SUPERMAN, LOIS LANE, BATMAN, GREEN LANTERN, and SPIDERMAN sit
in a circle when SUPERGIRL enters and throws a beer bottle at
the wall.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
Where’s my dog Krypto? And why are
all you jerks here?
Superman escorts Supergirl to an empty chair.
SUPERMAN
We’ve had enough. This is your
intervention, Supergirl. We’re
worried about you and your drinking
problem.
Supergirl turns her head and looks at Lois Lane.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
Why is she here?
LOIS
Because Superman doesn’t have that
many friends. And I’m his
girlfriend.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
Why is Spiderman here? He’s
literally from the Marvel Universe.
Get out of here, this is DC, nerd!
Spiderman clears his throat and pulls out a piece of paper.
SPIDERMAN
Supergirl, we are worried about
you. We love you. We want you to go
to rehab funded by Batman.
Batman looks over to Superman.
BATMAN
Why am I paying for her rehab?
SUPERMAN
Because you’re rich, remember?
BATMAN
I didn’t get rich by giving to
charity.
SUPERMAN
No, you got rich because your rich
parents are dead.
BATMAN
Dude, that’s mean! Your parents are
dead too.
SUPERMAN
Well, my evil Kryptonian parents
are dead. I still have Ma and Pa
Kent, my real parents.
BATMAN
I have Alfred.
SUPERMAN
You literally pay your butler to be
your foster father. Doesn’t that
seem odd?
BATMAN
(Crying)
Alfred loves me. Why are you such a
jerk?
Superman slaps Batman.
SUPERMAN
Enough, this is about Supergirl and
getting her sober and...oh God damn
it!
Supergirl drinks a beer and twerks in front of Green Lantern.
SUPERMAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Supergirl, please stop that! This
is serious!
GREEN LANTERN
No, please don’t stop, Supergirl.
I’m kind of digging this.
Green Lantern hands Supergirl some money.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
I got some green from Green
Lantern.
Spiderman gets up.
SPIDERMAN
Hey guys, I should probably get
going. I mean I am owned by Marvel
and you can only have me here for
so long.
Superman whistles.
SUPERMAN
Enough! Let’s get back to...wait,
what the heck?
Supergirl makes out with STAN LEE who sits in a chair.
SPIDERMAN (O.S.)
Oh my God? God?
Stan Lee stops making out with Supergirl and then gives her
some cash.
STAN LEE
Thanks for that, Supergirl.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
Anything for a fan, Stan?
Stan Lee slowly gets up from his chair.
STAN LEE
Stop this, my children. I’m Stan
Lee the creator of Marvel Comics
and...
Superman whispers into Stan Lee’s ear.
STAN LEE (CONT’D)
What’s that? I’m in the DC
Universe. Holy crap! I’m in Hell!
Stan Lee out!
Stan Lee runs away. Supergirl wraps her arms around Green
Lantern and Spiderman.
SUPERGIRL
(Drunk)
This intervention was pointless
once again, cuz. Come on boys,
let’s go get drunk at Chili’s.
Supergirl escorts Green Lantern and Spiderman out of the
room. Superman sighs and Lois Lane taps Superman’s shoulder.
LOIS
We forgot to tell her that we had
to rehome Krypto.
SUPERMAN
I know, but at least Krypto’s new
owner seems happy.
THE HULK lies on the ground and Krypto licks him.
THE HULK
Hulk love puppy! Hulk and puppy
going to be friends forever!
Superman, Lois Lane, and Batman laugh.
BATMAN
Oh that’s our Hulk!
LOIS LANE
Well, legally The Hulk is from
Marvel and we’re DC. But at least
Krypto is happy too!
SUPERMAN
And Supergirl still has a drinking
problem. We solved nothing once
again!
END
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