(An evil lair conference room where a
meeting of super villains is taking place)
(X-Eye sits upon a podium with a gavel in
hand)
X-EYE
Alright! Now does anyone have any ideas for some evil schemes to take
over the world!
BADGER MAN
How about we rob a bank!
(Badger
Man growls)
We could use the money!
X-EYE
Been there
done that! Anything original?
(Felicity raises her
hand)
X-EYE
(WHILE POINTING HIS GAVEL TOWARDS FELICITY)
Yes, Felicity
you have the floor!
FELICITY
I can use a dark magical spell that will turn
all of the Victoria’s Secret models into ugly obese ogres!
(Felicity laughs evilly)
X-EYE
Wow, that is
the weirdest and stupidest evil plan I’ve ever heard! Only question left,
though, is how does this plan benefit the group as a whole?
(Felicity laughs evilly
again)
FELICITY
Well it’s more
of a personal thing, I suppose, but I could use help drugging all the models at
the Victoria’s Secret fashion show! Any gentlemen like to help me?
(Badger Man and Night Watch quickly
raise their hands in like a me, me, me matter)
FELICITY
As a heads up we’re
not going all Bill Cosby here, I just need them to be put to sleep so I can
cast my spell! UNDERSTAND GENTLEMEN?
(Badger Man and Night Watch quickly
drop their hands as fast as they raised them)
(X-Eye takes a sip of water and then
bangs his gavel again)
X-EYE
Night Watch?
Any ideas?
Night Watch
We could steal
some nukes and threaten to blow them up if the world doesn’t give us a billion
dollars!
(X-Eye takes another sip of water)
X-EYE
Well, the last
time we blew up some nukes, we lost three of our members! Plus, I’m already a
billionaire. I already have more money than I need!
BADGER MAN
(MUMBLING)
Those three
guys were dicks anyway!
NIGHT WATCH
(ANGRILY)
SPREAD THE
WEALTH RICHIE RICH!
(X-Eye begins banging his
gavel wildly)
X-EYE
ENOUGH! ANY
IDEAS FOR EVIL SCEMES! GIVE A DOG A BONE HERE!
SUGERPUFF
WHY DON’T WE
BRING SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS TO THE ENTIRE WORLD!
(Everybody quickly stares at
Sugerpuff after she says that)
(X-Eye takes a sip of water and then
takes off his reading glasses)
X-EYE
(BEGINS WITH A SIGH)
Sugerpuff,
okay really, you’re just not getting it! We are super villains. You are not in Rainbow
Marshmallow Land anymore, you are in my world, and here evil doesn’t mean
making people happy, okay?
(Sugerpuff looks puzzled then slowly
begins to smile)
SUGARPUFF
(SINGING)
Who can take a
sunrise/Sprinkle it in dew/ Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?
(X-Eye
covers his ears and is shouting to make it stop)
BADGER MAN
(SINGING WITH A LITTLE
GIGGLE)
THE BADGER MAN CAN, THE BADGER MAN CAN BECAUSE…
X-EYE
(YELLING)
ENOUGH! YOU!
(X-Eye’s pointing to Badger Man)
You don’t even know the words to the song and
YOU!
(X-Eye’s pointing to Sugerpuff)
Do you see what happiness does to people! It
makes them…
SUGERPUFF
Happy?
X-EYE
Yes, and we as super villains, the outcasts of
society, not the norm, aren’t meant to be a happy?
SUGERPUFF
(Confused tone)
WHY?
X-EYE
WHY? WHAT! WHO DECIDED SHE SHOULD JOIN THE TEAM
ANYWAY?
(Badger Man raised
his hand)
X-EYE
Of course it was you, badger boy?
(Badger
Man was preparing to defend Sugerpuff)
BADGER MAN
But boss, she’s the most evil one of us all!
X-EYE
(SACASTIC TONE)
REALLY? HOW IS SHE THE MOST EVIL ONE OF US?
(Badger Man takes a
swig of vodka and then clears his throat)
BADGER MAN
She stole the evil Prince Pumpkin Picker’s
prized pumpkin outside of his candy cane castle and fed it to all the hungry
little elves!
X-EYE
Just tell me the real reason she’s here?
BADGER MAN
Well, Sugerpuff’s my niece and I told her she
could intern with the Sinisters until the evil Boo-Poop Bear stops dancing in
her Wimzy Meadow!
X-EYE
(YELLING ANGRILY)
WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT! PRINCE
PUMPKIN PICKER, BOO-POOP BEAR, HAPPINESS AND SINGING! SERIOUSLY IT FEELS LIKE
I’M IN A FREAKIND DISNEY MOVIE RIGHT NOW LISTENING TO THIS CRAP!
SUGERPUFF
(SINGING)
LET IT GO, LET IT GO…
(X-Eye
covers his ears again and begins throwing a fit)
X-EYE
(YELLING)
STOP IT! YOUR HAPPINESS IS KILLING ME!
NIGHT WATCH
I can take care of that Prince Pumpkin
something and the bear guy. $20,000 and it’s a done deal!
SUGERPUFF
Don’t hurt my friends! I LOVE THEM!
X-EYE
(YELLING)
WHAT! FOR CHRIST’S SAKE THOSE TWO ARE YOU’RE
ENEMIES!
SUGERPUFF
OH! Those two are just a bunch of grumpy Guses
like you!
(X-Eye
begins to bang his gavel out of anger)
X-EYE
NOW! ANY IDEAS FOR EVIL SCHEMES, PEOPLE? TIME
TO GET BACK TO THE MEETING!
(Sugerpuff raises her hand)
X-EYE
(POINTING AT SUGERPUFF WITH
HIS GAVEL)
NOT YOU!
BADGER MAN
OH COME ON BOSS, GIVE HER A CHANCE!
(X-Eye
takes a brief pause to think about it while playing with his gavel)
X-EYE
(SIGHS BEFORE HE SPEAKS)
FINE! GO AHEAD SUGERPUFF!
(Sugerpuff
cheers and claps at being chosen)
SUGERPUFF
HOW ABOUT WE ALL BUY THE SUGERPUFF AND FRIENDS
MAGICAL CASTLE PLAYSET! ALSO PUPPIES AND CANDY FOR EVERYONE! YEAH!
FELICITY
So basically Sugerpuff’s evil plan is materialism
and consumerism?
(Sugerpuff
then hugs Felicity and Felicity pushes her off)
FELICITY
IF YOU EVER HUG ME AGAIN! I WILL TURN YOU INTO
ELMER’S GLUE! AND I DON’T HAVE TO USE MAGIC FOR THAT!
(X-Eye
bangs his gavel angrily)
X-EYE
THAT’S IT! Who wants to kick Sugerpuff out of
the Sinisters for good, say I!
(Felicity
raises her hand along with laughing evilly)
FELICITY
I!
BADGER MAN
But, boss, she’s my niece…
(Night
Watch soon looked confused and shocked and then X-Eye pointed his gavel towards
him)
X-Eye
Well
it’s up to you Night Watch. You might have the winning vote!
NIGHT WATCH
WAIT! I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO SEE THE COLORFUL
WINGED TALKING HORSE! OH MY GOD I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST THE LSD! YOU GUYS CAN SEE
HER TOO?
X-Eye
(Sarcastic
tone)
NO! Sugerpuff is Harvey the invisible rabbit…
(YELLING)
YES SHE’S REAL! YOUR VOTE, PLEASE!
(Night
Watch begins to cry and hugs Sugerpuff)
NIGHT WATCH
I…SCREW THAT HORSE!
BADGER MAN
If you hate her why did you just hug her?
NIGHT WATCH
I RAN OUT OF BULLETS! JUST KIDDING! I WANTED TO
PET HER NICE COAT! Also, if you touch her long enough you taste some hamburger
cookies! Sorry, I think that’s the LSD talking!
(X-Eye banged his
gavel)
(Sugerpuff looks at her watch and
slaps her head in a duh-like gesture)
SUGERPUFF
OH! Sorry, but I have to leave early today. I
was invited to go play with my friends in the Gumdrop Forest! LATER!
X-EYE
BUT WE JUST KICKED…
SUGERPUFF
KITTENS AND KISSES FOR EVERYONE! EXCEPT
FELICITY BECAUSE SHE’S A JERK!
(As
Sugerpuff is exiting the room, Felicity gives her the middle finger on her way
out)
X-EYE
Hey Badger Man, I was wondering something? If
Sugerpuff is your niece and she’s a magical flying horse and you’re a
half-badger and half-human, how is it possible that you are related?
BADGER MAN
Well, let’s just say there was a reason my
brother was fired from Arlington Park!
NIGHT WATCH
Wow, and people find it strange that my Dad is
a woman now! But man if they hear that! WOW!
FELICITY
Is there like a human resources person I can
talk to?
X-EYE
(ANGRILY)
NO! WE DIDN’T COME UP WITH ANY NEW EVIL SCHEMES
TODAY! AH SCREW IT! LET’S JUST GO BACK TO MAKING BOOTLEG METALLICA T-SHIRTS,
OKAY! GOD, I HATE ALL OF YOU!
EVERYBODY BUT X-EYE!
WE HATE YOU TOO!
(Blackout.)
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