
JORDAN
NO! Like I have a wicked case of the
munchies and could we do a 7-Eleven run!
VELVET
A movie studio!
FELICITY
Like you’ve ever been to one before,
Velvet!
VELVET
WHATEVER FELICITY! I’m like a movie
star!
FELICITY
PORN DOESN’T COUNT VELVET!
NANCY
A yarn store! I also work at one on
the side. Plus my cats and I could use some friends…I mean customers!
(Nancy screams “whoop-poop” while Priest Frollo
writes down yarn store on the whiteboard)
PRIEST FROLLO
Gilligan, you haven’t said anything
yet! We need a setting!
GILLIGAN DENVER
HOW ABOUT HELL, FATHER FROLLO! I’LL
SEE YOU THERE TOMORROW! BECAUSE I THINK TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT! CAN’T TAKE THIS
CRAP ANYMORE! HATE MY LIFE!
PRIEST FROLLO!
That’s not funny Mr. Denver!
GILLIGAN DENVER
I’M NOT BEING FUNNY! I’M PISSED OFF
OVER HERE! BEING HERE WITH YOU AND THE REST OF THESE JERKS MAKES ME WANT TO
LEAVE THIS HELL HOLE EVEN MORE1 Aw screw it…how about a video store!
PRIEST FROLLO
(WHILE WRITING ON THE
WHITEBOARD)
NICE! COME ON PEOPLE WE NEED 10 IDEAS
HERE!
FELICITY
How about a candy store!
JORDAN
WAIT THERE’S CANDY TOO! I LOVE THIS
PLACE!
(Felicity
looks at her watch and says shit to herself)
FELICITY
CRAP! I forgot I have a meeting with
my probation officer today! That’s what I get for working with the Sinisters for three years. Don’t ever be a
super villain people! Come on Velvet, I bet you need a ride too!
VELVET
SHIT! I FORGOT ABOUT MY MEETING
WITH MY PROBATION OFFICER TODAY TOO!
FELICITY
Wait, you’re really on
parole, too, Velvet? WHY?
VELVET
Rather not talk about it!
But I do need that ride! LATER LOSERS!
(Felicity and Velvet exit the scene and Jordan
pulls out a guitar)
JORDAN
Oh here’s something for
like the show or something! Me and my comedy partner Michael wrote a song for
our comedy duo act and here it is…take it Michael…MICHAEL?
NANCY
(YELLING)
Na-Nu Na-Nu!
GILLIGAN DENVER
(CRYING)
Back in the 80’s I used to be a successful stockbroker! I was banging
chicks left and right, and spending money like it was water! Now I’m a prisoner
of a local public access TV station! Forced to write comedy sketches against my
will! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME, MAN!
JORDAN
I THINK YOU SMOKED SOME OF MY WEED GILLIGAN BRO, THAT’S WHAT
HAPPENED!
GILLIGAN DENVER
DAMN RIGHT I DID JORDAN! I OWE YOU THAT PIZZA!
(Gilligan Denver and Jordan hug
and embrace each other while Priest Frollo sighs)
PRIEST FROLLO
(ANNOYED)
Well, since we didn’t come up with a single sketch, and now with
two writers gone, two that are high, and one with a mental problem, I guess
we’ll just tell the network to rerun The Donna Reed Show in our timeslot again because
as usual we’ve done nothing. Lord knows, I pray we get our act together or else
we’ll have to face the fact that we’re probably going to get canceled!
Personally, I think we’re already canceled! Well, nice work, everybody, anyway!
(Priest Frollo begins erasing the whiteboard while
Gilligan Denver and Jordan share a joint)
NANCY
(SINGING)
DONG DING
BA WA! NARF!
(Nancy begins tap dancing
for no reason other than the fact she’s quirky and Jordan stares at Gilligan
Denver)
JORDAN
(CONFUSED)
SERIOUSLY
WHERE’S THAT CANDY PIZZA?
(Blackout.)
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