BY: STEVEN BUCKY BUTLER & MEAGAN
FROEHLICH
(A medieval dungeon)
PRIEST FROLLO
Thanks for filling in with
such short notice George. I think you’ll find there aren’t too many differences
between the castle salon and this dungeon. But to me the only difference I
think stands out is that there are more sinners here than people that need a
haircut. But since you’re the best at what you do, and your resume checks out,
you may already be ready to get the promotion you desire.
GEORGE
Frollo, honey, please, I
deal with more sinners than you see in a second, okay? I’ve been dying to see
what else I can do around this castle, but let’s make it quick I have to go
back upstairs to do the king’s manscaping at 5. I may need to borrow your holy
water for the job. I mean all that hair he has all over his fat ass just gives
me nightmares and chills. So unholy!
PRIEST FROLLO
You’re not gay are you? I
mean if you are, we may have to strap you to this chair and cut your nuts off!
As unholy as that sounds, we have to do it for the sake of our lord.
GEORGE
Relax, honey, I’m just Brazilian. We like to show off and have a little fun
with our lives. But before we start the torture, let’s talk about that unibrow
caterpillar on your face. We need to wax it before it becomes a butterfly. Okay
baby?
PRIEST FROLLO
That sounds painful! No wonder you
seem perfect for this job, but let’s see you at work!
GUARD RICHARD
(YELLING FROM OFFSTAGE)
Father Frollo, hello, sorry to
interrupt, but the next prisoner is ready to enter. Gosh, he looks sad, mind if
I give him my cookie? I was going to have it for lunch, but I thought before we
gave him hell, he should have a little something nice just to make him feel a
little better. Even though my Mom worked hard baking me that cookie, I…well
then, I don’t want to upset my Mommy. She’s such a wonderful woman and it’s so
nice of her to let me live with her even though it’s hard to say your 47 year
old son still lives with his Mom, but hey at least…
PRIEST FROLLO
(YELLING ANGRILY)
SHUT UP RICHARD! JUST BRING THE SINNER
IN HERE!
(Guard Richard and
Prisoner enter)
GEORGE
WOW, hey Mr. Guard Man, how long did
it take you to climb down from your beanstalk? You must be like at least 7 feet
tall, honey, don’t bump your head now.
GUARD RICHARD
You’re a funny little man yourself, being
a gentle giant that’s my game. Anyway, Father Frollo and funny new guy, here’s
our prisoner. He’s here because he believes in the new upstart religion, “The
Sons of the Flying Alligators!” As much as it pains me, he’s the first victim
of the day. Let’s go easy on him. We have to consider his family, you know.
PRISONER
I’ll NEVER TALK! THE GREAT FLYING
ALLIGATOR WILL FREE ME FROM THIS REALM AND BRING ME TO THE FOREVER SWAMP!
PRIEST FROLLO
YOUR LITTLE CULT WON’T SAVE YOU NOW!
GEORGE, DO YOUR THING!
GUARD RICHARD
OH GOD I CAN’T WATCH!
(George
approaches the prisoner’s hair with
scissors)
GUARD RICHARD
WOW! Cutting the fingers
off on your first day! This guy’s good!
GEORGE
Take that and that! Before
you cross the king you have to deal with me! And if you cross with me, my claws
come out, baby!
PRIEST FROLLO
George, what are you
doing?
GEORGE
(Holding the prisoner’s hair)
I’m giving him the worst
haircut of his life! This poor guy will never want to go out in public again!
GUARD RICHARD
(SCREAMING/CRYING)
OH THE HORROR, THAT POOR
MAN’S HAIR! FROLLO STOP HIM BEFORE HE DOES SOMETHING WORSE!
PRIEST FROLLO
Seriously? Okay you’re new,
so I’ll leave this as a warning! Now, do something truly painful to make this
sinner change his sinful ways!
PRISONER
OH THE TORTURE! Can I go
home now? I mean, thanks for the haircut, but I have to go to the house that the
all mighty flying alligator built! Or maybe I can just…
(Guard
Richard grabs the Prisoner and pushes him back down)
GUARD RICHARD
Sorry guy, but you have
another half hour of torturing to go through here, and then, I guess we’ll
bring in that woman who solved that math problem. Anyway George, give it
another go! I BELIEVE IN YOU, BUDDY!
GEORGE
Okay, okay, I get the hint
okay! Got to be a little tougher, come on George, think? Fine, I have another
evil thing in mind, but I was saving it for someone really bad!
(George
approaches the prisoner and grabs his hand while holding scissors)
PRISONER
PLEASE NO! I’LL GIVE YOU
ANYTHING! ALL POWERFUL FLYING ALLIGARTOR YOUR SON NEEDS YOU!
(Prisoner covers his
eyes)
PRIEST FROLLO
Now we’re getting
somewhere! See it only takes a little practice to master the art of torture…Wait
what?
GEORGE
There, I know I got it
this time, Frollo! I just gave this poor bastard the ugliest manicure anyone
has ever seen! YEAH! I’M A BAD BOY! That you’ll teach you not to…hey what did
this guy do again?
PRISONER
(Sarcastically)
Oh no the horror, my nails
were prefect before and now…seriously, where did you people come from? I guess
you Christians will think anything’s torture! Well, I better hit the old dusty
trail…
(Prisoner
slowly begins standing up)
PRIEST FROLLO
Oh no you don’t sinner!
(Pushing prisoner down)
Come on George. The lord
surely put you in my dungeon for a reason! You’ve got to give us something to
work with here!
GUARD
RICHARD
Seriously George, this is
the big time! Frollo, can I get Bobby in here, he was great at torturing
prisoners! Maybe Bobby could teach George a thing or two?
PRIEST FROLLO
Don’t you remember Richard
you big hooded idiot? Bobby was caught having an affair with the king’s third
wife! We killed him, remember?
GUARD RICHARD
That guy was Bobby! Wow he
really let himself go…anyway George, my advice for you from working 10 years as
a dungeon guard is two things…give them hell and they’ll talk! Again George…I
BELIEVE IN YOU!
PRIEST FROLLO
Remember George, this is
you’re last shot! Give this sinner pain and he’ll give himself over to Christ!
PRISONER
I’LL NEVER GIVE MYSELF
OVER TO CHRIST! THE FLYING ALLIGATOR IS THE TRUE SAVIOR OF THIS FLAT WORLD!
GEORGE
Okay I get it! I don’t
want to go back to trimming the king’s back hair for all eternity! I know what
I must do!
(To Guard
Richard)
Richard honey, hand me the
curlers!
PRISONER
OH GOD! WHAT THE HELL!
KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!
GEORGE
(George
putting the curlers in the prisoner’s hair)
Take that and that! You
will pay for your crimes and sinful ways, mister!
PRISONER
FLYING ALLIGATOR MAKE IT
STOP! WHAT’S HAPPENING?
GEORGE
(Spraying the
prisoner’s hair)
Now you can’t get your
hair wet for 48 hours. Okay honey baby!
PRISONER
What is that horrible
smell? Please stop, it burns! FLYING ALLIGATOR YOUR SON WILL SEE YOU NOW!
(Prisoner
makes choking noises and passes out)
PRIEST FROLLO
(Lightly pushing the
prisoner with his foot)
Okay? What did you do to
him George?
GEORGE
It’s called a perm and
it’s the single most horrifying torture you can inflict upon a person. My god,
what have I done! Jesus, baby, forgive me, honey!
GUARD RICHARD
A perm, huh, looks nice!
Can I make an appointment at your salon next Tuesday afternoon? I could use a
perm! Might get me a girlfriend! And also, I could use a little manscaping
myself! It’s swimsuit season after all!
GEORGE
(Sarcastically)
OKAY RICAHRD HONEY, I’LL
SCHEDULE YOU IN NEXT TUESDAY AFTERNOON! JUST BRING ME YOUR GOOSE THAT LAYS THE
GOLDEN EGGS AND IT’LL BE A DONE, DEAL, HONEY!
GUARD RICHARD
WOW! I got an appointment at
the royal salon! But all I have is my Discover Card! Father Frollo could you
loan me a goose that lays the golden eggs by Monday? I’ll pay you back!
PRIEST FROLLO
(SIGHING)
Why lord? Why do you make
me work with these idiots!
GEORGE
And Frollo, honey, I’ll
schedule an appointment for you too! Besides the unibrow thing, you probably
need a little manscaping yourself!
PRIEST FROLLO
(SCREAMING)
OH LORD NOOOOOOO!
(Blackout.)
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