(At
local tavern in Video Game Land)
(Miner
Mike and Captain Rex are sitting together in a booth drinking beer from mugs
and Miner Mike looks like a nervous wreck)
MINER MIKE
(IN A SAD TONE)
I can’t take it any more
man, jump up, jump down, dig a hole, and then go through the temple maze…and
for what? A freaking ruby and kiss from some princess! For 30 years I’ve been
doing this shit and I can’t take it anymore!
CAPTAIN REX
Take it easy Mike, for
god’s sake, look at you. You’re the most famous coal miner in the world. You’re
practically The King of Video Game Land. You’ve done good, Miner Mike.
(Miner
Mike slams his fist on the table in anger)
MINER MIKE
Nah man, I’m a freaking monster,
you know how many lizards I killed Rex? Those poor lizards, at first I’ll admit
it was fun hitting them with my pickaxe…but Rex, those lizards had families and
I took away some kid’s Dad. What did those lizards ever do to me in the first
place? Nothing! They’re just freaking pawns in a weird sick game. IT’S ALL
PLAYER 1’S FAULT ANYWAY!
(Miner
Mike covers his hands over his face while Captain Rex plays with his gun)
CAPTIAN REX
Mike, it’s not Player 1’s
fault, don’t ever say anything bad about Player 1. Those lizards, you know some
of them had more than one life right?
MINER MIKE
I know they have extra
lives! But damn it they still shouldn’t have died man…
(Miner
Mike begins to cry and Captain Rex pats him on the back)
CAPTAIN REX
Mike, seriously, let it
go, you know how many people I killed today in my game? I killed 10,000 Lion
soldiers and do you see me acting like a nervous
wreck? No, because I’m a hero like you! I save my planet from Lucifer Lion and
you save your beautiful girlfriend Princess Tina from the Mummy King.
MINER MIKE
Don’t even get me started on Princess
Tina! Do you ever find it weird that she seems to get kidnapped all the time by
that damn Mummy King? I think she’s cheating on me with that toilet paper
bastard. She doesn’t love me, Rex, she just loves my damn rubies!
CAPTAIN REX
Well, forget about Princess Tina for a
second. Think of the joy you bring to the children every time they play your
game! Wouldn’t that at least put a smile on your ash-covered face?
MINER MIKE
Screw the kids, man, I hate today’s
gamers. With their first person shooters and their non 8-bit graphics! They
don’t give a rat’s ass about me! Plus, I know most of them make me jump off the
cliff on level 2 to watch me die! EVEN KIDS WANT ME DEAD REX!
CAPTAIN REX
You know my game is a first person
shooter…
MINER MIKE
I know, Rex, that’s just
the anger talking. Do you know how worthless your life is when you have 10
extra? I could die right now and it wouldn’t mean shit!
CAPTAIN REX
Okay…how about I buy you
another round of beer! That’ll get you out of your sourpuss mood! HEY ANOTHER
ROUND OF BEERS OVER HERE!
(Kim
Lizard who is a waitress at the tavern comes to our heroes’ booth and she looks
pissed off)
KIM LIZARD
YOU SON OF A BITCH! HOW DARE
YOU SHOW YOUR FACE IN MY TAVERN!
MINER MIKE
Kim, everyday I wished I
didn’t kill your husband Larry…
KIM LIZARD
(ANGRY)
MY HUSBAND’S NAME WAS
KYLE!
MINER MIKE
Sorry, you lizards look
alike to me, but, look, I don’t want any more trouble so…
KIM LIZARD
(ANNOYED)
You killed my husband 3
damn times all because you wanted a freaking ruby! I have four kids without a
Dad because you took him away from us…
MINER MIKE
(PISSED OFF)
Lady, I have Posttraumatic stress disorder from years of killing
lizards in those damn temple mines! What more do you want from me! I know I’m a
damn monster, but lady, hating me won’t bring your kids they’re Daddy back!
KIM LIZARD
(YELLING)
Just get out of my damn tavern before
I call the…
CAPTAIN REX
Hold on now beautiful…
(Kim Lizard
sees the handsome Captain Rex and she begins to calm down)
KIM LIZARD
Why, you ain’t so bad looking yourself!
Look at you with your HD graphics…
CAPTAIN REX
Look, I’m sorry my friend killed your
husband, but don’t call the cops on us, tell you what, when do you get off
work?
KIM LIZARD
At five, why?
CAPTAIN REX
Because I need a date to the gladiator
fight on my home planet tonight and you look like you could use a good time!
KIM LIZARD
Great, pick me up around six, mind if
I bring my kids?
CAPTAIN REX
Kids love gladiators! Of course, they
can come with us. See you at six, but for now, just bring my pal and I another
round of beers and then later we’ll have a good time!
KIM LIZARD
Okay! Another round of beers coming
up!
(Kim
Lizard walks away sexually and Captain Rex pats Miner Mike on the back)
MINER MIKE
Thanks Rex! Sorry you have to go on a
date with her through?
CAPTAIN REX
Nah man, she was fine, I like older
women. Anyway, you’re not a monster for killing those lizards…
MINER MIKE
I know…I’m a monster for killing those
damn moles!
CAPTAIN REX
Really?
(Miner
Mike begins to laugh and then Captain Rex begins to laugh and it ends with
Miner Mike and Captain Rex laughing together at the same time)
(Blackout.)
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