Two guys MACK, a male hipster, and EDDY, a male nerd, are
standing in front of a green screen filming a Youtube video
together.
MACK
What’s up? I’m Mack!
EDDY
And I’m Eddy!
MACK
Welcome to News Jam! Do you know
what happened today, Eddy?
EDDY
What Mack?
MACK
Ever heard of the DC Comics
Superhero, Hawkman?
EDDY
I know he’s a superhero who’s even
lamer than Aquaman. All Hawkman
does is fly!
MACK
Oh, no, he doesn’t just fly
anymore. Like other recent
superheroes in the news, it has
come to light that dear old
Hawkman jerked off in the wrong
place.
EDDY
What? Did Hawkman jerk off in
the sky?
MACK
Well actually Hawkman has been
filming countless women using the
Burger King bathroom. Hawkman owns
said Burger King, and he jerks off
to the videos of the ladies doing
their business.
EDDY
I bet this story even get’s
crazier, right Mack?
MACK
Indeed Eddy.
(MORE)
MACK (CONT’D)
Along with jerking off to videos
of women using a Burger King
bathroom, it has come to light he
jerked off in front of countless
female members of both the Justice
League and The Avengers. Using his
rank in said teams to his
advantage, he forced the likes of
Wonder Woman and Black Widow to
watch him masterbate for hours on
end.
EDDY
Like what woman would want to
watch Hawkman jerk off?
MACK
Yes, indeed Eddy, that looks to be
like an awful sight. Just seaman
and feathers everywhere. He has
already been kicked out of both
the Justice League and The
Avengers for his actions and his
recent movie deal was scrapped.
But as we continue The Hawkman
Jerk Off Scandal, let’s welcome
our guest joining us over the
phone in this discussion.
EDDY
Yes, let’s welcome legendary comic
book artist Rob Liefeld to News
Jam. Mr. Liefeld can you hear us,
buddy?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
I created Youngblood and Cable!
MACK
Indeed you did, Mr. Rob Liefeld.
But isn’t it true you worked
alongside Hawkman at DC Comics?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
I gave Hawkman big ass muscles and
tiny feet and this is how he
repays me! Why! Hawkman why!
EDDY
Did you have a hand in creating
Hawkman, Mr. Liefeld?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
No! Gardner Fox created Hawkman
back in the 1940’s. I only create
crap.
EDDY
That is true, you are only known
for creating junk. But Mr.
Liefeld, one last question for our
viewers. Since you work directly
on the inside, do you know of any
other superheroes who haven’t been
truly heroic?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
Well, besides Hawkman, I heard a
rumor that Captain America likes
to have Asian girls pee on him.
Also, Starfire totally grabbed my
ass without my permission.
EDDY
Did you report her to HR?
ROB LIEFELD (V.O.)
No. She said if I report her to HR
she will laser blast my nuts off.
Anyway, I got to go! I have more
shitty comics to create. Later! Oh
and Starfire if you listening...
Rob Liefeld is heard sobbing over the phone before he
hangs up.
MACK
Truly a dark time to be a
superhero fan, right, Eddy?
EDDY
Totally Mack, please remember to
subscribe to our channel and give
this video a like. Next week on
News Jam, we’ll talk more about
Pinocchio’s recent DUI arrest, and
how an annoyed Quick Draw McGraw
hit a TMZ Reporter with a guitar
during an episode of TMZ Live.
Goodbye from News Jam. Man, the
world is going to hell!
END
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