RFK JR. stands at a podium and taps a microphone. RFK Jr.
clears his throat.
RFK JR.
(Raspy voice)
Good morning America, I...excuse me
for a second....
RFK Jr. clears his throat again and then takes a sip of
water. RFK Jr. taps the microphone again.
RFK JR. (CONT’D)
(Normal speaking voice)
Christ, sorry folks. I just got
over a wicked cold. Sounded like I
smoked a million Marlboros back
there. Anyway time to announce the
new food pyramid. With my good
friends over at the fast food
industry.
COLONEL SANDERS, RONALD MCDONALD, THE BURGER KING, and WENDY
walk out together and stand behind RFK Jr.
RFK JR. (CONT’D)
You see America, you need to eat
more fats, meats, and diary. And
these guys know a ton about fats,
meats, and diary. Let my man
Colonel Sanders speak on this
important news.
Colonel Sanders gives RFK Jr. a hug and then walks over to
the microphone.
COLONEL SANDERS
Good evening all. Now Mr. Bobby
Kennedy Jr. here is speaking the
gospel. With these new health
guidelines, and with some help from
the fast food lobbyists, now it is
recommended for you all to finally
eat all the healthy fats that you
want. Maybe, dare I even say, at
your local KFC. Any questions? Yes,
you miss, in the red shirt.
FEMALE RED SHIRT REPORTER holds a notepad.
FEMALE RED SHIRT REPORTER
You all can’t be serious? How is
eating more fast food going to make
Americans healthier?
Colonel Sanders waves his finger.
COLONEL SANDERS
No, no, no, we ain’t saying eat
more fast food. We’re saying, eat
more meats and fats.
WENDY
And diary, like a good cold Frosty
at Wendy’s.
Female Red Shirt Reporter shrugs.
FEMALE RED SHIRT REPORTER
Again, this doesn’t feel right.
COLONEL SANDERS
Next question, how about you sir in
the back.
MALE REPORTER holds his hand in the air.
MALE REPORTER
Hello, I’m with the Chicago
Tribune. Mr. Ronald McDonald, how
can you live with yourself by
supporting Mr. Robert F. Kennedy
Jr. when your beloved friend
Grimace is autistic?
Ronald McDonald taps Colonel Sanders and takes his place up
at the podium.
RONALD MCDONALD
Grimace is indeed autistic and our
good friend RFK Jr. is very close
to curing him. And...oh God damn
it!
THE HAMBURGLAR sneaks into the press conference and steals a
bag of McDonalds hamburgers and runs away.
RONALD MCDONALD (CONT’D)
Sorry folks, but The Hamburglar is
up to his old tricks again. I got
to go...
Ronald McDonald chases The Hamburglar around the room. FEMALE
RED SHIRT REPORTER gets up.
FEMALE RED SHIRT REPORTER
My next question is for the Burger
King, you were clearly in the
Epstein files. Explain yourself!
Burger King hums “Creep” by Radiohead. Colonel Sanders taps
his cane.
COLONEL SANDERS
I do declare, that is enough. How
dare you say that our dear friend
The Burger King is in the Epstein
files. Be no better than saying
that I...I will just cut myself off
there. Bobby boy, get your...oh
crap.
A worm is sticking out of RFK Jr.
’s ear.
RFK JR.
Oh God, please stop making me do
this Mr. Wormy! My family loves me
you lying sack of...
COLONEL SANDERS
Damn it Bobby boy, have you ever
seen a doctor bro?
The worm goes back inside RFK Jr.
’s ear.
RFK JR.
Sorry Colonel, I, RFK Jr. and not
that devilishly handsome, Mr. Wormy
are in control of myself again.
And, live from New York it’s
Saturday night!
END
No comments:
Post a Comment