(Inside
a computer in a green digital office, Dix is lying back in his chair)
(Zix
enters the digital office and slowly Dix begins to get up from his chair)
ZIX
Hello, I’m Zix. I just got
a job as a fake profile. Are you Dix?
DIX
Yeah, you’re going to like
being a fake profile. You know what to do, right?
(Zix
sits down in a chair next to Dix while Dix sits back down)
ZIX
Well, I was told that we
are to trick the users into thinking that we are real people in order to sell
them stuff!
DIX
We pretty much do that
around here. Pretend to be real people when in reality were just computer
programs created by the ad companies to sell some shit. You know what else
we’re supposed to do here?
ZIX
What else do we do around
here?
(Dix
begins typing into a keyboard and images of people appear on a computer screen
in front of Dix and Zix)
DIX
You see all these people?
Of course to us, they’re users, but even here in the land of social media
they’re all fake profiles.
ZIX
What do you mean they’re
all fake profiles? These are real people, not computer programs!
DIX
Right, but here’s an
example, let me just pull up a picture from some random girl’s profile. Typing
in Stacy Speed…
(A
ding is heard and Dix shows Zix the results of his search for Stacy Speed)
ZIX
Wow, she’s beautiful! Is
she like a supermodel or something?
DIX
Oh she’s a supermodel all
right. But not the user who runs this profile! Zix, let’s go to school! Ever
heard of a catfish?
ZIX
(IN A ROBOTIC LIKE VOICE)
SEARCHING DATABASE!
DIX
Let me guess, you’re
database says it’s a kind of fish right?
ZIX
A thousand search results
never lie! It’s a kind of freshwater fish!
DIX
Wrong, this user is a
different kind of catfish. You see this is a picture she found on a porn
website. Her real name isn’t even Stacy Speed. Which come on, totally a fake
name!
ZIX
So what is her real name?
DIX
Becky Johnson, 5’6, 362 lbs.,
44 years old and single!
ZIX
But this profile says she’s
23 years old and has a boyfriend. So wait, users lie?
DIX
Of course that’s what a
catfish or should I say a user fake profile does. Typing in Randy Rad…
(A
ding is heard and Dix shows the search results of Randy Rad to Zix)
ZIX
Let me guess, this
handsome young man isn’t this handsome young man. Also Randy Rad sounds like a
fake user name too!
DIX
You’re catching on pretty
quick! Randy Rad’s real name is Paul Jinkins, 6’1, 123 lbs., 86 years old, and
married.
ZIX
But, this profile says
he’s 25 and single. So is he cheating on his wife?
DIX
That’s right! Cheating on
his 82-year-old wife with you!
ZIX
Wait, with me!
(Dix
begins pulls a up a picture of a hot young blonde girl in a bikini)
DIX
Yeah with you! See don’t
you look pretty up there on the screen! I found this picture on Google image
search, just a random girl, don’t know her name and that’s who you’ll be
pretending to be and your new name is Lisa Jinx! Now, just keep sweet-talking
old Paul, I already warmed him up for ya! I’m this close to selling him a pair
of $76 sunglasses!
ZIX
Wait, you were pretending
to be me?
DIX
Yeah, why did you think
there was an opening! Anyway I’m busy trying to sell fat forty Becky a toaster!
She just won’t shut up about her freaking cats. Has a boyfriend? My cyber ass!
ZIX
So these people are actually
trying to have a physical relationship with us! What do I do if old Paul wants
to have sex with me? I’m a computer program!
DIX
Oh that’s the best part!
Just ask Paul right now to meet up in person, come on I dare ya! But remember
to call him Randy Rad!
(Zix
begins typing and after she’s done she looks sad)
ZIX
(SAD)
He doesn’t want to meet me
in person!
DIX
Right! Because he’ll never
meet you in person, because he ain’t 25 year old Randy Rad. He’s 86 year old
Paul Jinkins! Since he thinks you’re real and he doesn’t want to hurt your
feelings by telling you he was lying to you this whole time, he’s not going to
meet you in person. Boy howdy, old dirty Paul scared to leave his trailer park.
Plus he sucks at pretending be 25 years old. Look at his favorite movies. Come
on look at them!
ZIX
(SAD)
I can’t do this. I quit.
This job is horrible. Lying to nice people just so we can sell them crap and
make them more addicted to this fantasy world. Sorry but I can’t do this!
(Zix
exits the scene while crying like crazy and Dix begins to giggle)
DIX
Oh man, I just got a
wicked idea. I’ll just send a naked selfie to Paul and ask him to send me one
back and…oh wow, old hairy balls. Thanks Paul, bad time to tell me the truth.
Just going to steal your credit card information, hope you don’t mind…
(Blackout.)
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