(Inside Geppetto’s wood carving shop, The Blue
Fairy turns Pinocchio into a real boy and Geppetto rushes over to go hug
Pinocchio)
GEPPETTO
(OVERJOYED)
He’s
a real boy, thank you Blue Fairy! Finally I have a son! A beautiful baby boy!
THE BLUE FAIRY
Your
wish has been granted Geppetto, after Pinocchio learned what it takes to be a
real boy, he now has become one!
PINOCCHIO
Blue
Fairy, I’ve been thinking about something?
GEPPETTO
(OVERJOYED)
Oh
boy, my little Pinocchio is a thinker! Maybe he’ll grow up to be the next
Albert Einstein!
THE BLUE FAIRY
What have you been thinking about,
Pinocchio?
PINOCCHIO
It’s just…you’re magical, right?
THE BLUE FAIRY
Yes!
PINOCCHIO
So basically, you could have turned me
into a real boy at any time? Couldn’t you?
THE BLUE FAIRY
(SCRATCHING BEHIND HER NECK
NERVOUSLY)
Well, you had to learn right from
wrong before I could do so! Jiminy Cricket explained that to you, remember!
PINOCCHIO
(ANNOYED)
Again
I have logic now! So basically, instead of making me go on a little morality quest
you, could have given me the morals you wanted me to learn to begin with! I would
have been a real boy sooner! Do you follow me?
THE BLUE FAIRY
Ah,
no?
(Geppetto slowly begins to exit the room and
The Blue Fairy looks fearful as Geppetto is fleeing the scene)
THE BLUE FAIRY
(YELLING)
Geppetto,
don’t go! I granted your wish! Help me out here!
GEPPETTO
(OFFSTAGE)
You’re
on your own! I don’t like being in the middle of conflict!
PINOCCHIO
(PISSED OFF)
Basically,
what I’m trying to say is that you made me, almost get me turned into a donkey,
get swallowed by a whale to rescue my so-called father, and you had two
freaking cats sell me to that Stromboli guy. Stromboli forced me to perform in a puppet show. He would
have made me into freaking firewood if I didn’t. This all so you could make me
learn right from fucking wrong! What the hell were you thinking!
THE BLUE FAIRY
Well, I thought it would make you a
better person Pinocchio!
PINOCCHIO
(PISSED OFF)
Look, think about it! I almost died
and I just realized that you, the magical blue fairy, could have turned me into
a real boy at any point in time. Also, you could have inserted the lessons you
wanted me to learn into my little brain at any time as well. So, I basically
didn’t have to listen to an idiot bug tell me right from wrong when you could
have given me that knowledge to begin with! IT’S FREAKING MAGIC!
THE BLUE FAIRY
But where’s the fun in that? Being a
real boy means you have to learn on your own. Yes, I know I could have given
you the knowledge I wanted you to learn all along with turning, but again, you
went on a fun little quest with your best friend, Jiminy Cricket. Now
again it was all for fun!
PINOCCHIO
It
wasn’t fun for me! I almost died and…wait a minute, Geppetto wanted to turn me
into a real boy, I never chose nor had a say in wanting to become a real boy. In
fact, I was just a freaking mindless wooden puppet, an object, maybe I wasn’t
meant to be given the gift of life! Are we playing God? Oh God, I believe in a
God! I hate this! Being real makes my brain hurt! Oh God I have a brain! Being real
sucks!
(Geppetto reenters the room holding a cardboard
cutout of Kate Upton)
GEPPETTO
You know, Ms. Kate Upton over here
would love to be a real girl! She’s a cardboard cutout right now, but Pinocchio
could use a mother and I a wife, so…
PINOCCHIO
Seriously Geppetto, you want to turn a
freaking Carl's Jr. ad into a real girl? what makes you think I want her as my
mother?
THE BLUE FAIRY
Sorry Geppetto, all of my clients get
one wish so…
GEPPETTO
You mean I only get one wish! This is
bullshit! I should have turn this lovely cardboard cutout of Kate Upton into a
real girl instead of turning this little annoying brat into a real boy!
PINOCCHIO
So, you’re telling me you don’t even
want me anymore? I thought you wanted to be a father! Here’s your shot
dickweed! A real little boy right here, who shouldn’t even exist!
THE BLUE FAIRY
Wow, I screwed up! Okay, maybe I
should turn you back into a wooden puppet again.
PINOCCHIO
But, now I have life and I don’t want
to give that up! I’m staying a real boy whether you like it or not!
THE BLUE FAIRY
You know what, the wish was granted
okay! I’m getting out of here! You learned a lesson and you’re a real boy now!
I have to go! Also, I think Cinderella needs me now more than you do! But
before I go maybe a thank you is in order!
(Pinocchio
just stares at her and he then points to the door in anger)
THE BLUE FAIRY
Fine I’ll go! God!
(The
Blue Fairy exits the scene and Geppetto begins to cry)
GEPPETTO
(CRYING)
I’m so sorry Pinocchio, I’m just a
lonely old man, I don’t want to be the bad guy here! What can I do as a father
to make you happy?
PINOCCHIO
Buy me an Xbox!
GEPPETTO
I can carve one out of wood for you!
That’ll be good, right?
PINOCCHIO
Do you want my love or not!
GEPPETTO
Fine, I’ll take you to GameStop! But
after that you are so grounded! God, fatherhood sucks!
(Blackout.)
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