DR. HUGO STRANGE (A male supervillain therapist), DEADPOOL (A male mutant assassin, the merc with the mouth), THE HULK (A male hulking green humanoid monster), RAVEN (A female teen goth mystic superhero), STING (A male professional wrestler, with black and white face paint), THE PUNISHER (A male insane gunman, wearing all black, with a skull symbol on his chest, and holding a gun at all times), and THE BLOB (A obese male mutant supervillain) sit around together in the group room in a circle.
HUGO
Good morning everyone. Welcome to superhero PSTD group therapy. My name is Dr. Hugo and let’s go around and introduce ourselves. Give us your name and one thing that helps calm you down.
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
Dr. Hugo Strange. A classic Batman villain who first appeared in issue number 36 of Detective Comics published by DC Comics.
HUGO
Hush Mr. Deadpool, it’s not your turn. Next!
The Hulk pets a small duck plushie as he counts to three before he speaks.
DEADPOOL
The Hulk. Who first appeared in the debut issue of The Incredible Hulk published by Marvel Comics.
HULK
Me Hulk. Me like to feed ducks at park. Ducks soothing for Hulk. Ducks rarely afraid of Hulk because Hulk have bread.
Hugo writes in a notebook and clears his throat.
HUGO
Very good Hulk. Animals can bring us comfort. Miss, it’s your turn.
Raven lowers his black hood and sighs.
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
The goth girl next store, Raven. First appeared in issue number 26 of DC Comics Presents, of course, published by DC Comics. And later appeared in my first fanfic published on DeviantArt in 2006.
RAVEN
Like Deadpool said, my name is Raven. First, you do know that everyone can hear you right now? Also, I literally put a restraining order back in 2007 you idiot! How is he allowed to be within 10 feet of me right now?
Hugo snaps his fingers as Raven and Deadpool bicker back and forth with each other.
HUGO
Raven, I assure you that you are safe here in group. As for you Deadpool, may you please be quiet and wait your turn. Please.
Deadpool throws his arms up in the air and crosses them. As Raven and The Punisher laugh.
HUGO
Alright, how about you. Are your meds working well, The Crow?
Sting looks around and then raise his hand. Hugo points at Sting.
HUGO
Yes, it’s your turn The Crow. And will you please answer my question.
STING
Um, I’m sorry but my name is Sting.
HUGO
Oh my, you’re delusional thinking has gotten so worse you’ve created a different personality to cope. Sting, you are The Crow. Please, return to us The Crow!
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
Former WCW Heavyweight Champion, Sting. He’s a legendary professional wrestler who wrestled for the NWA, WCW, TNA, WWE, and most recently AEW. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2016.
Sting does a facepalm and clears his throat.
STING
Dr. Hugo, I still don’t think you understand. Like Deadpool said, I’m a retired professional wrestler. I was admitted to this hospital because I literally broke my leg. I took a small smoke break outside and suddenly I ended up here. You know that The Crow is still on the loose, right? The Crow probably freaking out because the recent biopic remake about him just flopped at the box office. Seriously, you need to...
Hugo snaps his fingers again as Sting is shaking back and forth.
HUGO
Fine, you’re Sting. I will actually admit that I’m a fan of The Police myself. They are a great band, Mr. Sting.
Sting sighs as Deadpool leans in closer. Sting pushes Deadpool back away.
STING
Hey dude, don’t stand so close to me.
DEADPOOL
And every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.
Everyone in the room, but Sting, laughs.
STING
Of course I had to walk right into that one.
Deadpool waves and points at Raven.
DEADPOOL
And every little thing she does is magic.
Raven tries to cast a spell on Deadpool.
RAVEN
Even with The Police jokes already they are getting old. Why can’t I shut your freaking mouth.
Deadpool laughs while waving his finger back and forth.
DEADPOOL
Oh, that’s so cute my little black bird. But your magic can’t shut my mouth shut. You know you weren’t the first to try shutting me up with magic? I just wanted to make sure because even the good Dr. Strange wasn’t able to shut my mouth and he’s the Sorcerer Supreme for Christ’s sake.
Hugo points at himself.
HUGO
Are you talking about me, Mr. Deadpool?
Deadpool sighs and pulls out a notebook. Deadpool starts writing in the notebook.
DEADPOOL
Oh, I’m so sorry, Dr. Hugo Strange from DC Comics. I meant, Dr. Stephen Strange from Marvel Comics is the Sorcerer Supreme. Unless Raven has been giving some, private lessons.
Deadpool blows a kiss to Raven. Raven turns her chair around. The Punisher shoots his gun in the air.
THE PUNISHER
Hey Doc, I’m only here because of a court order. Be a man and bring some order to the group. First, I’ll shoot Deadpool in the head.
The Punisher aims his handgun at Deadpool who stands up in his chair. Deadpool dances around his chair.
DEADPOOL
You have it in you. Then shoot me. Or are you a coward?
The Punisher lowers his gun and starts sobbing.
Hugo writes in his notebook as he gives The Punisher some tissues.
HUGO
It’s okay. Let it out, Mr. Punisher. Just stay calm and do some deep breathing exercises.
THE PUNISHER
I didn’t even want to be a superhero. I just wanted to be a comedian. Hell, my name is even The Punisher. I didn’t originally want to seek revenge, I just wanted to do some killer one-liners. Again, pun is in my name.
HUGO
What prevented you from pursuing your comedy career, Mr. Punisher?
THE PUNISHER
I don’t know. It’s hard to find open mic nights. I bombed at every set. Then I heard about this former comedian who became a supervillain named The Joker. I thought it would be a great dream match. I mean who wouldn’t want to see The Punisher vs. The Joker.
The Punisher wipes his tears away.
The Punisher blows his nose and then Deadpool looks out to the audience.
DEADPOOL
The Punisher. First appeared in issue number 129 of The Amazing Spider-Man published by Marvel Comics and since become a collector’s item among comic book collectors.
Raven hands The Punisher some money and then points at Deadpool.
RAVEN
I would like to place a hit on Deadpool. I would ask my Dad to take his soul, but for some reason he can’t.
Deadpool laughs and throws a ward of cash to Raven.
DEADPOOL
I guess your demon daddy didn’t tell you about the fact that because of my healing factor and after that one time I dated Death, I basically became immortal. So do your worse Raven and Punisher because no matter what my life is Hell.
Hugo snaps his fingers and then points angrily at Deadpool.
HUGO
That is enough, Mr. Deadpool. Stop interrupting this group and don’t bully other patients. Now apologize to Raven about calling her father a demon.
Raven coughs and raises her hand.
RAVEN
Um, actually, Dr. Hugo. My dad is a demon named Trigon.
Hugo coughs and then wipes his glasses.
HUGO
Oh, my mistake. I had forgotten that I already met your father Trigon during your family session. I don’t know why I would forget but...
Raven pulls out her phone and starts texting. Hugo coughs.
HUGO
Now Raven, you know we don’t allow phones during group time. Please put that away.
Raven sighs and puts her phone away.
RAVEN
Sorry, but my dad is picking me up after group and he wanted to know what I wanted from McDonalds.
Deadpool moans and then starts to cry.
DEADPOOL
Oh man, how come Raven gets to go to McDonalds after group and we don’t. That’s not fair.
Hugo starts twitching and points at Deadpool.
HUGO
You are a grown man. You can just get McDonalds yourself after group. Oh God, how about you Blob? How are you feeling today/
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
The Blob. He first appeared in issue number 3 of The X-Men published by Marvel Comics. And he should definitely lay off the McDonalds.
The Blob sighs as he holds back tears.
THE BLOB
Wow, Dr. Hugo. My name is actually Fred and I am well aware of my weight problem.
Hugo sighs and goes back to writing in his notebook.
HUGO
I am so sorry, Blob, um, I mean Fred. We recommended you take some weight loss medication and it should have helped you with your weight problem.
The Blob sobs as he eats from a box of doughnuts.
THE BLOB
I tried to tell you, first, my insurance wouldn’t cover my prescription for the weight loss drugs. And second, you think I wouldn’t have thought of that in the first place. I stole some weight loss medication and I tried to inject the needle. But the needle broke a part because my fat is basically as strong as steel.
Hugo screams in anger as he jumps up and down.
HUGO
Darn it! I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to work here at Arkham Asylum anymore. You super powered freaks are killing me. Stealing your secret identities is worthless because I should have just used Google to save some time. Group dismissed. Get out of here. I quit!
Hugo throws his notebook on the ground and storms out of the group room. Deadpool gets up from his chair and sits in Hugo’s chair. Deadpool clears his throat.
DEADPOOL
Who wants to get free meds from Canada? As a proud Canadian myself, follow me to the world of universal health care. Let’s actually get some real help!
Everyone in the room cheers as The Hulk gets up and walks over to a wall. The Hulk punches a huge hole in the wall.
HULK
Hulk want to go to Canada. Hulk needs universal health care. And Hulk wanted one of the last lines in this sketch.
Hulk storms out through the wall as The Punisher, Sting, and The Blob follow him out. Deadpool claps as Raven texts on her phone.
RAVEN
So Deadpool, I’m curious what the heck doctors think is wrong with you.
Deadpool does a funny walk before he jumps through the wall.
DEADPOOL
Well Raven, to answer your question. I just been diagnosed with autism, anxiety, schizophrenia, and every other mental illness under the sun. Now join me as I go to Neverland and chase the pink unicorn of valor.
Deadpool flees the scene as the alarms start blaring. Raven sighs and then pulls out her phone to make a phone call.
END
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