(In the
afternoon at a Starbucks)
(Beth,
Gina, and Ellen are sitting at a table chatting away. During the conversation
Ellen is typing on her laptop)
BETH
You won’t believe who asked me out on
a date!
GINA & ELLEN
(AT THE SAME TIME)
WHO?
BETH
BOBBY RIPLEY!
ELLEN
NO WAY! WAY TO GO BETH! HE’S SO HOT!
GINA
Been there, done that!
BETH
You dated Bobby too, sis?
GINA
More like a one night stand…
ELLEN
NO WAY! Bobby stood you up, I’m so sorry!
GINA
No, I stood him up, he wanted a
long-term thing, but I just wanted to do it once and be over with it!
BETH
As usual, I get my hot younger
sister’s sloppy seconds. Gina, seriously why are you wearing that outfit in
public. You look like a hooker!
GINA
At least my body is good enough that I
can get away with an outfit like this. Hey, where’s Todd with our coffee? It’s
been like ten minutes since we told him to wait in line for us!
ELLEN
I just hope he remembers to get my
doughnut!
BETH
Ellen, you’re on a diet, remember,
silly goose. Why are you getting a
doughnut?
ELLEN
I’m hungry, plus after this, I am
going to go to the gym anyway. So get off my back!
BETH
Okay Ellen…oh girls, I have good
news…I found someone prefect for Todd!
GINA
WHO?
ELLEN
(MUMBLING)
I wish you two cared about finding me
a man!
BETH
Anyway, I got my haircut this morning
and…I got Todd a date with Rico!
GINA
RICO! He’s prefect for Todd! NICE WORK,
SIS!
ELLEN
Rico, I don’t know Beth, he might be
way out of Todd’s league! I mean he’s dated bodybuilders!
BETH
Well, I may have told Rico that Todd
was a little more handsome than nerdy but…oh here comes Todd!
(Todd enters and passes out the coffee and gives
Ellen her doughnut)
TODD
(WHILE PASSING OUT THE
COFFEE)
Here you go, gal pals! Sorry it took
me so long, but the line was murder. There was a little old lady who was going
so slowly! Plus, she needed help getting to her table. Long story short, I left
my original place in line to go help her. Then I had to start all over at the
end of the line. As you gals say, “Silly Todd”!
BETH
OH TODD! Hey, guess what! I hooked you
up with a date!
TODD
Oh, you guys!
BETH
Well, I figured a single guy like you
needs a hook up and I bet you’re sick of hanging out with us all the time. You need
time for yourself!
TODD
Seriously, you three are like my best
friends! I love spending time you! But who’s the lucky lady?
GINA & ELLEN
(AT THE SAME TIME IN A
CONFUSED TONE)
LADY?
BETH
RICO! He’s very handsome! You’re
prefect for him! You’re one lucky man!
(Todd
at first looks confused and after a brief pause Todd begins to laugh)
BETH
What’s so funny?
TODD
It’s just…I thought you said you got
me a date when really you just scheduled a day of beauty for old Todd! Rico
does excellent work!
(Beth looks confused and pauses for a bit, and Beth
begins to laugh)
BETH
Oh, no, silly! I got you a little
dinner date! I thought you could use a man in your life!
TODD
What are you talking about?? I have a
brother and a really good father. I have plenty of good male figures in my
life. Plus my best friend Brody and…
GINA
I have to use the restroom!
(Gina slowly gets up and she flees to the bathroom
to avoid this awkward moment)
BETH
Oh, you already have a boyfriend. When
do we get to meet Brody? Does he take good care of you?
(Ellen taps Beth on the shoulder and Beth just
ignores it)
TODD
No, I mean Brody’s like my best friend.
Well he’s my best guy friend. He’s the one I like to play Xbox with because you
guys aren’t into that kind of thing.
ELLEN
(SCREAMING IN A FRANTIC TONE)
ARE YOU GAY OR NOT TODD?
TODD
Wait, what?
BETH
Ellen, you don’t question someone’s
sexually! I mean in public too! I thought you weren’t homophobic!
TODD
Again, what is going on here?
ELLEN
(AKWARDLY)
It’s just that we thought you were gay.
When Gina and I heard you say “lucky lady”, we were confused. Plus, it’s weird
you also know Brody because…
TODD
Wait! You three think I’m gay! So you
got me a date with Rico as in…
(Todd begins to gag a bit like he’s about to vomit)
BETH
WAIT! YOU’RE STRIGHT!
TODD
(PISSED OFF)
DAMN RIGHT, I’M STRIGHT! MY GOD! YOU
GOT ME A DATE WITH A DUDE! WHAT’S GOING ON! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I’M GAY!
(Gina re-enters the scene and sits down next to Beth
and Ellen)
GINA
Am I hearing this right! Our gay
friend, Todd is straight! Oh dear lord! I let him touch me and…
(Gina
faints and Beth begins to get mad)
BETH
(ANGRILY)
WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT BEING GAY!
TODD
WHAT! I NEVER SAID I WAS! WHY DO YOU
THREE THINK I’M GAY?
BETH
Because you never hit on us!
TODD
Why would I hit on you? I thought all
of you wanted to remain in the “Friend Zone”.
BETH
But you’re so clean and well dressed!
TODD
Well OCD helps, but otherwise I like
to take care of myself. Is it so weird for a straight man to care about how he
looks? Plus, hello, if you’re clean and dress nice…ladies pick up on that! You
can do the math!
BETH
You like show tunes and you watch
Disney princess movies!
TODD
Okay, I’m a theater nut and you saw me
preform in that local play. But as for the Disney princess thing, Walt Disney’s
my hero and I love animated movies! Yes, again, it’s weird, a grown man still
watches cartoons and stuff! But the point is I’m straight!
BETH
Oh my god, all this time I was friends
with a straight guy! I looked at you as if you were one of those gay best
friends. You know the one’s in romantic comedies. The one that helps you help
you find your true love!
TODD
(FURIOUSLY)
ROMANTIC COMEDIES AREN’T LIKE THE REAL
WORLD! I’M NOT A SEXIST! GENDER DOESN’T AFFECT WHOM I GET ALONG WITH AS A BEST
FRIEND! I MEAN! WOW!
BETH
You know what! This friendship is
over! Gina! Ellen! Let’s ditch this pervert who only wanted to be with us for
sex!
(Beth
storms out of the room and exits the scene)
(Gina
gets up and slaps Todd)
GINA
That’s for touching my boob! YOU LIER!
(Gina leaves in a huff while trying to cover herself
up and exits the scene)
TODD
(YELLING TO GINA AS
SHE’S LEAVING)
I touched your boob because you
thought you had breast cancer and you asked me to see if I could feel any
lumps! I also thought it was a really weird situation!
(Todd
gives a “fuck” like gesture and sits down and covers his face with one hand)
(Ellen
pulls up a chair and sits next to Todd to comfort him)
ELLEN
Sorry we thought you were gay!
TODD
It’s okay Ellen. I should have seen it
coming. You know, why aren’t you leaving? You still want to be friends with the
straight guy?
ELLEN
Actually, I think you’re very handsome.
I think we have a lot in common. I mean you’re single and I’m single.
TODD
Wait! You want to be my girlfriend!
What about Brody? I mean if he finds out I’m dating his sister he’ll…
ELLEN
Don’t worry about my brother Brody! Now
you two have someone else to play Xbox with. Who knows, someday Brody might
have his best friend as a brother in law!
TODD
So, you want to go back to my place
and…
ELLEN
Yeah! Because let’s just say now that
you’re straight…you have a friend with benefits! Let’s go! HANDSOME!
(Ellen exits the scene in a very sexy manner and Todd
does a fist pump)
TODD
(TO HIMSELF)
SCORE!
(Todd struts out of the
Starbucks)
(Blackout.)
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