ACT I
It’s a
slow business day at the Pizza
Brothers Chinese/pizza Place. The first customer of the day enters and rings
the bell.
Adam
Hello,
anybody here?
(Then Tse-tung
Pizza enters the room and Adam looks shocked)
Adam
Oh, I’m
sorry I thought this was a pizza place.
Tse-tung Pizza
We have
pizza, this place is both pizza and Chinese food. Stupid American not read sign
out front. May I take your order pleaz!
Adam
Yes, I would
like a large pizza and a root beer to go!
Tse-tung Pizza
Sweet
& Sour Chicken much bet-tor and it only $3.99. What you want is $16.99, my
food much bet-tor dea-el.
Adam
Well, I
still want a pizza, so could you put my order in?
Tse-tung Pizza
No
Sweet & Sour Chicken much bet-tor. Me place one order now? Would you like
fried rice with that?
(Tse-tung
Pizza is holding an order note book while Adam stands still and looks confused)
Adam
Uh,
that’s okay. I’ll just go to the Pizza Hut across the street. Good luck with
the pizza business, China man.
(Adam
slowly walks away looking awkward and then rushes out of the store while Tse-tung
Pizza heads back into the kitchen behind the counter)
(Gilligan Denver enters while mopping
the floor and he looks pissed)
Gilligan Denver
Night
and day I clean this shit hole. I used to be a successful stockbroker. Damn recession,
I’m living the American Dream, Ma. Hope this place burns to the ground!
(Gilligan Denver exits while mopping
away and Brittany Anne enters and rings the bell)
Brittany Anne
Like,
hello, does anyone work here or something?
(Luigi
Pizza enters holding a huge bread stick and Brittany Anne becomes flirtatious)
Brittany Anne
Oh
that’s a big breadstick, is there another even bigger one down below?
Luigi Pizza
Yes we
have bread sticks off all sizes, but below, no!
Brittany Anne
It’s
sad that you have no big bread stick below the belt. I like men with a little
more stick in their bread. Nice, mustache! By the way, my boyfriend dumped me
last night wink, wink!
Luigi Pizza
How sad,
you would have been a wonderful mother. But what kind of pizza would you like?
I make my Mama’s special recipe just for you. Only $16.99!
Brittany Anne
Like, I thought this was a
Chinese place, um your sign said Chinese on it!
Luigi Pizza
Yes we do serve Chinese food,
too, my little brother makes it, you want to know his a recipe for Kung Po
Pork?
Brittany Anne
Okay, like whatever if it just
speeds up my order!
Luigi Pizza
HEY GILLIGAN! BRING THE BOX OF MY LITTLE BROTHER’S
FINE MEAT!
Gilligan Denver (yelling from backstage)
FUCK YOU!
I AIN’T BRINGING THAT THING OUT! THOSE DAMN CRITTERS BIT ME LAST TIME!
Luigi Pizza
DO AS
YOU’RE TOLD, MONKEY BOY! YOU WANT TO BE FIRED AGAIN?
Gilligan
Denver (yelling from
backstage)
I’M
ALREADY HOMELESS! YEAH I GUESS, WHAT’S THE POINT! THIS AIN’T THE HEALTH
INSPECTOR, IS IT?
Luigi Pizza
No,
it’s a lovely young lady with a fondness for huge bread sticks. GET YOUR BUTT
OUT HERE, GILLIGAN!
(Gilligan
Denver enters the room with a huge box filled with cats and rats)
Brittany Anne (screaming)
OMG!
I’m eating a bunch of cat and rat meat?
Luigi Pizza
Actually,
my brother’s secret recipe for his a Kung Po Pork is very simple. These cats eat the rats and it’s almost like
a turducken. Instead of stuffing it into
the cat, the cats already eat the rats and he cooks it with some of his Mama’s
sauce. He loves serving it to lovey ladies like you! Now, do you still want the
Chinese food?
(Brittany
Anne after realizing what she was about to eat, freaks out, and runs out
screaming of the Pizza Brothers Chinese/pizza place)
Luigi Pizza (yelling to
Brittany Anne as she’s fleeing)
WAIT!
DO YOU STILL A WANT MY MAMA’S SPECIAL PIZZA?
Gilligan Denver
She’s
gone, boss! Anyway, do I have to do anything else for today? I still haven’t
cleaned the bathrooms yet?
Luigi Pizza (in a sad tone)
No
Gilligan, it’s a closing time anyway, looks like we may have lost another
customer.
Gilligan Denver
Maybe
if we stop showing the customers the cat and rat box, we may convince them to
eat something.
Luigi Pizza
NO! I
only show them that box so they don’t eat my brother’s horrible Chinese food!
(Tse-tung
Pizza enters the room from behind the counter clapping slowly like
“well-played” and stands next to Luigi Pizza)
Tse-tung Pizza
Well-played
brother! Like rou, I don’t want our customers to eat your shitty pizza! You
damn well know my Kung Po Pork is pork, damn it!
Luigi Pizza
How
dare you! My mama isn’t your mama! The
only reason you exist is cause our daddy had a one-night stand with your mama!
Even though I hate Chinese food with all my being, I still want to run a
business with my only brother, but, unless we find a way to solve the problem
of our different tastes, I might as well
give up on my dream!
Tse-tung Pizza
I guess
we could open up an arcade together! I mean the income alone we make on our
Donkey Kong arcade cabinet is the only reason we’ve haven’t ra-filed for
bankruptcy yet!
Luigi Pizza
AN ARCADE? BROTHER YOU’RE A GENIUS!
(Luigi Pizza hugs his brother)
Tse-tung Pizza
Don’t
touch me!
(Luigi
Pizza lets go of Tse-tung Pizza, then Tse-tung Pizza reaches out his hand and
then Tse-tung Pizza and Luigi Pizza shake hands)
Luigi Pizza
YIPPIE!
Now in order for us to buy a Q*bert
and Section Z machines we have to let an employee go?
(Tse-tung
Pizza and Luigi Pizza then stare at Gilligan Denver)
Gilligan Denver
Okay
fine! I wanted to quit anyway! But, before I go, could I borrow your toaster? I
have to take a bath when I get home!
(BLACKOUT)
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